All in my Mind

XVIII.

I don't remember the last time my mom saw me. As I've said before, things were a daze for a long period of time. I like to imagine maybe she didn't see me that much after what I did. I really hope she didn't.

I try to think about it a different way. The last time I saw my mom was when she left with Emily to go see a movie. I didn't go because I didn't go to places like that anymore. They were too wide open and public. There weren't enough exits. I didn't go places without exits.

Anyways, she hugged me. I tried not to show how uncomfortable that hug made me because I was really trying at the time. Emily avoided me completely because I'd refused to use my hands when speaking with her like a total dick. I'd been trying not to do that too, but it was a bad day. They left the house, and I went off to fixate on how unreasonably fucking cold I was; both physically and emotionally.

By comparison, the last time she saw Alexander was in May. It was more than a year prior. He didn't think that morning was going to turn into a day that would matter so much, so he wasn't careful to remember the details. He definitely left early though, because he picked up Addison and Parker for school. I know he raised his hands and signed that he loved his sister to her on his way out the door because he accidentally knocked his fist on the doorframe as he did it and it had already formed into a bruise on the back of his hand by the time he got to school. I definitely know that he hugged his mom on the way by because she kissed his cheek obnoxiously as she did it and it left a lipstick mark that wouldn't be noticed until later in the morning when Addison wiped it off for him.

If I think about it like that... if I break the separate parts and happenings into different moments, then I could have a thousand transitional goodbyes that convinced me my mom didn't hate me. Unfortunately, if I'm tearing our goodbyes up and sorting them by who they actually affected then I have to remember hers too.

I don't remember the last time my mom saw me, but I know I was in a hospital. I had been in the hospital for a while. I had also been experiencing a really intense episode for a while, which is why the memories are hazy. It felt like I was dreaming for a lot of it. I just slipped in and out of the world without any control.

I was in pain anyways with the burns. Things weren't making sense and I don't even remember her there really, I just know she was there and that things hurt. I know that she couldn't reach me even though I was right there in front of her. I know that no matter what was happening, I was acting scary. I'd just done something horrible to her and she was just there watching me be something she'd never seen coming.

Court happened too. I don't exactly know when, but it had to have been between September and December. I got to the facility in January. That's the only reason I know that. It's possible I never had to go to court. I certainly don't remember it happening. It's plausible that there were even two court dates because at some point my mom had to become my guardian. I was an adult and then I was deemed insane and my mom stepped in the retrieve her responsibility of me. Then the court date where I'm told she begged for my right to rot in a mental facility instead of a prison. I don't now the details. I just know that this was deemed the more appropriate option.

So she either saw me catatonic on heavy sedation, completely feral in an uncontrolled paranoid schizophrenic episode, or in a courtroom doing whatever one does in a courtroom while experiencing prolonged psychosis. I don't like any of those options.

I hope that you can maybe understand why I'm not anxious to see her.

Until 18 years old, Alexander and I had never gone without seeing our mom for more than three days. That was always the rule. She had a sick kid at the hospital, but one way or another she always managed to bridge the gap before that 3 day mark.