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The journal entries

Here are my entries:

Sunday April 22, 2007
I find myself at a loss of my heart and myself.
I told myself that I would never get to this point ever again. It happened out of nowhere. I go from falling for this boy that I met at a lousy job (thinking nothing of him then) to falling for him. How could I let this happen? Though I guess you have to listen to your heart and what feels right. In this case I was wrong, way wrong. Things like this always happen to me. I'm numb to it now. Why, why, why me? In a way I do believe this is "GOD" doing things such as this just to make me stronger. But I already do believe I'm strong, we'll, enough. Ok, it could be Karma. But I'm nothing but good to people. I'm not a cheater. When I love, I LOVE. At this point in my life there is no getting over CD. He has a hold of my heart and won't give it back. I believe I've shared things with him that I've never shared with anyone else. I've been nothing but good to him. Therefor I believe I deserve him back! Is it good for us in the long run?
-Christine

Monday April 23,2007

The heart dies a slow death. Shedding each hole like leaves till there's nothing left. No hopes, no dreams, nothing. -Memoirs of a Geisha
People that are meant to be together always find their way in the end. From now on and forth, I will never open my heart again. The heart is a delicate thing and I've done nothing but abuse it.

Tuesday April 24, 2007

I need to let him go. I don't deserve this. I treated CD so well. Why is it the more I'm a bitch, the more they want me? Crazy.

Wednesday April 25, 2007

I'm over it!

Thursday April 26, 2007

It's weird. I think I'm actually starting to not have the same feelings for CD as I used to. I mean it's different to just say it. But I actually feel it. I look at him differently through pictures. But I haven't seen him in person. Part of me feels that it won't be much different.

Friday April 27, 2007

I still think about him. Healing takes time.

Saturday April 28, 2007

In my mind I'm constantly thinking of future scenarios with him. But what I need to do is obviously different that what my heart wants. I'm not feeling as weak for him as I did before. But I can't force my heart to heal so fast. It won't happen. Let's just see what happens. He turns eighteen on Tuesday, new age, new CD?

Sunday April 29, 2007

I think about him non intentionally now. I don't think he thinks about me like I do him. In order for him to think about me like I do, he would have to feel the same way, which I highly doubt. Once again, I need to stop. I need him out of sight and out of mind.
I find writing as an outlet. I can write anything without anyone judging me or telling me something I don't want to hear. I find my friends to be my rehabilitation, but there's only so much you can say to someone until they finally get annoyed. I don't know what it takes to finally get over this. If he came back to me, I don't know what to do. Feeling this weak is something I never want to feel again. I need to approach relationships calmly and rationally. I just don't understand why he keeps coming back into my mind. Is there a reason? Should he be there? I just don't want him to be there anymore. Honestly I think he was just another lie. Maybe the first conversation we ever had was him being real. But I just don't understand how this happens to someone, I just don't want to cheat my heart from the obvious. My face may still be on his page (MySpace days)... but it's nothing different from what he did to Lexi. She was probably straight up right in front till he eventually moved her to the heroes section and still remained friends. Well I don't want that. I won't want him teasing my expectations for him. I want to be there because he still wants me and wants me in his life. Once... I don't know. Maybe I really don't need him because in the end he probably is just going to hurt me again.