We've Met Before

4 - I Know What You Did Last Summer

KAIA

    There's nothing simple about waking up.
    I think I've been in a constant state of lethargy, that any sort of effort, or movement costs me my entire supply of energy for the day.
    The air is rich of breakfast, or some sort of fatty meat, like bacon, cooking on the stove.
    This is the part where my mom cooks a large apology breakfast for last night, while simultaneously not remembering anything that happened.
    I wonder if people with crippling alcohol addictions suffer from amnesia.
    I'll add it to my list of things I have to Google later.
    I creep up from my bed, my pillow dried from the tears I shed yesterday. I tiptoe down the hall and find my mother humming lushly in the kitchen. Her hands are whisking what seems to be some sort of batter, and the smell was indeed bacon.
    She turns around, finding me huddled around the corner of the hallway.
    "Good morning, Kaia," she smiles, her eyes wide.
    "Morning."
    "Honey, I'm so sorry for coming home so late last night! I hope you found yourself dinner love." She pouts, still keeping the slightest of glimmer on her face.
I made sure not to eat anything before the crepe, and most especially after. "Yes, I made myself some," I pause for a second, "Tuna salad."
    "Oh, well that's great! Bacon?"
You've gained weight, "Yes, please." I grin.
——
She sets the plate in front of me, and I eye it.
It's screeching at me, taunting me with every single protein, and every single carb, and every single calorie.
I managed to avoid this feeling when I was around Jane, Jennifer, and Gabby. Maybe I was too distracted.
You're just a liar who thinks she has problems.
Grow up.
I fork the bacon around for a few seconds, until finally calling placing a piece inside my mouth.
It tastes so good.
I keep going, reminding myself with every bite that there's nothing wrong with food, there is nothing wrong with sustenance.
I finish. I pick up my plate, and carry it to the dishwasher.
I make my way towards my mom, who's sitting leisurely on the couch, watching what seems to be Jersey Shore.
"Cade is coming over at three," I mutter.
"Steele? I was just talking to his mom yesterday, poor woman."
Poor? "What happened?"
"Her husband is very sick. She's been in and out the hospital for the last week or so to check on him. How's Cade doing? He hasn't come over since last summer."
I inhale, "He's been busy. Football scouts and what-not," I explain. It'd be the death of me if she pressed for more information.
"Oh, okay."
    I nod and walk back into my room.
    I pull out my cellphone and dial Dahlia's number. The phone rings a couple of times before an out of breath Dahlia picks up. I let out a snort. What is she doing?
    "Kaia! Yes— Hello!" She breathes.
    "Uh, hello? Are you okay?"
    "Okay? Yes, yes, I am okay? How are you?" I can hear rustling in the back, and then it hits me.
    "Dahlia Sanchez, are you with a guy right now?" I exclaim, clutching at my pillow.
    "What?! No! I'm—"
    "Holy shit who is he? Dahlia, respond now."
    "No," she commands, "Anyways, what we're you calling for?"
    I laugh. She's so obviously flustered right now.
    "Cade is coming over this afternoon," I mumble into the phone. There's silence on the other end of the line.
"Seriously? You just, like, said yes?"
I groan, "Well, I argued for a bit, and then said yes!" Very impressive if I do say so myself.
"Just be careful, Kaia. Promise me you'll be careful." She breathes. I feel her worry through the phone, and I feel it too.
Maybe, I'm getting too comfortable too quickly. I think I've been so desperate to just talk to him that I've fallen into this hole faster than I ever thought I would. I wonder if he feels this anxiousness too, this buildup of butterflies... no, spiders, just crawling around, gnawing their way at all the butterflies that did exist at some point.
Don't lose your head, it's just a study session idiot.
Do you seriously thinks he's going to give you some long apology? An admission of guilt? He's just using you for academic purposes, it's the only thing you're good at.
You aren't even good at that either.
You're just a huge joke.
"I'll be careful, I promise."
Her silence is deafening, until she speaks up again, "Okay, I trust you. Don't have too much fun without me!"
"It's impossible to have fun with Cade. Love you."
"Bye, love you Kai!"
I click the red button and sit down on the carpeted floors. To do or not to-do.
——
2:56
    Tick, tick, tick.
    Maybe, I shouldn't be standing next to the door?
    Maybe, I should stop asking myself so many question. Really messes with my head sometimes.
    "Oh! Hey Cade, long time no see!" I pause for a few seconds before groaning, "That sounds so stupid! I can't say that."
    I face the wall again, "Cade! What are you doing here... oh?... we were meeting today to study?... I must've forgot because this is obviously not important to me whatsoever, and it's not the thing I've been thinking about the entire morning!"
    Like clockwork, I hear a knock at the door.
3:00, damn it for him being so punctual.
    I breathe in, inhale as much air as I possibly take.
    I turn the knob, and open the door.
    All air leaves me lungs as he stands there, just as I always see him, except he's... brighter, somehow.
    He's dressed in grey sweatpants and a blue hoodie, with his floppy blonde hair delegating messily on his head. His blue eyes gleam with uncertainty, maybe a bit of amusement.
    And his smile, god his smile.
    He stands here now, and I'm reminded of all the reasons why he's so different to me, why something as simple as childhood friendship didn't work out between us.
    He flickers one of his jaw-dropping smirks on me, and I try my best to keep composure.
    "Cade." I say, looking at everything but him.
Wow, the flowers really need some watering.
    "Kaia, so uh," he stands awkwardly at the door.
    "Oh, of course. Come in. My mom is in the living room so we'll probably just study in the office." I say, leading him indoors.
    I flutter to the office, avoiding any unneeded time passing by the living room. Too bad Cade had other plans.
    "Mrs. Anna!" He says, bundling my mother in a sudden hug. She smiles, something she doesn't do often when I'm around.
    "You haven't come to visit me in a while Cade. How's your dad?" She asks as he sits down.
    He looks at me. His lips part and he seems like he's about to say something, and then he just shuts off.
    "He's okay, we're okay."
    "Tell me if you ever need anything, the doors of my home are always open. Kaia and I are always happy to have you."
I don't think he'd be happy to be here, even if I were to be.
    I smile, a smile that doesn't reach my eyes.
    "Thank you, I will," He's staring at me, "I have some english to learn, Kaia is a great teacher."
    My mother ruffles his hair and seems to bathe in the sunlight he walks with. He gets up and follows me into the study.
I sit down in the office chair, and he sits across the desk from me. I open the drawer and take out my copy of The Bell Jar.
"What do you remember from last time?" I ask, staring between all the pages.
Don't look directly at him.
He's like Medusa. One look and you turn into stone. Maybe not stone, but like melted ice.
"Well, you had just finished explaining about her getting poisoned or something."
"Not necessarily getting poisoned, but she does get food poisoning, completely accidental. What are your thoughts on Buddy so far?" I finally peer above the paper, catching a peek of his blue eyes.
He's leaned back against the chair, a hand on his chin, watching me intently. I feel scrutinized. I want to figure out what's going through his head.
He hates you, and he hates the fact he's here with you.
"He sounds a bit like an idiot no?" he smiles.
"Remind you of anyone? Blistering ego, with a side of idiocy." I say, glaring at the pages.
He sets a hand on his heart, "You wound me."
I roll my eyes.
I can't believe I'm doing any of this. I should walk into Mrs. Commanders room tomorrow and tell her I'm quitting. I can't do this, not with him.
I hear the doorbell ring, and I immediately jump up, relieved.
I open the door and Gabby stands there, staring at me in disbelief, or maybe not me. I turn around and realize she's staring at Cade. She's gone pale, and she can't seem to say a word.
Cade swallows, stuffing his hands inside his pockets — a nervous habit he's had since we were kids.
"Gabby, did you come to hang out? I'm a little busy right now but you can join us if you want. We aren't doing anything fun, I just promised my english teacher that I'd tutor him. We aren't hanging out or anything, of course not." I stutter.
She probably thinks we're doing something else, especially because I've been so keen on not telling them anything about any of this.
"Oh, if you don't mind I would like to stay," She bites her lip nervously, "I'm bored, and have nothing better to do."
I feel Cade shift uncomfortably behind me, I turn around to gauge his reaction. He's become a blank sheet of paper, rustling under my gaze like he's been caught red-handed.
"Um, yes, come in." I say.
She takes cautious steps forward across the house, following Cade and I the office again. She finds a nook next to the windowsill and sits.
I open the book once again, and this time, I tip my black glasses on my face. I hear a sharp intake of breath, and I look at Cade who has the most unbearable look on his face.
"Are you okay?" I ask.
He mumbles an incoherent 'yes' and I keep talking about the book. He seems to grow more relaxed as I continue talking, delving into the book more and more as I explain it.
Gabby sits on her phone, glancing a few times at Cade and I.
I feel content, I think.
There's a softness in the way he looks at me. Our recent interactions have made him seem so gentle. I can't help but think all of this is is a larger ploy, a weird way to shove this summer in my face.
"Is there anything you don't understand?"
"No, I think most of the book is engraved in my mind now," He breathes, "I don't know why I couldn't understand the book in the first place, it's easier when you explain it."
Gabby's voice pipes up, "She's such a good teacher isn't she?" She smiles.
Cade's eyes narrow at her, his fingers digging into the wood of the chair he's sitting in.
"Well, my job here is done. I don't know what else Mrs. Commander wanted me to help you with, but I assume it's only this," I pull back against the chair, standing up and crossing my arms at my chest, "I'll see you out now."
"Actually," he pauses, and looks towards Gabby, "I wanted to talk to you, alone."
All I ever want to do is talk to you. "Cade, I'm not sure that's a great idea."
He closes his eyes, and he seems pained and troubled. I don't like it when he's pained and troubled. He extends his hands towards my shoulders, tugging lightly at the fabric of my sweatshirt. It almost seems like he's savoring the feeling of me, like he's caressing the thought of me being in front of him.
"Fine." I whisper, and I walk away towards the hall. "What do you want to talk about?"
"Kaia, I'm sorry." He leans against the wall as I stand in front of him. Even when he's leaning, he manages to be inches taller than me.
"Okay," I say, looking at the floor.
He lifts a hand to my chin, lifting my head to look at him.
"It's not okay, it never was okay. Kaia, please don't push me away."
I shove his hand off me, suddenly feeling disgusted with his touch. His touch doesn't feel good, it doesn't feel genuine, not after what he did. I've had withdrawals of his touch all year, of his skin grazing mine, yet I can't help but to think about how it wasn't real. None of it was.
"Maybe you should've thought about how not okay it was during the summer. I helped you because it was expected of me," because you wanted to, "I owe you nothing, and I've come to terms with the fact that you don't owe me anything either. Leave all of this at that," I spit, feeling bile rise up my throat.
Gabby enters the hall, creeping against the door frame. "I have to go, my mom is calling."
I force a smile, shaking my head, "I'm so sorry we didn't do anything. Come back next weekend or something."
"It's fine, but I'll take you up on that offer. Bye Kaia," she stares at Cade, before silently retreating out the door.
I turn back to Cade, analyzing him.
I bring a hand to his face, the pads of my fingers brushing against his jawline. He's Apollo in all his godly glory.
Snap out of it.
I drop my hand, and I pinch my eyes shut.
"You should go." It slips off my tongue like vomit.
He stands straight, looking at me with hood, until finally turning on his heel and walking through the door. Silently.