umbrella { sunjay }

2.

everyday in jongseong's profession was the same. he taught as a professor at the top university in seoul, teaching business and foreign language. thankfully, he enjoyed his career path as an instructor 

university students were mature and respectable, which made his job incredibly more feasible. however, it was very routine. 

he had two morning lectures in business, then a break until his remaining two seminars in foreign language that concluded around two-thirty in the afternoon. each lecture usually lasting a little over an hour. not considering an occasional meeting here and there.

for the large salary that he had, this schedule was ideal. it gave him time to maneuver grading and lesson planning during passing-time, along with spending time at home with his loving wife. 

perfect life, right? 

wrong. 

in the beginning of his marriage, it was convenient and exactly what he loved most about his career. besides the salary and the career itself. he loved having enough time to enjoy being a newly wed and shower his wife with affection. 

now, due to his non-hectic schedules, he had way too much time to be at home. more free time meant more arguments. 

he hated it. he felt drained and exhausted, no matter how much sleep he had gotten the night before while sleeping in the guest room.

now, jay would try to find little things to occupy his down time. he would procrastinate on grading so his work would pile up, giving him an excuse to stay overtime at the university. he would be in search of libraries or coffee shops to pass the time. or he would meet with his close friends he acquired during his own university days.

but truthfully, he didn't want to do all of those unnecessary things. he wanted to be home with the woman he loved.

❀ song recommendation: i bet on losing dogs -mitski

at the young age of nineteen, kim sunoo held his newborn daughter in his shaking hands. so small and innocent. 

when sunoo was in his late teenage years, he began to struggle with self identity. for his entire life, people had noticed he was visibly different from other boys his age.  

his features and body was softer and more feminine than his friends. he didn't enjoy sports, or any other typical 'manly' thing that everyone else seemed to enjoy. instead, he loved skincare and makeup. he enjoyed cute things and people. growing up, he enjoyed playing dress up and doing his older sister's hair.

with his clear differences from others around him, people judged him. fortunately, kim sunoo was extremely likeable and easy to get along with. but that didn't stop people from commenting on his 'feminine' behavior.

he had heard people comment on his sexuality, insinuating that because of how he looked and acted, he was queer. weirdly enough, sunoo had never thought about those things prior. his sexuality was never something that he had to ponder over or give it much thought.

until he turned eighteen. this is when he began to question himself. a new student had transferred into his class; a boy. 

now, this wouldn't had been an issue if sunoo didn't begin to feel a weird feeling when he seen the boy.

his heart would do jumping jacks and he would feel his face heat up when they spoke. something was wrong. he had never felt this way towards someone, especially a guy.

so, he did what most people would do. he confined in his older sibling for advice. his older sister misun, had never judged him a day in their lives. she loved her little brother more than anything and they were the closest out of anyone in their family.

he spoke to misun about this feeling towards the boy and she gave him the honest truth. it was obvious that he had a crush on his classmate. 

this little realization wasn't so little for kim sunoo. this would mean those comments and speculations about him were correct.

he wanted nothing more but to deny and reject those feelings. unfortunately, they grew deeper the more kim sunoo denied his heart. 

the last day of high school had arrived. sunoo decided that it was nothing but a crush and he would never admit it to anyone. he wanted to be 'normal'.

so, when a sweet and cute girl approached him to confess on the last day of school, he took this as an opportunity. 

he figured that if he could manage to go out with a girl, it would turn him back 'normal'. 

he figured it would fix him. 

it was immoral and wrong to use this poor girl who managed the courage to confess to her crush. sunoo knew it was wrong, he did. but he tried to believe he wasn't actually using her. he tried to believe he was just doing what was right.

the two had began to date and sunoo liked her, he did. but it wasn't in a romantic sense. he liked her funny jokes, he liked her naturally light brown hair, he liked her clothing style, and the freckles that appeared to be painted on one by one with the softest of brush strokes.

but he didn't like her. 

myung eunji, was her name. 

over little time, their relationship had progressed and they eventually deflowered each other. afterwards, sunoo knew in his heart that he could deny himself no longer.

it was wrong to eunji and to himself. he knew their relationship had to come to an end. so, he planned to break up with the sweetest girl he knew. it hurt that he would have to hurt her, more than the fact that the relationship was coming to an end.

soon, they planned to meet up at a restaurant. eunji had told sunoo she had something to say to him, but he paid no mind. he knew it couldn't be more important than what he had to say.

the two sat face to face at the restaurant of eunji's choice. sunoo didn't want to just drop a bomb on the poor girl. he cared about her a lot, so he allowed her to go first.

"i'm pregnant." 

her eyes began to fill after she said those two heavy words. 

sunoo felt his heart drop to the pit of his stomach. what was he supposed to do? he couldn't break up with her now. 

he just couldn't.

for a moment he just sat there and stared at the sobbing girl. if this was hard on him, he knew it had to be a million times harder for her. they were both only nineteen years old. 

they were still kids themselves. 

he finally tried to collect himself and stood up to slide into the opposite booth that eunji sat in. he pulled her into the warmest hug he could give. she cried into his chest as he raked his hands through her shoulder-length hair. 

this wasn't the time for him to be hurt. all his problems seemed miniscule now. the only thing that mattered then, was them and the baby.

"i'm sorry." was all he could repeat as his nose inhaled the sent of sweet flowers that her hair emitted. 

he was going to be a father whether he liked it or not.

❀