All in my Mind

XX.

TW depictions of suicide attempts with humor lol
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I want to tell you what actually happened, but I need to take a break because it's maybe the worst fucking thing in the entire world. I know you probably can guess how the next bit plays out, but humor me and pretend I never said anything okay? I need that. It's clear, isn't it? Plus I still haven't really left my room. That parts gotten worse. It's like a disease.

Since I'm in a fucking nightmare of a mood, why don't I remind you what I actually am. A lot of things are contributing to my sudden desire to melt into the fabric of my walls, but really it's just me. It's because I am the way I am. Nothing of Lily's empowering mantras about being ourselves are actually true in my case. I'm a fucking disaster.

And I'm bitter about it.

Before I say anything else, I want to tell you about some of the times I've tried to kill myself. Nobody has enough time for all of the attempts, so I'll be nice and give you my top 3 favorites. Is that too heavy for you? Get over it.

Side note: Lily's in my room. She's been watching me become so decompensated. Paid actress and all that.

My favorite attempt was probably several months ago and by favorite I just mean that it was probably the most pathetic. That also means it's the most amusing. It was with a plastic butter knife from the cafeteria. I was able to slice my wrists apart a lot more than you'd expect out of someone with a plastic butter knife. Technically though, I did break it to make the edge sharper, so I'm basically an engineer. I blame the staff for that one. When they did eventually locate me in the library, I was actually very lightheaded. I don't think that attempt on my life would have been successful, but it happened. Definitely happened.

Another time, I tried to strangle myself with my bed sheets. That one was maybe slightly more serious, but shorter lived. I wasn't as upset during the butter knife thing. I was just trying to upset people, which definitely isn't the same thing. Plus the girl told me to do it and since I'm kind of a wimp... anyways I was definitely upset during the bedsheet thing. I don't really want to get into why. Who really cares? I had only been in the facility for a few days or weeks or something, and I'd really only recently gotten my room assignment. I pulled the bed sheets up and wrapped it around my neck and shoulders like a cape. Then I tightened it. I didn't want to be super obvious, so I did it slowly. I just kept casually pulling it tighter every few minutes until I started seeing stars. I'd been standing infront of the open window so I could go out with fresh air and a view. Things started getting spotty with my vision and then I crumpled. They obviously saw that on the cameras. They valiantly saved my life and then the bedsheets were sewed down so I couldn't get them off the bed. Maybe they forgot how bad that was since they've since given me that new red blanket. I had blood vessels burst in my face though. It took a while for the evidence of that to go away.

The third one... well that happened after the trigger event that I almost mentioned, but before I was sent here. It was before I did what I did; before I was officially just classified as a bad person. I don't really want to go into a bunch of details, but I'll tell you that I was sad. Maybe it was the only time I got to be truly genuinely sad before everything jumbled itself up inside of me. It was one of the last times I was someone that I recognized. I was sad, but I was coherently me. After that, everything about me changed.

I drove up the coastal highway away from home. I didn't exactly have a plan, but I definitely had an intention. I drove until I reached the lookout point I wanted, and I parked the car. Then I walked up to the edge and looked down at the water and the jagged rocks and the beautiful view. I don't remember jumping, but I definitely jumped.

I think that one may have worked, if not for the person that saw me jump. You can make assumptions about what happened. Someone called 911. Someone else rescued me. A psych hold happened. Did you think this was my first time in a psych hospital? I'm way too comfortable. Of course it isn't. I was put away for two weeks back then. It was the first time I was medicated too. My poor mother had no idea what I was getting us into.