Noticing You (BoyxBoy)

Ten

Elayne
(N.)
A ray of sunlight.

Jess hadn't been thinking. No, actually, he had been thinking, a lot. That was the problem.

Isaac was getting closer, Jess was starting to feel okay with that. He needed to keep him at a distance. He couldn't get hurt. He wouldn't get hurt. What if Isaac was like them? He had to keep him at arm's length.

But he couldn't. It's like those eyes were the key to every wall he put up. Every time Isaac looked at him in that way his protection crumbled. He couldn't let him in though. He had to protect himself.

But then his hand was warm on his knee. Then he started rubbing on the skin soothingly and he was looking at Jess like that while they were talking. Then Jess realized he was feeling things and he hated that. He couldn't get hurt, he had to stop this.

He hadn't thought about the consequences. He hasn't considered that this was dumb. What if he was like them? Then what? Jess was in his house alone with him, he could do whatever to him. He hadn't thought about this at all. This could potentially be dangerous.

It didn't stop him at the time though. He just needed to know. He had to see if this would change anything, if it would have an effect on the way Zack acted. He had to know so he said it. He was regretting it now though.

But, Zack hadn't said anything. He was just sitting and looked a little confused. Finally though the confusion washed away and he realized Jess was serious and he was seriously panicking at the moment.

"Okay." A little smile followed afterwards. "That's cool. I guess?"

Cool? That's cool?

Isaac seemed to realize that Jess's panic just got worse. He looked a little more serious. "Hey, it's okay. I don't care."

He didn't care.

Isaac Johnson, the boy he's been protective of himself from this whole time, didn't care that he was gay. He didn't care. He wasn't homophobic. He wasn't like him.

The sudden thought twisted Jess's stomach. He really compared the two? Zack had held his hand when he was a wreck in the car and he had compared him to that guy? What is wrong with me?

Jess knew he could overthink a good amount. He knew he had some underlying trauma from shit and that had shadows on his life. He however just realized how bad it was.

Damn. I have problems.

"I'm sorry." Jess mumbled. "I ruined it."

"No, you didn't." Zack shook his head. "It's okay."

Jess looked up at the boy and he was looking back, concerned. "Still sorry. That came out of nowhere."

"Nah it's cool. I get it, probably wanna make sure I know so it doesn't like freak me out. I don't care about that. You like guys, so what?"

Jess suddenly felt a lot more calm. He was okay. He leaned back on the couch, his legs still hanging over the edge. Isaac looked at them and Jess noticed the way he bit his lip to prevent himself from saying anything.

With little courage he didn't know he even had, Jess pulled his legs up on the couch and carefully draped them over Isaac's lap again. The boy's eyes didn't leave the TV but his smile gave him away. His hand slowly went back to its perch on Jess's knee and the darker haired boy smiled a little at the warmth returning there.

When his thumb start rubbing rhythmic circles Jess closed his eyes with a smile. If they'd stayed open maybe he would've seen Zack watching him with a smile of his own.