Assisting Miss Adams (GirlxGirl) NEW VERSION

Nineteen

Every New Year's eve night Shawn throws a party in the recreational building owned by our apartment complex. He liked to label it "a small get-together", but it always got bigger than he could handle. And usually it was a party I looked forward to because it consisted of great music and lots of drinking games. But I couldn't seem to get excited this year.

A small nudge pulled me out of my trance.

"Dude, your moping is really killing my vibe," Blair claimed, taking the seat next to me.

"I'm not moping," I lied.

She took a sip from her drink. "You're so moping."

I peered down into my cup and remained silent. She was right, but for some reason there was nothing I could do to pull myself out of it. No matter how many people walked through the door I just couldn't seem to care.

"Let me guess," Blair started. "You're bummed because Megan's not here."

"It's just rude, you know? Shawn invited her, and the least she could do is show her face," I blurted. "I mean he did let her live with him rent free."

Okay, maybe I was jumping the gun, but I hadn't seen Megan since her birthday and I had been going out of my mind. Ever since that night I had felt this horrible aching in my chest, like part of me was missing. It was a cold and dreadful feeling, and with that came the sadness I just couldn't seem to shake.

Blair leaned into her chair. "You already know what I'm gonna say."

"Yeah well, please don't," I pleaded.

"Sam." She slapped my knee. "Stop lying to yourself. It's not working anymore."

"I'm not lying to myself."

"Yes, you are."

I faced her. "Well what do you want me to do then?"

"You need to tell her."

I played dumb. "Tell who, what?"

"Tell Megan how you feel."

It shook me to the core to hear that come out of Blair's mouth. It terrified me because I knew it was true. But being open and honest about how I felt never worked. My parents hadn't accepted me when I came out. And admitting I liked Emma had only resulted in a shaky relationship built on kept secrets. What made her think things would be different with Megan?

"I can't do that," I stated.

"Why?"

"Because, it wouldn't matter if I did or not."

Blair palmed her forehead. "Sam... are you blind?"

"No, I'm not blind. I just know it wouldn't make a difference." I took a large sip from my cup. "It's Megan, Blair. Not some random girl I met at a bar. She's my teacher before anything else and I'm a teenager for shit's sake."

"You're also very pessimistic."

"So I've been told," I dead-panned.

"Look, I know you're scared-"

"I'm not scared-"

"Yes," she interrupted. "You are. And it's okay. But God you can't just keep running from things that could potentially hurt you."

"Yes I can."

Truth was, I wasn't running from anything. I just refused to admit the truth out loud. Because like I said, it wouldn't make a difference.