It's time to move on

Chapter 17 - Be my girlfriend (A)

Disgusted. That’s what I feel about myself seeing Jason like this. The pained expression on his face made me want to die the worst death possible; he looked cold and distant. The minute I went to his seat to say sorry, he walked away not giving me a chance to explain; like I would tell him anything, my mind snapped back. He didn't deserve it, any of it. I have hurt the one person who made my life pleasant with just his presence, the one person who didn't judge me based on what I wear or eat, the one person who's been with me no matter what people thought about him hanging around a loser like me, the very person who I wouldn't dare to upset even in my dreams but still did.

This has to happen when I thought everything's going to be OK and life would be back to normal. For the first time in my life I feel more hurt than the person who I somehow managed to hurt without any personal intentions and this hurt like a bitch...

I myself don’t know why I ran away from him. Was it because I was scared it might just be a New Year kiss to him while it meant the world to me or was it because I was scared he might say it was just a mistake on his part . Or maybe I was more scared he might know that I am in love with him.

Whatever might be the reasons, I shouldn’t have run away like that. I should have waited for him to say something even if it is something like ‘Just forget that happened’ or something like ‘That shouldn’t have happened’. Instead I chickened out like I always did and hurt him.

Seeing Jason like this took my pain and guilt to another level since he wasn't like this even after he found out Cheryl was cheating on him which made me feel even worse and the fact that we share almost all the classes including lunch isn't helping either. 

The lunches turned to be boring and awkward these days with everyone knowing something's wrong with him. Some understood I might be the one responsible for this and didn't press matters while others like Kyle kept asking what's wrong with him.

Somehow Elle, Em and Gabe seemed to notice the awkwardness and always tried to change the topic when anyone brings it up with him which made me wonder if I was doing the right thing sitting with the group.

So I did the only thing that I thought would be best for them; However sitting with Blake turned out to be worse than I expected since I could feel Jason's glares on my back throughout the lunch period which made me doubt my decision, in my defense I don't know anyone except him apart from the group.

May be this would stop if I pick up courage and tell him about my feelings; but what if he doesn’t like me back? That would surely make things more awkward.   

“Why are you doing this Anna?” Blake asked snapping me out of my reverie.

“I am sorry for dragging you into my mess” I said looking anywhere but him.

“It’s OK, I don't mind sitting with you. It’s just that--- if looks could kill I would be buried under the ground you are sitting by now” he said looking behind me.

“Oh, I am so sorry. I didn't know anyone else and can’t sit alone because then everyone would know I am responsible for his shitty mood”

He chuckled “You sure have come a long way... Maybe Jason is really good for you”

I smiled at him as he added “But did you think how he would feel knowing you ditched sitting with him for me, especially after what happened with Cheryl”

Turned out I am a bigger douche than I thought I was. He is right; I didn't realize that until he pointed it out. I am sitting with the same person who his ex-girlfriend cheated on, that too after I rejected him, or so he must have thought.

“I don’t know what’s right anymore” I admitted honestly. Never had I thought I’ll take Blake’s help to stay away from Jason and our group, but here I am sitting with him discussing my problems. And out of all people, I had to ask him to help me; that too after what I did to him.