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Two lines

*TRIGGER WARNING* -Miscarriage

I finally left the man I was dating to occupy my time.
Meanwhile we were still seeing each other,
Let's go out and celebrate you breaking up with him, he said.
We gave ourselves freely and I finally felt truly
f r e e.
Fast forward just a month and I decide to go to Vegas with my best friend and her friends from college.
My period was due that day we were driving.
I remember feeling bloated, but I didn't realize I was late.
Heavy drinking and dancing left me feeling wiped out.
As I was home, I felt that it took days to recover.
At work, I felt lightheaded and realized, I was late.
A brisk walk across the street to buy some tests and I flung myself into the bathroom at work.
Test taken and to my disbelief, two lines appeared.
I was twenty one, pregnant for the first time in my life and was not in a relationship with the father of the baby.
That day I met up with him and almost didn't tell him.
We had been having a sweet moment and I knew once I told him, everything would change and things would get serious quickly.
We were sitting in his car when I told him.
I showed him a picture of the test on my phone and he was just in shock and got quiet for what felt like forever.
Several times I told him that I would leave, but he kept telling me to stay.
I felt so awkward and didn't know what to do.
Finally we left each other.
He hugged me and told me that we would figure it out.
At almost six weeks, my body released the baby growing and there flowed our creation of love into the toilet,
I was devastated and instantly cried and mourned the baby that wouldn't be, the future we wouldn't have.
"Are you feeling ok? "He texted.
"I'm bleeding, I lost it, you can breathe now"
I said.
My world was spinning out of control.
This was it, I was done fighting what or who was gently nudging into my heart.

I knew we were playing with fire.
It was just still a shock that it actually happened.
Down the road he had told me that he wished it was a girl and that we would have gotten married.
He didn't know the internal battle that was raging in me.

God was calling me.
Come to me.

But of course in typical Christine fashion, I can't just completely heal from something or someone first. I have to dive right in to another relationship before I know what I'm doing.

I was now working at AT&T at this point in backend operations. Very similar to what I was doing at Circuit City, but this included a lot more paperwork and a lot more responsibility.

A man named David worked there.
He knew that I was in a relationship at first so we kept things friendly.
But then when I broke up with "D", he jumped to the chance and asked me on a date.
Why did I say yes? I don't know.
I think I just wanted to be taken care of during my vulnerable time after leaving such a toxic environment.
If you're reading between the lines here, yes it was all kinds of messy between "M" and David.

"M" would take me back to my reckless life.
David was pointing me to Jesus.

I so desperately needed God's love.

David bought me my first Bible and ever paid attention to the details of getting me name engraved on it and adding tabs to the books.

The war raged in my heart.
Where do I go from here?