Aim to Please (wlw)

ch. 15 • sans toi je ne suis rien

The world has proven time and time again how rotten it is. As cliche as it may be, for once, the sun continuously shined unscathed for months. Now, I stood in the corner of my office, watching the swirling storm clouds encompass our office building. A metaphor that hit too close to home.

I forgot how vindictive Lucia could be. We were together for 5 years— not a short time, I will admit. I allowed her to convince me for one last tryst in London. Not once in my life had I been so unenthused about having sex with a woman.

I wanted it over. Immediately.

Mackenzie filled my thoughts then, but especially now. Knowing how she tastes, her soft spots, the perfect ministrations to administer to make her explode— and then, there was everything else. The 'small' things. The...personal things.

When I see chrysanthemums, I think of her. When she sleeps away from me, I miss the little grunts and whines she makes when I leave the bed. Then, there's the face she makes when she's concentrated— her dedication to her work— her ability to put me in my place and make me want to better myself as an employer...and a person.

At nearly 40 years old, I have witnessed a lot of incorrigible, painful moments. Nothing has even come close to hurting me as much as seeing Mackenzie in the middle of a panic attack, knowing that I caused it. My heart ached unlike anything I have ever felt.

Mackenzie would not answer my calls, nor text me back. I demanded that Jayce give me Rin's number, but that was not lucrative. The digital span of our communication was easily halted and blocked.

Every day after 5 PM, I would make my way to her apartment. Today would be day 4. Each time, I was ignored— but I vowed to continue, rain or shine.

"Ms. Montague?"

I turned to face Jayce. "Yes?"

"We're heading out for the day— I hope you have a good weekend."

I nodded tersely but did not respond. My attention, sparse and faded, stayed on the rain clouds outside. After the office quieted, I mechanically slipped on my rain jacket, grabbed my purse, and walked to the elevator.

Rain or shine.

•

The wind whistled a sorrowful tune. I settled on the stoop of Mackenzie's apartment building, soaking the rain into my pants and shivering. Of all things to be thankful for, I never believed I would be appreciative of rain in lieu of snow.

— Mon cheri, am here if you want to talk xo

I leaned my head against the brick wall and closed my eyes. The precipitation, paired with the sound of wheels on slick asphalt, and people conversing into their phones— it all created an enticing lullaby.

Exhausted did not fully portray how I felt.

Sleep eluded me. My stomach rejected food. I spent all my free time hyper focusing on work and chain-smoking.

Weak.

That is how I felt. Weak. Pathetic. Unable to function because of my incessant need to prove my loyalty to another woman. Antoinette threw the word 'love' around, and the thought of her being correct terrified me.

But it also excited me.

There was the thought of being with Mackenzie, as my hair fully grayed and I could no longer hide the wrinkles on my face. Watching her mature, jealous of her youthful features— because 8 years makes quite the difference. Traveling the world with her by my side, a faithful companion, more than just an assistant.

Oh, merde.

I groaned aloud and tapped the back of my head against the brick wall.

Bzz.