The Winner

Hey Lord, You Know I'm Trying

[ Does he seriously have to follow me everywhere, though? Nothing's gonna happen.]

I text back and forth with Nate, but he won't budge on his decision. There's just too much shit going on.

[Just for a little while, ok? ]

I sigh in defeat and look up at Paul, sitting in the passenger seat of the SUV. "God, you're so creepy." I mutter. Paul apparently takes that as a compliment and smiles before escorting me into the hotel.

Surprisingly, James found someone last minute willing to take his overnight shift at the Marriot tonight. He's waiting back at his house for me to spend the night. I'm still uneasy that Nate is so concerned about me being alone he requested James of all people to be with me.

After Paul does a walk through of my hotel room, he waits outside while I pack an overnight bag. I grab my backpack and start, trying to shut my brain off from everything that's happened today. Nate being my biggest concern. I walk into the bathroom to finish up and look up at my reflection in the mirror. I don't recognize this person. My eyes are swollen and irritated, unable to handle another tear. I haven't eaten much and my brain won't shut down like I need it to. So much so it's giving me a headache. I know what will stop it, but I go back and forth.

It doesn't take me long to make up my mind, walking out of the bathroom and opening up the hotel closet. I pull out my suitcase and unzip the small pocket on the inside, hiding the relief I need to calm down.

This is why I have this. For days like this. I hold on to the prescription bottle, still fighting with myself, but I really need relief. I can't keep letting my mind spiral out of control like this. I let one pill dissolve under my tongue and throw my prescription Ativan in to my backpack. Now I just need to wait for the calmness to kick in.

*****

I wake up to commotion outside the hospital door. It sounds like someone made their way up to this floor and is not happy about being escorted out. I suddenly recognize the voice. Trisha, who came back to keep me company while I fall in and out of sleep, sits in the chair next to me, sharing the same look.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me." She stands up and presses the button on the monitor that alerts me when my blood pressure goes up. "What do you want me to do, Nate?"

I take a deep breath in, knowing this doesn't happen often and the quicker I get this over with the better. I pinch the bridge o my nose trying to relieve the tension already building .

"Just let her in."

"REALLY?" Trisha raises both eyebrows at my request.

"Yeah, I just want to get this over with." I look away knowing full well Trisha doesn't agree with my decision. She huffs and opens the door, but the words don't come out. She stands there, frozen at the sight of the person being held back. I lean to the side of the hospital bed say the words that Trisha can't seem to say.

"Let her in."

"THANK you." The woman gives the security guard a dirty look as he lets go of her. Trisha is finally able to produce a word but it comes out flat.

"Rita." She mumbles.

"Move out of my fucking way, Trisha." Rita barrels in practically knocking Trisha over. Trish doesn't take it to heart and gives me a sympathetic look before going out in the hall and closing the door behind her.

"You still have that girl working for you?" Rita takes Trisha's place in the chair next to me and holds my hand. I let her.

I look a the identical blue eyes both me and Cara share. "Mom."