All in my Mind

X.

"Alex," O'Conner said. That was the fourth time she'd said it. Even though I was certainly aware that four times was too many, I still hadn't responded. I don't even remember what we'd been talking about before. I just knew she'd gently said my name repeatedly now and I was still refusing her the attention she craved.

Other things I knew. I was sitting on the floor infront of the chair intended for me so that she could really just see me from the chest up. It was hot in the room. Maybe it wasn't hot, but I was sweating. I didn't know what day it was because I never knew what day it was and it was getting embarrassing. The book she was reading when I walked in was called "One Flew Over the Cukoos Nest." I'd read it before and I found it mildly offensive. In the corner of the room, there was a burly man standing there reciting what sounded like my 11th grade German language notes. He was being mostly quiet and as soft spoken as someone could be while speaking German, but still annoying.

"Ich habe gerade keine lust zu reden," I mumbled.

She looked absolutely fucking stunned to hear me speak. I hadn't even bothered to look up, but I could see it out the corner of my eye. We'd been sitting in silence for a while.

"What?"

"You're bothering me," I said, which wasn't true nor kind.

"Was that German?" She asked me, completely undeterred.

I groaned audibly and leaned forward so that my head was flush on the coffee table. She tried really hard not to sigh loud enough for me to hear, but I heard it. The man in the corner continued to prattle on as if it wasn't the most inconvenient thing in the world. I respected the dedication. From both of them honestly; the man and the very persistent therapist.

"You're being really mean to her," I heard the boys voice enter the chat. I didn't look up, but I assumed he was sitting next to me to my left. He always seemed to be to my left. I ignored him.

"Alex," she said my name again.

I looked up and tried to scowl convincingly. She stared back in general fascination. "Yes," I relented to say. "It was German."

"Do you speak German?" She inquired curiously.

I shrugged. The answer was no, but also yes. Kind of would have worked too. The truth was that Alexander spoke it, and I remembered just enough to be annoying. You can't really keep what you don't use. It's why I sat in front of the window shaping my hands onto words. I couldn't let myself forget that.

Now that I was choosing to look at her the therapist seemed invigorated. My friend reciting German in the corner had disappeared, so I could at least focus in on her. The boy was certainly present though. I could literally feel him at my side.

"You seem very distracted today," O'Conner observed to me quite accurately.

"Just think how distracted you'll be if you stop taking your meds," the boy said in response from his place beside me.

I scowled over at him before snapping my eyes back to O'Conner when I remembered she could see me staring at nothing. The boy was persistently defending the medication. I had continued to take it by the way, even though I did skip the meeting with the prescriber. I was still plagued by thoughts about freeing my mind up, but I hadn't had the bravery to do it.

"I'm not distracted," I said to O'Conner. "I'm perfectly attentive."

She nodded with an expression that very clearly didn't agree with me.

"That's good," she said with a nod. "I'm glad you feel present."

She always verbally agreed with me against her own judgment. Literally always. No matter what nonsense I said, she was always seemingly on my side. Why was that so frustrating?