Coming Home

Two

"Alexis?" Theo questions as we begin the drive from the hell-house to our hotel. His confusion is so prominent, so tangible, that I can almost feel it hanging in the air around us. Honestly, it's almost suffocating. There's a tiny voice in the back of my head telling me that maybe I should feel even the slightest bit guilty about this situation, but I can't seem to bring myself to.

In fact, I actually feel quite indifferent to his feelings right now. Maybe that makes me a bad girlfriend; I'm not sure. And, if I'm being truthful, I can't say I really care about that right now. Shrugging my shoulders, I simply respond, "It's my first name."

"So your name isn't Kate?" he asks, both his facial expression and voice giving away the surprise he must be feeling to hear this news. There's a hint of something else, as well, some unhidden and perfectly reasonable disgust lurking in his words. While I'm well aware his feelings are not entirely unprecedented, I can't help but feel annoyed with the entirety of this conversation.

I sigh deeply, wishing with all my might that I didn't have to explain this right now. That Theo could just... let it go. That he could just accept the explanation that I've already offered him and move on, freeing me from any further burden of reliving my time as Alexis Miller. "Kate is my middle name," I tell him honestly, even though I really don't want to talk about it. I soldier through it, however, knowing that he probably deserves a proper explanation after all this time. "When I left here, I wanted a new start. Getting a legal name change takes time and money, which I didn't have to spare back then. So, I decided to just go by my middle name and hope that no one from this town would find me."

"I can't believe that we've been together for nearly a year, and I don't even know your real name," says Theo, dumbfounded. His tone is clipped, clearly expressing his annoyance at me. And possibly anger. While his feelings are entirely valid in this situation, I can't help but feel as if mine are being too easily dismissed.

"Kate is my real name," I reiterate, struggling to contain my own rising fury. Could he possibly really care so much about something as ridiculous as a name? It's not like I lied about it; I simply disconnected myself from the name Alexis years ago, and I didn't ever want to be that girl again. "It's just not my first name. It's not a big deal, Theo."

"Not a big deal? Kate--er, Alexis! I feel like I don't even know you!" he shouts at me, his gaze never leaving the road as he drives. And although he isn't looking at me, I can feel the heat within his eyes. It unsettles me further, fueling the rapidly growing anger that swirls in my belly.

"Don't raise your voice at me, Theo," I calmly reply, even though I'd really like to share some choice words with him at the moment. "It's just a name. A name that I really would prefer not to be called. I didn't think you'd care so much, but I apologize that it has upset you."

After the words leave my mouth, I mentally check out of the conversation, my mind being wholly overtaken by thoughts of the people present in that kitchen earlier. People I haven't seen in five years. People I wish that I would never see again. As harsh as it sounds, it's actually a lot nicer than what I would really like to say about them. I've only been back in town for a couple of hours, and I'm already dying to get out of here. Sensing that I'm temporarily finished with this conversation, Theo returns his full attention to getting us to the hotel, his fingers gripping the steering wheel tightly as he drives.

My mind continues to reel over today and how it feels to be back in this town. To have stepped foot in that house. To have spoken to my father. To Uncle Dave. How I'm going to survive the next few days while stuck in this place. I wonder what would be the best way to make it through my grandmother's wake, funeral, and the reading of her will with minimal contact with my so-called family. The fewer interactions I have with them, the better.

Not another word is spoken between Theo and me for the remainder of the drive, and while I should feel guilty about that, I don't. Not even a little bit. The two of us even manage to check into the hotel and arrive at our shared room without exchanging a single peep. I'm not sure who is angrier, but I believe we both need a chance to cool down before any other feelings or thoughts are expressed. Tossing around accusations and resentments would only further hurt each other, and that's not something I'd like either of us to be subjected to.

Okay, I can see where Theo might have a point. Perhaps I should have told him by now that Kate is not actually my first name. Maybe I should be more understanding of his feelings and put my own aside for the sake of our relationship. Perhaps he would have been more understanding about it had I not waited until it came out like this. I suppose I could have at least given him a heads-up before we arrived. Is there even a "right time" to tell your boyfriend of a year that the name he's been calling you throughout your entire relationship is not your actual first name? Ugh, I'm so confused.

I guess I just never felt that it was that important.

On the other hand, I feel that Theo is overreacting, as well. From the bits and pieces I've shared with him about my past, my family, and this town, I feel he should understand at least a little more than he does. He could at least attempt to, you know? I think that today, of all days, he should be more empathetic toward me, with the recent passing of my grandmother and having to return to this town which I loathe so much. Having to interact once again with my family members, whom I'd prefer to pretend don't even exist. I feel that he could cut me a bit of slack today, if even just a little.

Maybe that's entirely selfish; I won't deny that it might be. If I'm honest, it even sounds insanely selfish to my own ears. I probably should be more accepting and understanding of Theo's feelings in this situation. But I won't. I don't want to. Not today. No, all I can do today is preserve what's left of my sanity, to protect myself from being caused further damage in this hell of a town. I apologize to no one for doing what I need to do to survive these next few days. If that's selfish, well, then I guess I'm just going to embrace that title.