IF WE WERE MEANT TO BE // Billie Eilish

Chapter Thirty Nine - slip away again

Francis's PoV:

Billie walks the house through the door, looking nervous and defeated. I hadn't expected any different.

Finneas was here instead of his own house and we'd been on the couch talking about music all nigjt waiting for her. He knew that the publicity stunt with Jordan would have brought up bad memories for her. I didn't ask what, but I knew the scars on her body were filled with pain he brought.

He analyses her with squinted eyes as she goes to the freezer in a trance-like state, not having acknowledged either of us yet. She pulls out some ice cream and starts to eat it, leaving the freezer door open. You know somethings wrong when Billie does something that contributes to climate change.

"Bil." Finneas says.

She looks up nonchalantly, barely regarding him. He turns to me and we exchange looks, knowing something went wrong.

I stand up from the sofa and shut the freezer door for her. "Hi baby." I whisper with a soft smile.

She ignores me, and tries to scoop a spoonful of ice cream. It's too solid and she puts more effort in until she's hacking at it like her spoon is an ice pick. Tears begin to stream from her eyes but she doesn't make a sound.

"Hey, hey, hey." I say, taking the tub from her. Finneas instantly leaps to his feet and comes over.

We both look at her with pleading eyes, but she refuses to look at us, turning her neck as far as possible. I can see her trying to regain composure.

She turns to Finn, who's stood in her path.

"Move." She says coldly.

"What happened?" He says, it coming out more as a demand than a question. Her lips slightly quivers at the corner but she stops it.

"Nothing." She answers, her eyes dead locked in his.

I brush her arms and her whole body jolts away. I recognised this movement in Madison after some creep harassed her at a party.

I scrunch my brows. "What did he do?" I whisper.

She looks at me in fear, then down in shame.

I carefully grab her hand, making it obviously what I'm doing before I touch her. She looks uncomfortable at first, then curls her fingers round mine.

"It's not a big deal." She laughs, sadly. "Honestly, I'm being dramatic as fuck, it's all good - I'm good."

I look to Finneas. I can see his blood boiling behind his calm composure.

"Let's get you to your room." He says, noticing her getting weaker by the second.

We take her to her bed and wrap her up in blankets.

"You want anything?" I ask, making sure not do any fast movements.

"Water." She croaks. I nod, and walk back out to where Finneas stands in the hall. He signals for me to shut the door.

"Danny's just sent me paparazzi shots of them kissing. Well, him kissing her." He says, struggling to keep a low voice.

I look at his phone. She's pressed against the wall, unable to escape.

"That's not it." He continues, sternly. "When he and Billie were together, this type of thing used to happen a lot. It wasn't like he forced himself on her. But, she was so broken he took advantage of it. He was in charge of her and would... do stuff to her when she wasn't in the mood. And she did it. She told me everything when they broke up."

I don't reply for at least a minute, trying to even slightly process the emotional torture Billie had been under.

I remembered that night months ago, just after we had first met. How she hated Jordan with every part of her, yet she was clearly having sex with him. I had never understood until now - she was conditioned by him to become his puppet. Never had such disgust filled my body.

"How did tonight even happen?" I ask, outrage coursing through my body.

"I wanted to stop it, but she wouldn't let me. I would have to have given Danny a reason and she was too embarrassed. You know how she feels about appearing weak."

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

"She's done with him. Forever." I state. He nods in agreement.

"I'll call Danny when I get home." He answers. "Are you okay looking out for her? Mom and Dad are already asleep."

"I'll look after her." I answer, reassuringly.

"I know." He replies, before walking out the door.

I grab a glass of water and return to Billie's room. I sit at the end of the bed to give her space and pass her the glass. She sips it. Her eyes squeeze shut, trying ignore the touch of the water on her lips.

"I'm sorry." She whispers.

"Listen carefully to me. You have nothing to be sorry for." Relief calms her body. "Are you tired?"

She shakes her head.

"You wanna watch 'The Office'?"

The corners of her mouth ever so slightly curl upward.

"We'll stay at home for as long as you need. I'll take care of you, I promise."

"That's rotten work." She scoffs.

"Not for me. Not if it's you."

I grab her laptop and sit beside her, pressing play on the show. Hours pass, and she slowly curls up to me, filling me with relief.

We reach the end of Season One and the sun begins to rise through the slits of the blind.

For the first time since I hit play, Billie speaks.

"How do I let people step over me? I get that Elliot is gonna be family one day. And I get that... Jordan was a part of maintaining my brand. But, fuck me."

I want to kiss her forehead, and then her cheek, her nose, and her lips. I want to wrap her in my arms and be her human shield. I never want to let go of her again.

"I don't wanna stay here all day and feel sorry for myself." She states, looking at the rising sun. Her eyes then fall on me. "You are my life. Now and forever. And I feel like everything has been pushed in front. But, I don't care about anything but you."

I furrow my brows, wondering where she's going.

"I don't want this tour - this job. I don't want Elliot and Jordan and the fucking paps watching my life when it's not even real. I got so caught up in this shit to the point where everything is fake in it. I don't wanna live in a false world anymore."

"Billie..." I start. Being on tour with her, I watched how she interacted with her fans. Her fame has given her so much more life than it has taken away. "I won't let you do this."

She looks down at our promise rings.

"Fine." She says. "But, I have one condition."

I smirk, intrigued.

"If I have to continue having this false life, then I want to make sure I have my real one, too. In all of this craziness, the only thing I know I want is you."

"I want you, too." I laugh.

"No, you don't get it. I want to start my life as our life. I don't want to say "I want you", I want to say "I have you"."

I pause, staring deep into her glass-like eyes. I have never seen such intensity or desperation in them.

"Fuck being 18. Marry me, Francis. And our real life will never slip away again."

I can't tell whether tonight had put her in emotional shock, or complete clarity.