Coming Home

Nine

My body moves sluggishly, almost entirely refusing to cooperate with my commands to get back to the hotel, the weight of today pressing heavily upon my chest. My steps are slow, and it takes a significant amount of effort to keep from collapsing on the sidewalk and simply crying my eyes out. I shut off my brain, disallowing any further thoughts of what happened in that funeral home from bothering me right now; I especially don't want to think about the look on Uncle Dave's face as he stood in that doorway, watching me break down. Worrying about him is the last thing I need right now.

When I finally arrive at my room, I immediately head for the shower to rid myself of all the memories and feelings that have been swarming back to me since I stepped foot in this town. I had expected this to be difficult; of course, I did. But I don't think I realized just how painful it would really be, and I definitely wasn't prepared for it at all. I let the hot water pour down on me, reddening my skin as I scrub myself with more force than ever before, hoping to remove every last trace of today from my pores. I try to distract myself, to fill my thoughts with good memories of Gran, but my attempts are useless.

Maybe I shouldn't have come back.

Maybe I'm not strong enough to do this.

Just when I think I've had enough of tormenting myself for today and decide I'm better off simply sleeping the pain away, my phone rings. I can tell by the distinct ringtone that it's Theo, and the knot in my stomach only grows larger. I don't want to talk to him, not right now. I just want to crawl into bed and forget about the world for a few minutes and then possibly cry myself to sleep. Reluctantly, I answer the call anyway. "Theo," I say, my voice sounding scratchy, likely from all the sobbing I'd done earlier; I can't help but hope he doesn't notice.

"Do you miss me yet?" he asks, an almost pleading tone present in his voice. I admit that the question irks me far more than I would have thought possible. I can't help but feel like he expects me to feel guilty about our last interaction. It's like he's fishing for an apology, or maybe he even wants me to beg him to come back here or something. I roll my eyes at the thought; I'd absolutely never beg Theo for a single thing in this lifetime.

Unable to hide my annoyance at him, I honestly admit, "You were an ass, Theo." As the anger flares within me, I'm entirely uncaring about hurting his feelings with the truth at this moment. Lying to him would do no good for either of us, and I just can't find it within myself to be gentle right now or to pacify him with the pretty words I know he wants to hear. "I don't really miss that, no."

Theo sighs loudly into the phone at my response. "I'm sorry, Kate," he apologizes quietly, although I can't really decipher whether his words are genuine or not; it's much easier to read someone when they're standing before you. I feel appreciative that Theo didn't call me by that name I hate so much, but it doesn't change how upset with him I am in the slightest. "I should have been more understanding," he continues when I remain silent. "I shouldn't have made such a big deal about your name, especially considering everything you're going through right now."

I can't quite understand why Theo would think that repeating my own words back to me would somehow alleviate the tension between us. Honestly, it just infuriates me further; he probably should have thought about that before he freaked out at me and left. I rub the palm of my hand over my face, sighing quietly to myself, trying to figure out the best way to express my feelings at this moment. I'm at a loss for words, though; I don't even know where to begin this conversation.

Before I can give him a verbal response, Theo adds, "I miss you, Kate. When will you be home?"

"I'll be flying out Tuesday after the will-reading," I answer, unsure exactly what he's trying to achieve here. He already knew the plan before we even arrived in this crappy town.

"You can't come back sooner?" he asks, annoyance flaring in his voice. "I thought you'd follow me home, especially since you seem to hate everything about that place."

"I do hate it here, yes," I confess. "But I don't hate my grandma; I couldn't possibly. And even if I did, I don't think I would ever forgive myself for missing her funeral. Theo, you already knew the plan. Wake, funeral, will-reading, and then I'm finally free of this town forever." There's a short moment of silence before I whisper, "There's nothing else left for me here."

An annoyed groan escapes Theo, the sound harsh in my ear. "I know, but I miss you," he says, a whiny tinge to his voice that reminds me of a pouting toddler or something. "I was hoping you'd come home earlier, and we could make up."

Really, Theo? Sex is the last thing on my mind right now. "I can't just skip out on my grandmother's funeral, Theo," I tell him, failing to hide my anger at the ridiculous and wholly inappropriate suggestion.

"Okay, I get it. I'll just see you Tuesday then," he says quickly, sounding almost eager to get off the phone now. "Love you."

"Yeah. Bye, Theo."

I toss my phone on the bed before collapsing beside it, drawing in a few deep breaths. Theo and I have been together for nearly a year, and I've never once been able to tell him that I love him. Maybe it's a sign that we shouldn't be together, that he's not the right one for me. Or perhaps I'm incapable of love after everything that's happened in my past. I really don't know. But I guess I find some sort of comfort in not being alone. I know that's not a good reason to stay in a relationship; in fact, it's a terrible reason. I know I should let him go if I don't love him. I should let him find someone who loves him unconditionally, wholeheartedly, endlessly. It's what he, or anyone, deserves in life, really. I just... can't. I keep telling myself that I'll grow to love him someday, that those feelings take time, and that I'm just not quite there yet. And sometimes, I actually believe that. Most of the time, though, I understand that I should at least feel something for him by now. And it's not fair to keep stringing him along.

Maybe I really am a terrible person.

Ugh, I'll worry about Theo later.