ᴛʜᴇ ᴏᴛʜᴇʀ ᴡᴏᴍᴀɴ ʙᴏᴏᴋ ᴛᴡᴏ

ɪ ꜰᴇᴇʟ ꜱᴏ ʟᴏꜱᴛ

SOFIA

I keep rocking the baby in my arms while trying to breastfeed him, but he won't stop crying. I'm in pain from all the movement, even though my feet haven't touched the ground once.

"You okay?" Xavier asks me.

No, I'm not okay.

"Sofia, maybe we should try the bottle." Xavier suggests.

"No. I want to breastfeed. I need to breastfeed him." I say on the verge of tears.

"Sofia -"

"I said no." I say firmly, and finally, the baby latches.

I let out a huge sigh of relief. At least he's breastfeeding...

I lean back a bit, letting him feed off me. Xavier sits down next to the bed and watches me.

"I'm sorry I blew up on you." I say to him.

"It's alright, but we should probably come up with a name for him." He says.

"True." I agree.

"You should choose his name." He says.

"Really? You don't want to have a say?" I ask.

"I didn't say that, but you should have first pick." He says.

He's feeling guilty about what happened. I can't see it written all over his face.

"Um, I was thinking out.. Santiago. We can call him Saint for short." I say to him.

"I like it, but why that name?" He asks.

"My grandfathers name was Santiago. He was really important to me."

"Fair enough." He says. "Saint it is."

I smile at him, but then Saint begins to fuss in my arms. His movements hurt me. Saint begins to cry, and I hold him upright to burp him.

Xavier stares at me as I pat his back, but Saint's cries are piercingly loud.

"It's okay.. shhh, it's okay." I whisper to Saint, but he still cries.

My heart is breaking. I love him so much, but I can't seem to connect with him.

"Please." I whisper with my voice cracking, but nothing.

He keeps crying and fussing, but I keep rocking his and patting his back. Pain shoots through my body.

"Do you want me to help?" Xavier asks.

I take a deep breath and hand Saint to him. He takes him and walks around the room, rocking Saint, which seems to smoothe him.

I'm failing in so many ways. I run my fingers through my hair in frustration.

"You want to talk about it?" Xavier asks.

"No." I mumble, and just then, the door opens.

"I'm here!" Zoe says loudly while holding some bags followed by Lala.

"Shhh." Xavier says, shushing her.

"Oh my bad, I forgot about that little bundle." She smiles and puts the bags down, then comes to my bedside. "Xavier texted me that you woke up. How are you feeling?"

"Painfully exhausted." I tell her, and she hugs me carefully.

"Well, cheer up because we bought you donuts." She says excitedly.

Lala hands Zoe the box of donuts. "Hey Sofia. We stopped by Xavier's place and got you guys a few things."

"Thanks, Lala." I smile.

Zoe opens the box of donuts and places it in front of me. "Come on. You were just sliced open. You deserve a little treat."

"Nice choice of words." Xavier says to his sister and gives the baby to Lala.

"Okay, okay." I give in and pick out an oreo donut.

"I can't imagine carrying a baby." Zoe jokes.

"That's why I'm doing it." Lala says, and Xavier and I trade confused glances.

"You guys are pregnant?" I ask.

"No. Not yet." Zoe says like she's relieved.

Lala rocks Saint, and I take a bite into the sweet donut. He seems calm in her arms compared to me.

"He's beautiful, Sofia. What's his name?" Lala asks.

"Santiago James. Saint for short." I answer. I don't like my last name, so I don't mind Saint taking Xavier's last name.

"Saint... I like it." Zoe says, eating one of the donuts.

"Wanna hold him, babe?" Lala asks Zoe.

"What if I drop it? I'm clumsy you know that." Zoe says panicky.

"Okay, babe, chill." Lala answers. "We also brought you guys some breakfast." Lala says and sits down with Saint peacefully sleeping in her arms. I didn't even realize I was staring at him.

"Sofia?" Zoe whispers and touches my arm, snapping me out of my thoughts.

"Yeah."

Zoe gave me a concerned look and then turned to Lala. "Hey babe, can you take Xavier to the car and help him with the rest of the bags?"

"Sure." She agrees and places Saint in the bassinet carefully.

Zoe waited until Xavier and Lala are out of the room, then turned to me.

"What's wrong?" She asks.

I sigh and glance at Saint, peacefully sleeping.

"Nothing." I lie.

"Okay, now that's a lie." She says.

"I don't want to talk about it, okay?" I tell her.

"Don't care spill."

I ran my fingers through my hair. "I can't connect with him." I say to her.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that my baby seems to like everyone but me." I admit on the verge of crying again. "All I want to do is hold him and nurse him and give him all my love. It hurts so bad just to hold him."

Zoe looks at me with pity and holds my hands.

"I feel horrible, Zoe. I feel like this is all a test, and im failing. I wasn't even strong enough to stay conscious for five minutes after he was born." I continued. "He cries every time I hold him. Like I'm doing something wrong. Like I'm hurting him."

"That's not your fault, Sofia." Zoe says.

"Isn't it? I don't know Zoe, I'm just feeling..... lost." I admit.

"Look, Sofia, this is a lot for anyone to handle. I'm not going to tell you how to feel because you're entitled to your own feelings." Zoe assures me. "But you're not alone. Xavier Lala and I are all here for you and Saint."

I give her a small smile, and we share a hug.

"Thanks, Zoe."

"And if Jenna comes back, we'll be ready." She says to me, and I freeze.

"What do you mean comes back?" I ask, and she's silent for a while like she just realized the mistake she's made.

"Sofia.."

"Is Jenna still alive?" I ask her with wide eyes.

Zoe hesitates for a minute. "I'm sorry. I thought you knew."

"Does Xavier know?" I ask her, and she nods.

"And he didn't tell me."

"Sofia, listen. I know Xavier, and he was probably just waiting for the right time. I mean, if I was in his shoes, I wouldn't want to tell you right now anyway."

Jenna is alive.... my mouth is dry, and my heart is racing.

Jenna is alive.

_________

Hope everyone is enjoying this so far