stay with me

Chapter 30

Grey:

It's Christmas day. I used to love Christmas. It was hands down my favorite holiday. I loved going with my family to hike up a mountain and cut down the perfect tree and I loved baking and decorating Christmas cookies with my mother and sister. I loved singing Christmas songs and wrapping presents. I loved seeing all my relatives and seeing their faces when they opened the presents I got them. I loved everything about it but now it's just no longer the same. I put on a happy face for everyone else's benefit but deep down all I can think about is how this is my second Christmas without Jason and how I'll never have another Christmas with him again. It was a bitter pill to swallow.

I woke up extra early this morning and for once it was actually on purpose. I still had nightmares last night though. The only time they aren't raging full force is when I sleep next to Hunter. He helps give me peace. It made sleeping without him difficult. I set my alarm for four a.m. though so I could get up and go for a run and stop by Jason's grave on my own. My parents would want to visit it later so I figured I could go alone now and cry while no one is watching.

It snowed last night so may pace is slower than usual since I have to trek through a few inches of snow along the way, but I don't mind. The world looks pure and untouched at the moment. It's beautiful. I push all thoughts out of my head as I run. I don't want to think about anything. What I'm about to do is going to be super painful so I just want to enjoy the snow and fresh air right now.

My mind becomes clear as I run and my body warms up to the frigid temperature. I focus on the sound of my breathing and the accelerated beating of my heart. Fortunately the way the cold air stabs at my lungs as I breathe it in doesn't really allow me to think about anything else. I enjoy the pain. Physical pain is my friend it's the emotional pain that is my enemy.

Eventually I reach the cemetery and I slow my pace to a walk as I get close to Jason's grave. I'm hesitant and afraid because of what I came here to do. It's always difficult coming here anyway knowing that his body is in the ground but that his soul is somewhere else. It was a difficult concept to grasp. A part of me still didn't believe it. A part of me still expected to see him come walking towards me. A part of me always would.

"Hey Jason" I say as I reach his grave. I can already feel tears forming but I force them back. "Merry Christmas" I tell him as I lay a single red rose down in the white snow. The contrast of the colors is stunning. I sit on the ground and fold my knees up underneath me not caring about the snow on the ground. "I miss you" I sniff. I knew this was going to be hard but now that I'm here I'm not sure I can do this. "I guess if you're watching me than you know why I'm here" I sigh. "I'm sorry" I say and the first tear falls. "I don't want to do this but I have to. I have to if I'm ever going to have the type of life that I know you wanted me to have. That night when you made me promise that one day I'd move on and find someone to make me happy I never believed that I actually would but I think I have. And if I'm going to be with him then I need to say goodbye to you. I need to let you go. I'll always remember you and carry you with me in my heart but I can't keep holding onto the idea of our future together because it will never happen. I love you Jason. I'll always love you but I have to let you go no matter how much I wish I didn't." I'm sobbing now. I can't help it. It feels like my heart is being shattered all over again, like I'm losing him all over again except this time might actually be worse because I'm letting him go. I'm saying goodbye. I'm accepting that he's gone and it hurts like hell, but I have to because I realized something recently about Hunter. I love him. I'm in love with him. It was both a wonderful and painful realization. "I'm so sorry Jason. What happened to us wasn't fair. We should have had forever together. When you asked me to marry you I had no doubts when I said yes. I wanted to marry you. I wanted to be yours forever but forever was taken from us and it breaks my heart every time I think about it. If I could have taken your place I would have. Your life never should have been cut so short. I'm so sorry for that but I want you to know that I loved you every moment we spent together and a part of me will love you until my heart stops beating maybe even after that. I have to move on though. I have to live my life just like I promised you I would. It's terrifying but I believe that Hunter will take care of me. I believe that I can create a life with him. I'm finally going to tell him about you when I go back to school in a few days. I'm nervous and I can only hope that you approve. I hope that you are proud of me and the decisions I have made in your absence. I was lost for a long time but I think I'm finally finding my way and Hunter is a huge part of that. I love you Jason" I tell him one last time as I stand up and wipe at my tears. "Goodbye" I whisper and then I take off running wanting to feel anything except for the pain that I'm feeling in my heart.