Being Me

Chapter Twelve

(tw:talks of dysphoria and conversion therapy.)

After what feels like forever -buts probably only twenty minutes- I hear the sound of Dante's cup as he sets it down and clears his throat, "Séan," he says slowly, his tone calm, unlike mum's, "How long have you felt like this?" Then before I could say anything he quickly added, "please none of that 'all my life' stuff, I mean, when did you first...realize"

I swallow, letting go of the teaspoon, and watching it continue to spinn around the cup in the swirl of flavoured water, before finally settling. "It became most obvious when I was thirteen..." I pick absently on the cuticles of my left hand as I speak, "But I... it's hard to explain, when I say obvious, I mean hard, I- it was worse than before, because, I guess, before that I...hoped so much that when I went through puberty that everything would change, that suddenly I'd be, I don't know, normal?" The finger I'd been picking at starts to bleed and I watch it, again waiting for Dante to speak.

"..What do you.. mean, hard?" Dante says slowly, sounding like he's still processing my first, blurted statement that brought us to this.

"Before, I'd already.. felt, as if my life was...off to say the least. Like whatever created me had just...you know.. smashed away at the keyboard when they hit the create a character option, and they got everything wrong, the character, the gender, even the controls. I.. feel like... "I pause, thinking for the right words, "like in this game of life, I'm playing in third person, as someone entirely different. When I.. I mean, I don't look at myself, I look at... something, something so... Ugly, so sickening, so wrong. I just want it to be right."

"And your girlfriend, Rachel, does she know?" Dante asks cautiously.

I shake my head, tears silently making their way down my cheeks, "I could never bring myself to tell her, and now there's no point."

"No point?" Dante echoes, I can practically hear the frown in his voice.

"Séan and Rachel broke up." Mum states with such casualness it makes me angry.

"Oh Séan, I'm so sor-" I cut Dante off, pushing myself to my feet and turning to mum.

"Rachel and I never broke up! How could you ever say that?!" I shout, I'm seething and I'm sure if I was a cartoon character, steam would be coming out of my ears, "You were the one who fucking told her that! I never wanted to break up with her, but noooooo, you had other plans!" I turn to Dante know and Jab a finger towards mum as I continue, "She fucking sent a message to Rachel, claiming that I asked her to tell Rachel that I wanted to break up! And then she demanded for my fucking phone so I couldn't even explain to Rachel!" I spit, Dante stares, dumbstruck, a slight glare on his face directed towards mum.

"What the fuck?" He says, a look of disbelief on his face now as he sees the look of admission on mum's face, "no matter your reasons, you can't just bloody do that." Mum doesn't respond and he sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose and turning back to me, gesturing for me to sit back down, once I'm sat he speaks again, "alright, how about we leave this argument for later, after we get through the talk, and you," he turns to mum once more, "don't say anything."
He turns back to me, a soft smile on his face, "Is there anything else you want to say? That isn't a part of this argument."

I shrug, unsure, "well, when I told Mum and Dad.. almost immediately I was told that I, that I would be sent to counseling. I've been going since the day after you visited, in short, it's conversion therapy. "

I see Dante's jaw visibly clench and he nods slowly, "Well, we should get going." Mum sounds suddenly, rising up from my chair and staring pointedly at me.
Reluctantly, I stand, Dante does to, and without saying a word, he accompanies us to the door.

The car ride back home was beyond bad, I sat there silently as mum spouted lecture after lecture, saying how disappointed she was at me for running off like that, how dare I tell Dante about my "illness" when she told me not to, et cetera, et cetera.
I wanted to crawl into my foot well and die, but I couldn't, so as soon as the car pulled to a stop outside out house I jumped out and sprinted up the path, inside and hid in my room.

I don't know how long I've been in my room now but it's getting dark out, so hours.
No one has so much as knocked on my door yet, not that I expect my parents to, but Otis, I thought he might.
But it's probably best to stop, I don't want to wreck any more of my relationships with my family.

I force myself up from my bed and out if my bedroom door, slowly, I trudge down the stairs, entering the kitchen where I can hear Mum preparing dinner, "Mum," she turns around at me, waiting for me to continue, I bite the inside of my cheek sharply before, "I'll cooperate..."

She stares at me in surprise, but satisfaction, and I finish.

"I'll let myself be fixed."

(A/n: this chapter took painfully long, I honestly rewrote it five times, I think I might have finally decided on the turnout for this chapter, I did try to give a more positive turnout but it read off as more awkward than wholesome, sooo, yep, a bit more angst, I'll try to not make it last many more chapters tho ⊙⁠﹏⁠⊙ )
[31/10/22]