Coming Home

Five

I arrive at the funeral home for my grandmother's wake, my heart growing increasingly heavy in my chest with every moment that passes by. As if saying goodbye to a woman I loved so dearly isn't difficult enough, I notice that most of my family is already present. I wish, if only for these few days, that things weren't so brutally strained between us. Wouldn't it be nice to come together as a family while we mutually grieve this significant loss? Unfortunately, I know that could never happen, not with my particular family. Breathing deeply for a few seconds, I tell myself that I'm ready to spend the next few hours standing by their sides and faking civility, as long as I focus solely on remembering my grandma. She is, after all, the only reason I'm here.

I never really understood wakes. I mean, what precisely is the purpose? I've been standing around in this parlor for hours, receiving condolences from people who mean nothing to me anymore, when I just want to sit in my hotel room alone and cry over the loss of my grandma. I've had just about enough of this entire town already; I've certainly had my fill of flowers, hugs, and meaningless words from people who couldn't give a damn about how I'm actually holding together right now. I sigh to myself, trying to uphold my strong and unaffected outward appearance. If only we could have arranged for the wake, funeral, and will-reading to be done all in one day; I'm not sure how much longer I can stand to be around these people. Taking a deep breath, I try to calm my nerves, knowing that my grandma would like me to at least try to control my emotions right now. And for her, I will.

As the funeral home finally begins to clear out of visitors and my family is left standing alone near the casket, my Aunt Levinia approaches me. "Alexis," she says, her usual snootiness overtaking her tone. "Where is Theo?" she asks, looking around the room for him as if she has somehow missed his presence.

"He had to return home for a business meeting," I lie unashamedly. The words leave my lips quickly, without any hesitation or guilt about being dishonest with a family member. I'm not really even sure that I can count these people as "family" anymore after the harsh falling out we had all those years ago. Besides, whatever is going on between Theo and me isn't really anyone else's business. Especially not right at this moment.

"Oh," she responds, sounding almost disappointed by his absence; I can't say I relate to the sentiment at all, if I'm honest. "Will he be back for the funeral tomorrow?"

"I doubt it," I reply simply, wishing for this conversation to be over quickly. Speaking to a woman who despises me so much is not at the top of my priority list right now. "The flight itself is a few hours long," I explain, although I'm wholly certain that this woman doesn't deserve my explanations.

"Well, we'd better head home," Uncle Dave says as he walks up to us, wrapping his arm around his wife's waist and pulling her close to him. It's almost as if he's protecting her from me or something. As much as that stings, at least I got my wish; Uncle Dave has effectively put an end to the unpleasant conversation. "We'll see you tomorrow, Alexis," he adds as the two begin to walk away.

I nod wordlessly at him, unwilling to waste my breath on him at the moment. There are so many things that I'd like to say to Uncle Dave, but I can't. Not here, and definitely not now. So I bite my tongue, relieved to be temporarily saved from the awkward and painful confrontation that inevitably awaits us.

Just two more days, Kate. Just two more days.

Even with my mind screaming at me to get out of here as quickly as possible, I linger behind. I watch as my so-called family members disappear from the room one by one until, finally, I'm the only person left in the parlor. Checking to make sure that I'm alone, I quietly step up to my grandmother's casket, gingerly placing my hand over hers. Tears instantly spring to my eyes, and I'm unable to stop them from spilling down my cheeks. Not that I tried very hard; my mind is far too preoccupied replaying all the beautiful memories I've had with this lovely woman.

"I'm so sorry, Gran," I whisper through the tears. "I'm sorry I wasn't here and that I didn't come sooner." My voice cracks and clouds over; my words are broken and thick as if my throat is constricting. I sniffle back a sob before continuing, "I love you so much. I wish I had been a better granddaughter. I wish I had never let everyone else come between us. I'm... I'm so..." There's no stopping the next sob as it wracks my entire body. My knees practically give out, and I'm left clutching the side of the casket for support. I press my forehead against the cool wood, my eyes closing of their own accord as I'm overwhelmed with waves of grief and sadness and an immense pain that I never could have imagined. "I'm sorry," I whisper again.

A throat clearing behind me draws my attention, and I reluctantly turn my tear-streaked face toward the sound. I'm sure my makeup is ruined, mascara smudge around my eyes, and my eyes and nose are likely puffy and red. As much as I hate that someone is seeing me like this, I'm too distraught to actually care at the moment. My gaze lands on the intruder, and I'm silently horrified to see Uncle Dave standing in the doorway. He gapes at me, his mouth open as if he wants to say something but can't find the words. There's a hurt in his eyes that I've never seen before. One that would tug harshly on the heartstrings of any person with even the smallest amount of compassion.

"I didn't mean to interrupt," Uncle Dave eventually says, his words mumbled. "I just... forgot my coat," he adds when I don't respond.

I take a deep breath and force myself to my feet. My hands quickly wipe my tears away before working to smooth my disheveled hair and wrinkled dress. After I feel like I've somewhat collected myself, I turn toward the exit and leave, not speaking a single word to my uncle as he watches me go.

"Alexis?" he says quietly as I pass by him, stopping me in my tracks. I don't bother to turn around to face him, unsure what kind of reaction I'll receive from him after my embarrassing display of vulnerability just moments ago. When minutes go by, and Uncle Dave doesn't say anything else, I take another deep breath before leaving the funeral home altogether.

I need to get as far away from here as quickly as I can.