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We were a wildfire

"A tiny spark started a raging fire in us.
Inch by inch was conquered, an altar of worship.
Two magnets of attraction.
Droplets of water would try to douse us of our flames.
Rivets of heat expunged.
Only to find each other again and pick up where the fire roared again.
The water pleaded danger ahead.
But our flames grew larger and mightier.
Enough is enough the water said.
Then came the rain of eradication"
-Christine Hernandez

I fell hard for "M".
Outside of him, no one else mattered.
Our chemistry was electric and euphoric.
But from the beginning he had said that he did not want a girlfriend.
You would think after that confession I would have seen the red flags and stayed away.
But I couldn't. I needed him, always.
He was the first man that I didn't feel guarded with my body with.
Whatever he wanted, he could have.
We worshipped each other.
It was so hard for me to turn off my feelings for him.
Especially when we he would take me out places and it would feel like we were a true couple.
But I knew in the back of my mind that it wasn't reality.
Every time we were together I was able to shut out the world and just be with him.
There came a point where I knew that I had to put myself first and confess my true feelings for him.
Part of me knew what his answer would be but I hoped it wouldn't.
He had said that his answer hasn't changed and that was that.
We shared ourselves with each other one last time and I was on my way.

Saddened by my new loneliness and in a desperate attempt to mask the heartbreak of losing "M", I start talking to "D" that worked in the paint section at Home Depot where I was working at the time.
He was funny and had fun friends.
I was twenty at this point and just wanted to let loose, have fun and not make everything so serious.
I knew right away that the spark between him and I could never compare to what I had with "M".
So there I went complicating things again.
I would here and there text "M" saying "hello" and the fire burned again.
We would almost go to meeting up again but I would chicken out by meeting up with him because in my conscience I would think "I can't cheat on "D".
Oh but I wanted to.
The toxicity in this relationship with "D" was just too much.
His mom was a raging alcoholic. She drank like it was water and quickly become belligerent.
He had a substance abuse addiction that he was trying to stay away from but that coupled with money issues, opened up financial opportunities that he couldn't resist.
He knew someone who had pills he could sell and make money off of, but that shortly went south and ignited his addiction again.
He got sloppy and tried to hide it.
I knew he needed me. So that made me feel so awful to leave him.
So instead of leaving him, I pushed aside my conscience and fed my own desires.
I reached out to "M" and with no hesitation, we met up at the movie theater.
We couldn't even make it the entire movie before running to our car.
The need for each other was too great.
From there on out, anytime we were free and anywhere we met up with each other.
The terrible part of this was that he too had a girlfriend.
But we didn't care.
This went on for four months until I finally decided to break up with "D".
I was so happy to finally be rid of him. I felt so lost and damaged.
The only person that could make me feel better was "M".
So in celebration of my breakup, "M" took me out.
Which turned out to be the very start of something that forever changed my life.
You see, "M" was a Christian. Played his guitar on the stage( can you tell I have a "thing" for musicians?) for the church and had his Christian girlfriend.
I of course was his contradiction.
His best friend was getting close to me throughout the whole "relationship"and we would talk often so he invited me to their church one day.
Oh my gosh I was so nervous.
I thought I would bust into flames in there.
But I went anyway.
Partly because I knew I would see "M" there.
His friend introduced me to some people and to my surprise, they brought me all the way to the front row to sit with them during worship.
My heart was beating out of my chest and I had no idea what to do with myself and my hands.
But I stuck through it and stayed the whole time.
But quickly grabbed my purse and rushed out when it was over.
I didn't know then that God was planting a seed in me.
In more ways than one.