All in my Mind

I.

I was just turning 17 when I first started to realize something was happening. I was an early bloomer by the way. Most of us tend to make it to our twenties before shit hits the fan. I think that if it hadn't all happened the way it happened, I might have stayed under the radar until then anyways. It was subtle really. I wasn't that scared until after the trigger. Or maybe I was scared the whole time and I'm just in denial about it all now, but it really truly felt managed for a moment there.

I don't know why I was thinking about that while staring at the window. Normally I try to use my nightly window time as a sort of mindfulness exercise. The goal was to think of nothing, which I'd determined was impossible through rigorous testing. I'm really a very logical person. I approach most things with the idea of experimentation like that. You can't denounce things you haven't tried. I've tried so much.

My window time had to be at night. During the daytime was too bright and I couldn't see my reflection in the window. Being able to see my reflection was a key aspect, so nighttime was a requirement. During the day, all I could see was the quick stretch of dying grass that leads up to the prison fence. It wasn't really a prison, but the barbedwire topping the fence could sure fool you if you didn't know where you were. Past the fence was more grass and past the grass was a far off highway. I didn't know which one. It hadn't ever seemed pertinent to know.

When I stared out the window during the day, the road was busy. I found that really distracting if I was trying to do the whole mindfulness thing. I'd see each car and I'd wonder who was in it and where they were going. I'd write stories in my head about why they were driving that particular highway at that particular time. I'd wonder the same thing when I saw the headlights at night, but it was less frequent. The lack of traffic made it easier to just focus on the way I reflected back on myself in the window when the sun wasn't up.

The window was quite large, which was actually surprising given the context of where I was. If I tried to open it though, it would only budge about three inches. If I tried to push it further, prop it open, or shove anything substantial through it then there was an alert and someone would come check on me in seconds. Most of the room was built with little safeguards like that. I'd know because I'd tested it all.

The room itself was only about twenty feet squared, which was probably a generous estimation. The floor was a thin carpet. I dug through it once with my fingernails and confirmed it was tile underneath, but the carpet was actually quite soft anyways. I banged my head on it a few times and couldn't get enough force to concuss myself, so the carpet was definitely effective.

The walls were beige drywall. They weren't marred by anything except for the single window and then the rectangular metal panel right between the light switch and the door. It had six tiny circular holes for the speaker and a red button for me to call if I really needed something. Sometimes I just hit it to be bothersome. I never called for actual assistance. I actually ignored them if they showed up. I liked to hit it right as they were leaving as well.

Next to that button was the door. The door opened at 6 am for breakfast and closed at 10 pm for bed. Sometimes it opened in between if someone needed something from me. Sometimes they peeked in for room checks. Normally they didn't. They had a camera for that where they could watch me rot incessantly without ever having to actually be in my presence. They were always watching. Surveillance was a full time endeavor. They couldn't take their eyes off me.

I had two pieces of furniture. The bed was twin sized with a plain medical grade mattress and a thick sheet that was sewn into the base so I couldn't easily pull it off to suffocate myself or whatever they were worried about. The pillow was gone because it hadn't been pinned down, and I definitely tried to use the fluffy cotton surface of it in a half assed attempt to suffocate myself. They didn't return it even after a few months had passed.