Seep Into Me Slowly

[Chapter 05]

As a result of hearing the ominous news, Tatiana felt the blood freeze in her vessels. She paled as white as a sheet when she realized this wasn't a sick joke her father played on her for the sake of a good laugh. The man didn't do jokes she reminded herself.

"Wh-what?" She stammered unable to believe the words she just heard were the truth and not specs of a lie. How could he? After she told him in detail, in agonizing minuscule details about the agony and humiliation she suffered by the hands of this beast, how dare he bestow this news upon her expecting her to respond with a smile and a jump of excitement?

Could her father be this aloof to notice how his daughter lost her soul, she lost her goddamn self to this monster. She was now expected to get married to him, bare his last name and live with him for the rest of her life as though nothing happened? On what sort of drug was his mind running?

"You heard what I said Tatiana. Don't make me repeat myself twice. I said you both are getting married, day after tomorrow. Is that clear?" He seethed at her, wanting to be already done with this matter that occupied the whole week, taking more time milling over than it deserved in his opinion.

She was there but not there. Her mind couldn't comprehend how she got to where she currently was. Life seemed cruel, as it tripped her over and over and continued to laugh unbothered. She went rigid at the thoughts, imagining how the rest of her life would turn out to be. Was this what life had in store for her? To get raped and then get married to her rapist? Was this what her great destiny had written out for her, because if it was she wanted to forfeit her identity, to forfeit everything unbearable in this universe.

"I said, is that clear?" Her father hissed at her impatiently, growing bored out of his daughter's slowness and stalling. He wanted to get this over with as fast as possible. Then, he'd be free of burdens to go out to his friend's casino and play some poker, while also smoking some cuban cigars. He drooled at the thought alone.

"Yes, father" She answered stoically, clearly unsettled by the gruesome news. Then, she excused herself not bothering to get into details about this dreaded wedding.

Firstly, she knew her mom would take care of everything, from the reception desk till the wedding dress. She'd fuss about it all to create the perfect wedding she deemed fitting.

Secondly, she wanted to cry it out, to curse her luck for running out on her a week prior, and that wasn't possible under the eyes of her stern father, nor the other residents of the household.

She rushed to her room racing the wind. Once she was inside, locked and safe away from the prying eyes she let herself fall to the ground. Crying her luck, if she thought her life was doomed before, she wasn't sure what to make of it right now.

All she knew was she didn't want to marry that rapist. In fact, she would rather do anything else in the world than get married to him. Her tormentor. Giving father her word, meant she couldn't back out no matter how tempting it sounded. If she does that she'd be good as dead.

Did she want to be dead?

She asked herself unsurely, testing the waters of what she actually felt. Her emotions were complicated in a way she hated him and also hated herself and then her parents and the world. She hated the world. But again, it brings the question, does she want to be dead?

As alluring as it sounds, she didn't think so, she wanted to die sometimes from the heavy exhausting thinking weighs down on her but she didn't want to actually die, if that made sense. She wanted to kill something inside of her. Sure, who doesn't, but it wouldn't go to that extreme with her.

If she wasn't able to die nor to live, what was she supposed to do? Hang herself there in the middle of things?

She hoped for a meteor to strike the earth destructively, taking with it the lives of human essence on this ill-fated godforsaken planet. Maybe then, she'll get a rest.

In the middle of the cold freezing night, she woke up from her place on the ground, where she felt her skin shiver uncontrollably due to frosty bite it dug into her. She slowly carried her petite body to the bed and crashed there. She sighed at the heat the mattress and blanket provided against the wintertime. Lathered in the luxury of heat helped ease her mind for the rest of the night.

She only awoke another time where her breathing was labored, hair sticking to her face and neck, sweat covering her whole. Her eyes glossy from the wrecking memories she had to endure another time. She could swear it all felt real. Maybe a bit too real. Still, she noticed the claw marks at her arms. She was fighting him off even in her sleep. Then, she did the unthinkable, too well known unthinkable, and broke down crying hysterically. Her hands cradling the weight of her head which felt wretchedly heavy. She wondered, was this how she was going to live the rest of her life? Was she doomed for an eternity of fear and unsettlement? Did she need to fight her demons both when awake and asleep.

~we sleep to forget,
but then they visit our dreams~