Being Me

Chapter Two

We turn around in unison, shielding our vision from the glaring sun.
"Séan, Freya!" the voice calls again, I squint as two figures run towards us.

"Connor!Fíon" Freya shouts from beside me, causing me to jump at least two inches into the air, finally Connor and Fíon skid to a halt before us.
Connor's dressed in hideous green and orange swimming trunks, a towel of the same florescent colours is held tightly in his hand, and a plain white hat is pulled down tightly over his red hair, meanwhile Fíon is sporting plain black shorts and a bright red hat which is doing little to cover his already burning face.

"Rachel is sunbathing or something, we found a spot already." Connor says as he and Fíon follow us down the steps onto the sand.
The beach is rather empty considering the weather, only maybe twenty small groups occupying the large stretch of sand, pros about it being close to a water park I guess.
We follow Connor in the direction of where he says Rachel is waiting.
Rachel, my stomach flutters slightly at the thought of her, her beautiful mid length brown hair, pink lips, and intense brown eyes, that feeling is soon replaced by guilt and that smile that had appeared on my face is replaced with a frown.

I feel sick.

Maybe I am sick?

The feeling from earlier pushes it's way into my head again, the feeling of wanting to hit myself, to hurt myself, just to punish me for ever having these types of thoughts, for leading Rachel on, for failing mum and dad, for betraying my friends.

"Séan?" Fíon's voice snaps me out of my thoughts, he's staring at me, a curious look on his face, "you good man?" I nod and force a smile, I hate that word, 'man' I'm... I'm not.

"Here we are, hey Ray,look who's here!" Connor called.

I looked past Fíon to see Rachel, stretched out on a lavender beach towel in a bright pink bikini, her brown eyes hidden behind sunglasses, as I watched she sat up, a smile breaking out on her face as she looked over, "Freya, Séan!" She exclaimed, jumping up and hurrying towards us.
She hugged Freya before turning to me and kissing me on the cheek before hugging me,I feel a dark blush fill my cheeks, "I missed you." Her voice was a whisper in my ear, her breath tickling the side of my face, I couldn't help but smile again.

The butterflies in my stomach that have been lying dormant for so long begin to dance.
"I love you too." I whispered back, bending my neck to kiss her on the temple. Despite the butterflies, I still can't seem to be able to push away that pit of shame.

"You've grown your hair out." She murmers softly.

"Do you like it?" I ask in response, slightly nervous of what she might say.

"It suits you." She says simply

"Okay, swim time!" Rachel exclaimed, as she pulled out of the hug, "you two," she poked me in the stomach and jabbed another finger at Freya, "need to get changed"

"Man, you alright in there?" Connors voice sounds from outside the door to the changing rooms.

"Yeah, I'll be out in a minute!" I call back, pulling on my shorts and swimming shirt and plastering on a smile before I swing the door open.

"What took you so long Séan?" Connor asked, his face painted with curiosity and..concern? I shrug in response and wipe the back of my hand across my already sweating forehead.
I followed Connor towards the water where the others were waiting, Freya throwing clouds of foam at Fíon who was pulling a disgusted face as he threw them back.
Rachel was standing in the water, angling her wrist as she prepared to throw a stone, completely oblivious to the two chaos gremlins just a meter or so behind her.

"Ray!" I shouted, abandoning Connor to get hit in the face with sea foam, and running up to her.

I stood beside Rachel quietly, she let go of the stone, sending it spinning and hopping over the waves, I felt her hand grasp mine as we watched it finally fall into the depths, my hand tingles at her touch and my heart jumps excitedly in my chest.
"Are you okay?"
I stare at Rachel, she's staring back, her eyes full of concern, "We haven't talked in over a month, you don't message me. I just want to know that you're okay."

More guilt fills the seemingly bottomless pit, now is my chance, my chance to tell her, "Rachel,I," I pause before continuing, "I'm ok."

Rachel squeezes my hand in hers, "Are you sure? It's just... I feel you've been pulling away from me these past few weeks..." She pauses as she pushes her hair out of her face, "you do know if something's wrong, anything, you can tell me and we will talk about, possibly even fix it."
The tears trickle out of my eyes before I can stop them, Rachel's face turns into a sympathetic one and she pulls me into a hug, letting me rest my chin on her shoulder as I cry.
I see the others out of the corner of my eye, they're waiting with curiosity, their game left forgotten, seeming to realize I've seen them the quickly turn back to it, their laughter and shrieks quickly filling the air yet again.

Nobody mentions my breakdown later on as we sit on the blanket huddled over sandwiches, doing out best to not allow the wind to rip them away.
I'm great full for that, great full that they don't ask for reasons or question my worth, I'm already doing enough of that for all of us combined.

[19/09/22]