We've Met Before

30 - Kinky

KAIA

    Maybe I'll end up homeless and alone.
    Well, not alone.
    I'm sure Cade would take me in when he becomes some big football player.
    Sleeping Cade rests beside me, his head on my shoulder as he snores quietly against the TV noise. We fought for twenty minutes about what we were going to watch.
    I insisted I wanted a rom-com, while he wanted to watch football, and now we're watching The Tooth Fairy.
    He's been stressed lately. Ever since his dad was hospitalized he's been running around the city trying to fix every single problem he believes will encounter. He's stocked the fridge like twenty times in the last two weeks, and the house has been absolutely spotless.
    I would stop him, and tell him to not worry— but I think it puts his mind at ease to do things like that.
Selfish?
    If only Cade knew how selfless he is.
    I help around the most I can. I cook dinner whenever he's late, or I'll receive random calls of him asking if he left the sink on— or if he left the front door locked, or if he made sure to leave the chicken out on the counter— and I'll just respond with:
    "Yes, love, you're doing great."
    He'll sigh into the phone and hang up.
    My phone rings and Cade stirs awake slowly, scuffing his nose against the skin on my neck.
"Shhh, go back to sleep," I muse. He's been tossing and turning in bed at night, and it's been driving me insane. I need him to rest.
He groans and encloses me tight against him. I bring my phone to my ear and answer.
"What's up?"
"How do you feel? We haven't talked in forever?!" Dahlia shouts from the other side of the line, loud music playing in the back. I jerk back from the noise.
"Holy crap. Where are you? It's a Tuesday night, Lia."
She laughs. "Jake was invited to some party by one of his teammates so here I am! Playing as arm candy for the night! I was just thinking about you and decided to call you."
I smile and keep talking. "I'm doing well." I take a glance at Cade, now back asleep, beside me. "Things are going smooth."
"I'm so happy for you, Kaia. Really. Tell fuck face that we won't be needing Operation Spaghetti anymore."
I crease my eyebrows. "Operation what?"
"He'll know what I mean." Her response is so vague and it leaves me to wonder what he hasn't told me.
My chest constricts slightly at the idea of him keeping things from me, especially after everything that's happened in the last few months.
"I'll ask for sure... Anyways, guess what?"
I squeal rings through the line and I have to jerk back once again. Jesus Christ how does she have this much energy? "What? What, Kaia?!"
"Want to do me an honor and come prom dress shopping with me?" Cade lifts his head up, smiling slightly as he kisses me cheek and bashfully digs his head back inside my neck.
He's such a child sometimes.
I've come to terms with the fact that Cade and I both didn't have much time to live our lives as kids, or teens either. We've always had responsibilities bigger than life, but I like to think that we're a small refuge from all of that for each other.
I know he is for me.
There's not a place where I feel more seventeen than beside him.
"Yes! Yes! Of course! A million times yes!"
"I asked you if you wanted to go shopping not if you wanted to get married," I deadpan.
She laughs. "Mm, I wouldn't say no if you had."
I roll my eyes giggling. "I'll call you when I'm free! I have to go but I love you for calling."
"I love you for existing. Bye, Kaia."
    The call ends and I lean against the pillows of the couch. Cade grumbles something but I can't make anything out of it.
    "Hm?"
    He shifts up again. "Do you want to go get dinner? I don't think my mom has had anything to eat, and she hasn't gotten up since I put her to bed on Thursday."
Thursday seems so far away now that it's Tuesday of next week. It feels like 5 years not 5 days. I wonder how slow time is going for her. I stare at Cade and see all the things I couldn't bare losing. I can't imagine seeing him against a hospital bed, or seeing him sick, or seeing him hurt beyond his own stupidity.
I see Mrs. Steele watching her sick husband die in front of her, and I can imagine every season passing at once, and the sun itself falling out of the sky. I can imagine the moon flittering out of the sky, and the stars aiming to never appear again.
"Yes. Let's go."
——
We make it to Ottie's, and Cade falls out of his Jeep, running to open my door. I hop out as he holds my waist to stabilize me to the ground. My stomach and breath squeezes at the feeling, my head flipping in girlish excitement.
    I'll never get bored of him.
    He opens the entrance to the diner and saunters me in. I glance around absentmindedly, not looking for anything in particular.
    But boy do I receive it.
    Dean and Jane sit in the corner booth, their space dimmed slightly by both the evening sky, and the dark lighting at this hour. She's smiling, and she even seems less sarcastically excited. She seems genuinely excited.
    "That son of a bitch." Cade breathes out, chuckling to himself as he sees his friend with my own.
    I pull Cade around, making sure they don't see our faces yet.
    "Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Steele?" I whisper.
    "I always am Mrs. Steele."
    I nod and we both put our hoodies up, crossing our arms and walking over to the booth beside them. We make sure to sit so our backs face them. Totally inconspicuous.
    Just a pair of cold people walking into Ottie's.
    "You should've told me you had practice today, baby," Jane coos. Shuffling occurs and I can sense that she's moved to his side of the booth.
    A waitress comes over to our table, her eyes devouring Cade alive.
    I smile bitterly, whispering, "We're a little busy."
    She gapes for a few seconds before turning on her heel and leaving.
    "Jane, don't worry about it. I'll come to this place anytime you call me, girl." Dean's voice is slick, and smooth. A true player.
    Cade's better at the whole Casanova thing, but I'd rather him not be. At least not with other girls.
    A smooch falls against somebody's cheek and I internally cringe. I'm so making fun of Jane when I get out of here.
    "Are your muscles sore? We can always oil them up a bit and—"
    Before Jane can finish, Cade snickers. A loud, mocking, mortifying snicker. I elbow him against the ribs and he immediately winces.
    "Ow!"
    I place a finger on my lips as I hear shifting behind us once again.
    "Cade?" Dean speaks first.
    "Kaia?" Jane follows.
    I shut my eyes, a sudden urge to strangle Cade for not being able to keep his beautiful, gorgeous mouth up.
    I turn around slowly, lowering my hood. Cade does the same, draping an arm around my shoulder.
    "Hey...! Funny seeing you here! Long night eh?"
    Jane looks unimpressed, her eyes narrowing down at the both of us. She looks between Dean, and then Cade and I, frowning.
    "How much of that did you hear?"
    "Not muc-"
    Cade slaps Dean on the arm. "You kinky motherfucker!"
    Dean launches out of his booth, Cade immediately standing up and running out from beside me and out the door. He laughs like a kid, being chased by his best friend. Dean lunges a couple times at his torso, never managing to be fast enough to topple Cade.
    They begin to attract looks from the few families, teens, and elderly couples in the diner, but not necessarily bad ones.
    They have the sort of looks you give whenever toddlers say something really stupid, but it's okay because they're toddlers.
    Cade finally slows down, his chest heaving as he clutches it with his hands. He doesn't run anymore, barely managing a jog.
    Is he okay?
    Dean tumbles on top of him. "I'm not kinky, dick."
    Cade raises his hands above his head, looking like he got arrested. "Look man, I don't judge." His face wears a shit face grin as he stares at me, raising his eyebrows in accusation.
    My face flames red, and I have no option but to stare down at my lap.
    Dean rolls his eyes and stands up, offering his hand to Cade. Cade takes it, and they both head over to the booth where Jane was sitting. Cade gestures me over and I follow, sitting beside him with my hands tugged inside the sleeves of my hoodie.
We sit opposite of the couple, both of us flushed and flustered from being caught snooping.
"Sooo..."
Jane frowns, and looks at Dean, and back at us. "What are you doing here?"
    Cade leans towards me, his voice only audible to me. "Holy shit, should we fucking run or what, sunshine."
    I glare him down and he retracts, smiling shyly.
    "We we're just coming to pick up dinner, and we just happened to see you two lovebirds." I make a twinkling gesture with my hands and they both just stare at me. "Or not."
    Dean takes a drink of his milkshake, the froth leaving a thin white line against his upper lip. Cade can't help but snicker, again.
    "What now?"
    "You have milk all over your face, dick face," Cade sneers, pointing to his own lip. Dean wipes his face and turns to Jane.
    "You see what I have to fucking deal with?"
    Jane chuckles. "Stop being such a big fucking baby."
    Their dynamic is so strange to me. Especially because Jane doesn't do relationships. She's a lot like Dahlia in that senses, especially because of how closed off both of them can be.
    Jane has spent so long in her sister's shadow that I've always thought she'd never be given the light of day. It's funny seeing her with Cade Steele's best friend. Nothing says spotlight like Cade Steele's best friend.
    There's a first for everything though right?
    "You look good," Jane smiles, her dark blonde hair fluttering against her tan skin. Her eyes are sunken in, and her lips seems sort of tired, and I know it's because of Jennifer.
    "I am good," I smile back. "Have you talked to her?"
    Jane's smile falters for a couple seconds. "No, I haven't. I don't think she wants to talk to me, and I'm not going to force her to either. We drive home every afternoon in complete silence, and she's been taking rides from some of her other friends on occasion."
    I want to reach across the table and hug Jane, to squeeze the life out of her until she feels anew and we can all pretend like Jennifer isn't throwing the biggest tantrum of her fucking life.
    "I'm going to go order. My mom's waiting at home, so it's probably best we hurry a bit." His voice is soft, and I know he's not trying to rush me, but he's right. His mom is at home.
    I stand up, my palms flat against the table. "I'll talk to her. She's just having a mood."
    Jane sighs, staring at her hands. Dean wraps an arm around her, concern etched all over his face. "I don't know, Kaia. I just really miss her, you know?"
    "I know, Jane. It's not your fault, and you aren't wrong for doing what you did. Thank you. Thank you for what you're doing for me."
    Across the map I think of everyone who's built me up these last couple of months, and besides Dahlia and Kaitlyn, Jane is a close second.
    She smiles, looking at Dean for reassurance. He nods quietly, all the love in the world in his eyes, his face understanding exactly what she needs, and as if medicine (or magic), she relaxes.
    "You're welcome."
——
The car ride back home is silent, and Cade doesn't say much. He ordered a cheeseburger for his mom, and a side of fries. I don't think she'll eat it, but I know that she has a knack of pretending to eat for Cade's sake. I wonder sometimes where Cade got his personality from, and every time I see his mom, — I see him.
They both do stupid things for the people they love.
They both fuck up, and hurt themselves, and hurt the people around them in the name of a fortunate end.
Cade stands in front of the door to our home, his hands grasping the brown paper bag from Ottie's. He takes shallow breaths as he stares at the glass paneling of the door, every breath making his fingers enclose around the bag harsher and harsher.
I place my hand on his shoulder, feeling very muscle tense underneath his sweatshirt. I just want to take the beach we spent our summer in and wash his worries away with the salt water, let the salty crust on his skin brittle away every insecurity, and worry his body might have.
I want him to feel as loved as I know he is.
"C'mon, let's go inside, love."
He doesn't turn to face me.
I can't lose him to all of this. Not after I've toiled through hell and back for him.
"I know how hard it can be—"
"No. You fucking don't, Kaia," he snaps, not bothering to turn his head towards me. "What are you even doing next to me right now? After all the times I've fucked up with you?"
His sudden outburst startled me, making me take a couple of steps back in shock.
He chuckles, finally turning around. "See? You're fucking scared of me."
I shake my head, trying my best to muster a smile I don't think I can afford to own. "Cade, we should go inside. You're just overwhelmed right now."
He takes a step towards me, taunting me, but I'm not scared. Not of Cade.
"Is this what you think this is? Some kind of emotional breakdown?" He swings his hands wildly, the smile on his lips never faltering.
"You know what, I do think it is just an emotional fucking breakdown, Cade. You're being an asshole because doing dumb shit when you're mad is just who you are. Open the door, and let's go inside," I shout, pointing my finger at him and then the door.
    He doesn't budge, the smile falling from his lips. "Why would you ever want to be with someone like that?! Somebody who can be so fucking cruel and mean whenever they're upset. Life isn't a fucking walk in the park, Kaia." His voice is strained but it's still as angry as ever. "What are you going to do when I go too far? Leave while you can." The last sentence feels like a bucket of cold water.
    "No, I'm not going to fucking leave. Turn. Around. Open. The. Door." I try to respond with as much as confidence as he has when he talks. I try to ignore the shaking in my voice.
He sighs, staring down at his shoes. "You'd be happier if you left."
"You don't know anything about my happiness, or what causes it. Open the door, Cade." He unlocks the door and opens it, stepping inside without bothering to look back at me.
He sets the brown bag on the counter, taking out his mom's order and walking down the hall. The dark encompasses his body, shadowing every inch of his white t-shirt until nothing is viable except his bold silhouette.
I swallow down every inch of desperation coursing through my body. What's wrong with him? He was fine at the diner. He was playful, happy, quiet.
I open the backyard door, heading towards the garden. The wind whistles a tune in my ear, wrapping itself around me like a blanket that's too heavy. I think back to a couple months ago, when I loved being alone. I still do, but it's different now.
The silence feels too daunting. I've become so used to his noise that I can't seem to unattach myself from it.
I've never been more lonely in my life, yet I've never been more liberated or happy than right now.
Then why isn't he?
Am I doing something wrong?
Am I missing something?
A couple of minutes go by and the patio door opens, with a sullen Cade creeping from underneath the night sky. His head is dropped, and his hands are tucked into the pocket of his pants. He simmers beside me, standing quietly without so much as a breath leaving his lips.
"You can breathe, you know," I mumble. He tenses and just places his head on my shoulder, exhaling.
"M'sorry," he murmurs against my shoulders. He seems so small, so little, so confused. He sneaks his hand around my waist, huddling me closer as he breathes me in. The feeling is heavenly and I can't help but close my eyes.
I bring my own hand around his torso, both of us standing silently, watching the stagnant flowers in front of us. They're a little dry, and they probably need some more water. Cade's mom probably hasn't had much energy to tend to them, but I'll make sure to water them for the last few weeks of school, and during the summer.
    Summer.
"Why did you want me to leave so badly?" I ask, feeling a little afraid of the answer.
He breathes out. "I don't know what I want. I'm in a mess of things, and feelings, and the only thing I know for certain is that I want... need... is you. I'm going to fuck you up, Sunshine, and I don't want anything to hurt you, or touch you, or look at you."
    I turn to look at him, fisting his shirt in between my hands. His light eyes cloud, and his blonde hair rustles against the light wind, and God, he looks gorgeous. "I'm along for the ride, always." I bring my fingers to move his hair out of his forehead. "I'll always find you, Cade Steele, even if it means I'll go through hell and back for it."
    Cade smiles sadly, bringing a hand to my face. "I'd let everyone around us burn in hell if it meant you'd never get burned." He closes in on me, wrapping his lips against my own, and gripping onto my waist with such fervor that I feel myself melt into him. He takes my teeth between his lips, inching his canines into my skin. I yelp and laugh. I laugh because this is all I could ever want, and I laugh because I love being loved. I laugh because I love loving. I laugh because I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, and I doubt Cade knows either, but I laugh because although puzzle pieces are missing,
the puzzle has never seemed more complete.