Her

54

PHOENIX

When I was ten, I ran away.

I told my father that I saw my mother in bed with a man. I knew what they were doing. So did he. Shortly after, my parents told Xander and me that they'd get a divorce. They said nothing would change. Everything changed. I remember Xander crying. I remember my father comforting him. I remember my mother giving me a look, as though saying this is my fault. I felt like it was.

I packed up my things, put them in a backpack. Inside were clothes, food, money, my favourite book, my favourite DVD, and one of two walkie-talkies. I left a letter for Xan. I took Cat, the stuffed animal he got me, and took the packed backpack. Then I ran away.

I didn't have a destination; my only destination was away. I ended up at the local playground. But I knew I couldn't stay there forever. I knew that, at some point, the other kids would show up. And I knew they didn't like playing with me. Yet I stayed there. I talked to my imaginary friend, played with him. Eventually, Xander contacted me. I told him where I was. He said he'd come. I kept playing, kept talking. Then, the other kids showed up. I had a stutter. They said mean things, did mean things. I said mean things, did mean things. Xander showed up. He saved me.

I told him I wanted to go to the zoo. We went to the zoo. I discovered seahorses. I discovered that they are quite romantic, that they mate for life. I liked them. Xander said we should go home. I asked if we could go to the cinema, see a movie. I wanted to escape reality. We went to the cinema, saw a movie. I wanted to have ice cream. We had ice cream. Xander said we should go home. I said okay.

We went back. Our parents were worried. When our mother saw us, she hugged my brother. I watched them hugging. Our father asked me what we were thinking. He seemed concerned. He ruffled my hair. I didn't get a hug.

Seven years later, I'm running away again. I feel like I'm ten years old again, except this time, there is a difference. There is no Xander. But what is there is a destination.

I'm sitting on the bus, a packed backpack beside me, and in my arms Xander's cat, Aza's houseplant saying you're unbeleafable, and Aza's self-made photograph. I'm still wearing my green dress, and I am crying. The situation feels more than familiar.

I knock, three times. Before I can wait, the door is opened. This time, I get a hug. Three hugs to be more precise. There's a lot of talking, a lot of voices. It sounds like buzzing bees. Someone has taken my things and put them away. I've sat down. I'm holding a warm, strong hand. I'm breathing in a scent of coffee and forest. When the buzzing has calmed down a bit, I say my first few words since I've got on the bus.

"I got kicked out."

"You can stay here."

"Fuck."

"Your mum kicked you out?"

"Yeah," I say. "Though, technically, she isn't my mum. Or at least, I'm not her daughter."

Aza and Cass both say, "What?"

Ky says, "I knew it. You're adopted."

I laugh, but it hurts. I tell them what happened. They all look at me with faces you'd wear at a funeral.

"It's not that bad," I say. I don't know whether I'm trying to convince them or myself. "It could have gone worse."

"Your mum hit you," Ky says. "And she kicked you out of your home."

"Thanks for the reminder. I almost forgot."

"I'm sorry."

Aza shoots Ky a look, as though telling him off. "It's okay," she says, looking at me, gently squeezing my hand. "You'll just stay here for a while."

I try to smile at her.

"And if you want to," Cass says, "my dad could talk to your mum. I think maybe he should because, you know..."

"Oh," I say, not knowing what to say. "That's nice, really, but... No - but thank you, Cass. That's very... Thanks."

"Are you sure?"

I hesitate. I nod.

"Guess I should be offering my help too," Ky says. "But there kind of is nothing I can do for you."

"Thanks, Ky," I say. "And actually..." I get my bag and find my keys. "I know it might take some time, but could you get my car?"

"Your car?"

"My car."

I hand him my keys.

"I took the bus," I explain.

"Oh - yeah, of course I'll get it for you."

"I don't think my mum's at home right now, but... Just be careful."

"I'm always careful. Don't worry, Phoenix. I'll get it for you."

"Thank you."

Cass looks at Aza and me. She says she'll go with Ky. They leave.

"You took the bus," Aza says.

"I did," I say. "I told you I would. Told you I wouldn't drive when I'm upset."

Aza looks at me. She looks happy and sad at the same time.

"Phoenix," she says, "I'm so sorry."

"Don't be. It's not your fault, Aze. None of it is. My mum is just..." I don't finish the sentence. I try to smile at her.

"Your mum hates me."

"But I love you."

She gives me a smile. It's a sad smile. I believe that I am wearing the same one on my own face. I wish I could change them, make them happy smiles. I wish I could travel back in time and do things differently. But I can't.

"What are we going to do?" Aza says.

"I don't know," I say.

"I love you."

"I know."

We look at each other.

"Tell me we're going to be okay," I say. "Please."

She tells me we're going to be okay.

"Kiss me," I say. "Please."

She kisses me.

Our kiss tastes like sweet, burning salt.