Suffocating

Pictures (Trigger)

Calvin.

Sophie was starting to notice. She was being too quiet and it was too much for Calvin. He tried playing it cool but it was bothering him. Why couldn't he tell Sophie what was going on?

He looked down at her and she seemed deep in thought. Her eyes weren't focused on the TV but he couldn't blame her. He was having a hard time, himself. He wanted to say something and open up to her but what if he scared her off? What if she didn't want to be with him and it was all for nothing?

Sophie was an easy girl to get along with. She didn't do her hair or make up every day to look nice for Calvin. She didn't put on perfume when she went to the bathroom or stopped at her locker at school. She didn't try too hard to make Calvin like her. That's what he liked most about her. She wasn't complicated and didn't give him a headache trying to figure her out.

Calvin found himself staring at her and felt embarrassed. He sat up and grinned. Sophie looked around the room, a confused look on her face. The sudden movement brought her back to the present.

"Are you okay?"

She sat up beside him and nodded, the bun on top of her head moving as well. "Yeah, I'm fine. Why?"

"Did I scare you?"

She shook her head.

He leaned back and ran a hand through his hair, his cheeks flushing. "I realized neither of us had said anything for a long time. It was weird."

"Sometimes silence is nice."

Calvin hated silence. It reminded him too much of his dark thoughts and it worried him. He didn't want to make anyone suspicious. He didn't want anyone knowing he wasn't a'okay.

He struggled to smile but he knew it wasn't very convincing.

Sophie looked down at the backpacks on the floor and changed the subject, much to Calvin's relief. "I guess we're not going to study."

"I was kind of hoping we weren't going to."

She threw a pillow at him and he relaxed. "How are you ever supposed to pass biology if you don't study?"

"I wasn't thinking that far ahead." Shit.

Before he could rephrase his words and fix the situation, Sophie's mom called down the steps. "Calvin, your sister's here."

Sophie sighed and Calvin had to hold back his excitement. As much as he loved being with Sophie and spending time with her, he was just too stressed out to relax and enjoy himself. He needed to be alone for a while.

He sat up and kissed her. "I'll see you tomorrow?"

She nodded. "Bye, Cal."

"Bye, Sophie." He grabbed his backpack and tossed it over his shoulder as he jogged up the stairs. He said a short goodbye to Sophie's mother on his way out and took a deep breath of the fresh air as he walked to Ashley's car.

She was looking at him funny as he got in the passenger seat. "Did you two have sex?"

"Is that all you ever think about?"

"Come on. You're my little brother. I have to look out for you."

He rolled his eyes. He didn't believe anyone when they said they cared about him. People had been saying that to him for years but it was just fake promises that never amounted to anything.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Calvin slept through his alarms and shrugged Ashley off when she tried waking him up for school the next morning. He went back to sleep for a few hours before he got out of bed.

He didn't miss school when he wasn't there and he was sure it didn't miss him either. He didn't have to deal with anyone, students or teachers or guidance counselors. He didn't have to pretend he was happy just so no one would look at him funny.

He stared at his room and an odd thought came to him. Sophie's room, though she'd just moved, had pictures on the walls, decorations to personalize it. There was life in her room. In Calvin's, there wasn't any of that. He didn't have any pictures around, nothing that showed anyone what kind of music he liked or what hobbies he liked. It was boring and bland and sad.

He could have easily hung a poster up or changed the curtains but the thought of doing it just made him tired. He wanted nothing more than to keep things the same. He didn't want anyone to know anything about him. Because they only wanted answers he didn't have.

He felt bad for ditching school when Sophie was there, when she would miss him, but no one else would miss him there. No one would care that he wasn't there. He liked it better that way.

He spent the day wondering around the house, doing random things to keep his brain from working. He found that his parents were just like him. They didn't keep too many pictures up. There were some in the hallway of Ashley but they were old and didn't show off who the family was. The kitchen had no decorations. Nothing on the fridge to let guests know that children lived there. Not like there were ever any guests.

People stopped visiting his family. It had happened several weeks before Calvin attempted suicide but it became obvious to him when he came home from the hospital. No one dropped off dishes of food or offered any condolences. No neighbors called to check on us. They just whispered across fences and gates and over the phone where his family wouldn't notice. But how could they not when it was so glaringly obvious?

He had ruined his family's life by having such dark thoughts. By acting on them. Why couldn't Calvin just be normal and not think about killing himself? Why couldn't he do it the right way? Why couldn't he do it when no one would check on him or when no one would be around to safe him just in time? Why wouldn't he do it when no one would care?