I Love You Just the Way You Are (Book 1- Rock Canyon Series)

Chapter 10 - Kellan

Chapter 10 - Kellan

I sank lower into my seat, my head hovering above my tray. Watching Maddie as she ran away made me feel like the biggest jerk in the world. 

I couldn't hide that I laughed. I laughed with my friends because I didn't want to be the only one at the table not laughing, but that wasn't a proper excuse. My cowardly response killed a golden opportunity to do the right thing. Now she would only see me as one of them.

Which... I had earned, I guess.

The shame was so all encompassing that I couldn't even talk to anyone for the rest of lunch. All I could do was replay her face when she first noticed me watching. To see how the shift from confusion and fear to... to something far worse. 

As lunch ended I murmured something to one of my friends and bolted for the bathroom.

I locked myself in the handicap stall. I tried to tell myself that none of this mattered anymore; that Maddie wasn't a girl, and I didn't need her approval. I didn't have to waste my time trying to get her attention. I wasn't happy with my actions, and I promised myself I wouldn't participate again. The fact that she would lump me in with my friends was irrelevant and wasn't my business or concern.

I paced around the little area, struggling to get an anchor in the swirling sea of my thoughts.

Trying to push Maddie away didn't feel right. I always knew when something felt right or wrong; that's one of the reasons I was such a great quarterback. I could sense an open man before I even saw him. I couldn't explain in words how that worked; it just did. And I knew that abandoning Maddie wasn't the right choice.

Look, nobody deserved to be treated that way. Nobody. It was my place as team captain... no no no, it's more than that. It's my place as a human being to stand up and tell my friends that what they were doing was wrong. 

But you laughed, Kellan. YOU participated. You are as wrong as they are, remember?

I looked up at the ceiling and stifled a scream. This wasn't what I wanted to be dealing with on the first day of school, with just over twenty-four hours to go until the first game of the season. I cursed and punched the door open. I jumped when it bounced against its hinges and flew back toward me.

"God dammit!" I huffed. I didn't ask for any of this. Why is this happening to me right now? I just wanted to impress the scouts, maintain my mediocre GPA and get through another school year. 

I didn't come here to take up for... whatever you are Maddie. I'm sorry you got bullied. It was wrong. I want them to leave you alone so we can all just get on with our lives.

I closed my eyes but all I saw was her face across hundreds of pages of my sketchpad. I swallowed hard.

Ah, fuck. Why do you have to be so beautiful? I have to move on from you... but that... doesn't... shit. I've already fallen for you, like a fool, haven't I? And, like an ever bigger fool, I couldn't bring myself to do anything but laugh when you needed a hero. And like the biggest fool of all, I'm still sitting here thinking about you as if you're a girl.

I sighed and caught my reflection in the mirror. My eyes looked beaten with pain. Pain that I was an asshole who laughed, pain because I knew I needed to apologize, and pain because I was worried about her. I didn't want to care about her anymore. It wasn't healthy now that I knew the truth. Caring would only make life more difficult for me at a time when I needed simplicity.

But I do care. She's been my world for two months. I just can't snap my fingers and let her go.

I washed my hands quickly and avoided my reflection. I'd had enough introspection for one day. I decided that it was time to make this right and then do whatever I needed to do to move on.