Virtually Identical

9.Broken

ROSE

One more day to face. I was tired of living like this, my life made no progress and I was standing where I started. Four months of continuous torture, but now I don't feel anything. I have accepted this as my life and there was nothing I could do to change it. I thought of giving up my life several times, but I could not find the strength to do it. I could not just end my life.

It was Monday morning which meant school. If you ask me, I hate going to school, I'm sure you already figured it out, but the fact does not change. Every night I try to sleep with a new hope that maybe, just maybe tomorrow will be better, maybe the demons of my past will not come hunting for me, but everyday I was proved wrong. I was afraid to tell mom about it, she'll make me transfer schools and I honestly can not survive without Ash around me.

He and mom were the only reason I was still alive, everyday I tend to end my life, his blue orbs and mom's motherly smile stopped me. They have been with me when Aubrey was not, but still they could not save me from all the torture I have been going through. I let out a frustrated sigh, I'm tired of this, I feel sick! I can't go on like this. I have to face them, I have to show them that I was not a piece of trash they treat me like, but the question is, was I capable of that? Was I capable of fighting against them? I really have no idea...

I made my self numb. Not being able to feel anything. It does not matter now because I was used to this.  I was just an empty shell and nobody could change that. Fate has chosen pain for me then be it. I'll show them that it does not matter, I'll show them I could bear pain by not feeling it. I assured myself that as long as I was numb, I could live.

*****

I want you outside the building in break, if you don't come, you know the consequences.
-L

I crumpled the piece of paper with my hand, again the same note. Every other day it was the same. I could not ignore it because if I did, I would be in great trouble later when she gets a hold of me. I tried one time and it was honestly not pretty, she found me alone in the classroom the following day, and she literally dragged me by my hair to the girl's restroom. I still remember the burning sensation I had in my head for days. You might be wondering where were the staff and other students all the way to the restroom, so to answer your question it was me who got myself in trouble, curse me for staying late after school.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Ash's voice brought me back from the painful memory, I looked over to him and found his brows creased in worry, what did I do? "Um I'm fine, why do you ask?" I said, clearing my throat. He pointed towards my fist which was tightly balled and the black marks on my notebook. I did not realize that I was doodling. Shit! I have to write all of this again. I put on my best fake smiles and said, "Oh I was just wondering about the summer break. I didn't know it would be starting next month. We used to have summer break at the start of June back in Stanverse." He raises his eyebrow and then a grin broke on his face. "I get it Flower, you were making plans to spend time with me. Weren't you? How adorable." He says winking at me.

Now I understood what was going on in that little head of his. Always a cocky jerk. I scoffed in response and rolled my eyes, but nevertheless a smile graced my lips, not a fake one but a real smile. He always managed to do that, bringing me back to light from darkness even it's for a short time. He's been my light from the moment I met him. "Oh please, I wasn't even thinking about you at all." I said and instantly regretted it. That might came out a little rude. I have never spoken to him in this tone. His beautiful smile was replaced with a frown and he studied my face. His eyes searching mine and I quickly looked down. No he can't do that, he can't just break the walls I built and get through them, my life is not a bed of roses, it's a terrible nightmare and I don't want to drag anyone in this horrifying nightmare, especially not Ash.

"Look at me, Flower. What has been on your mind lately? You think I didn't notice the change in you ever since Laura and Emily stopped talking to you? Or are you thinking that I didn't notice the pain and fear in your eyes whenever you look at them? I've seen enough to know something is wrong, Flower. I was just waiting for you to tell me yourself about what's bothering you." His voice was soft but laced with worry and concern, tears threatened to fall but I held them back. What should I say to him? I could not tell him about the bullying and my attempts to suicide. I could not just tell him how weak and helpless I was, he will hate me and I will not be able to afford to lose him, not now not ever.

"I...I don't know what you're talking about, Ash. I am perfectly fine. They had their reasons for going separate ways and I respect them. I just don't have a good parting memory that's why it bothers me a little. That's it. It's nothing serious. Besides, I have you so I don't need anyone else." I said giving him my best smile. I meant what I said, I was fine as long as he was there beside me. I hear him sigh. He was looking at me. His eyes were a  deep blue like the ocean, drawing me to him, but that was not the reason I was intensely staring into them. The concern and pain in his eye told me that he still thought I was hiding something from him, more like he knows there is something he was unaware of and he wanted to help. 

"I know there is something you are keeping from me but I'll not force you. If you can't tell me then its okay, I understand. But please be alright. And know that I'll always be here for you, no matter what." His voice almost a whisper and his words confirmed my thoughts. He held my hand in his and gave it an assuring squeeze.  My heart was beating faster than normal and it frightened me. He was making me feel, the walls I built around myself, he was breaking it. I was good being numb, not feeling anything. But he was giving me hope.

Hope to survive, and live. But I can not let him do that. I could not let him take away the thought that there is no hope, no one can help me and my life was signed to be hopeless. I was not sent on earth to feel anything, nor to expect good for myself because clearly, that's the message I have been getting all my life. I do not deserve to feel anything good. Maybe this is my punishment for leaving Aubrey behind.

That was it, I could not take it anymore. I have to end all of it before it gets too late. I have to stop seeing Ash to be unable to feel, to keep him safe from my miseries and myself. I was not good for him, I did not deserve someone like him. I have to let him live his life without me being a burden for him. I would forever be in his debt and I could not possiblly thank him enough for whatever he has done for me.

He was the best guy I had ever met and he deserves to get all the happiness in his life and for that to happen, I would have to leave him. Forever.

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AN: Thank You for reading!
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