Suffocating

You Know I'm Right

Sophie.

Mr. Vance, the principle, stepped out of his office and looked at me. "You're free to go, Ms. Chase. Ashley will write you a pass. Please try to refrain from skipping class in the future."

I kept my mouth shut and just nodded. I waited until he was back in his office before I went to Ashley at the counter. She handed me a blue piece of paper before looking at Calvin.

"Don't think I'm not telling mom."

Calvin rolled his eyes, took his blue slip, and left the office. I ran after him and grabbed his hand to stop him.

He turned and looked at me but didn't say anything.

"What did you say in there?"

He shrugged and started walking towards a set of stairs in front of us.

"Calvin, wait."

He sighed loudly and stopped. "What do you want?"

His tone stung but I ignored it. "I just wanted to thank you."

"Okay."

"Aren't you going to ask what for?"

"It doesn't matter."

"Of course it matters. You didn't have to do that for me but you did. I want to know why."

"Because when I decided to kill myself, I didn't plan to take others down with me."

"Calvin-"

"If you were smart, you'd stay away from me."

I wasn't judgemental. Sure, I bullied a kid when I was five but he stole my crayon and I had every right to bully him.

I barely knew Calvin but I wasn't going to judge him for anything he did. I didn't know what he was going through so I had no room to judge him.

"I don't want to."

"I want you to." He got to the first step and was heading up them. I got in front of him so he had to  stop and talk.

"Calvin, I'm not going to be mean to you like everyone else. I don't understand what you're going through or what's happened but... I want you to know that I'll listen if you want to talk."

"You sound like Mrs. Jackson."

"Who?"

He rolled his eyes. "No one."

"I know we don't know each other very well but don't shut me out. I'm here for you."

He said nothing for several seconds before he stuck his hands in his back pockets. "What are you doing after school?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Your sister is the office aide?" I asked, looking at Calvin sitting across from me. We were back in the stairwell, just talking. Classes had let out and students were leaving to go home for the day. Calvin had to tell his sister he'd be with me before she would leave him.

"Unfortunately. She gets community service for doing it."

"That's impressive."

"For her. For me, not so much."

I laughed. "Does she get you in trouble?"

"I do that well enough on my own." He said, holding back a smile.

We were silent for several minutes. The window was a nice distraction. It kept me from being too nervous around him yet I felt like it was preventing me from paying attention to him.

"Can I ask you something?" I asked, pushing myself up so I was sitting.

He nodded.

"What... made you want to..."

"To kill myself?"

I nodded, unable to say the words myself.

He pursed his lips and stayed silent. I didn't think he even wanted to tell me. I wasn't sure I could do it if I tried to kill myself. I wouldn't want to talk about it. What if I was making him hate me?

"If this is too personal, you can tell me to shut up, Cal-"

"No. No one's ever asked. I've never had to actually... put it into words."

"No one at the hospital asked?"

He shook his head. "They asked if I was depressed or if I was bullied but they didn't ask for my version."

"That's..."

"It's stupid, I know."

"So..."

"Right. A week or so before I... did it, a girl from my math class spread this rumor that I was gay. I don't normally pay attention that shit but it escalated and I couldn't ignore. Everywhere I went, someone was asking who my boyfriend was or if I had sex for money. Then the same girl's friend posted a video of 'me' having sex with some guy. I just... couldn't take it."

"Did you do anything to... make them mad?"

He looked at me with cold eyes and I felt guilty for even asking in the first place. "I stay to myself. You see how I am. I don't talk to people or instigate anything. This is just some preppy girl's way of 'having fun.'"

"And you wanted her to pay."

"You don't get it."

"Calvin, please. I'm trying to understand-"

"No, you're not. You're judging me. Just like the rest of them."

I moved closer to him and pushed him back when he tried to get up. "I'm not doing anything and you know it. This is just your way of shutting me out and I'm not going to take it. I'm not like these girls here."

He just looked at me, his mouth agape.

"You know I'm right."