A MERRY MAFIA CHRISTMAS (GxG)

XL

My Christmas List: December 17th
Make this bad habit go away.

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If I thought I had cried terribly before, oh this definitely took the cake. My tears were constantly flowing, my vision blurred even as I blinked the wetness away.

My chest ached and heaved up and down as I kicked the stiletto boots off, stumbling over to my nightstand.

I can't hold the urge back anymore. It's seriously about to swallow me whole.

My thoughts were so back and forth over the decision.

I had made progress—I hadn't burned in a few days. I could stop once and for all.

But then there were the other thoughts.

The ones that said, why even try at all? Do you actually think you can go the rest of your life without it?

And with how weak I was, the urge and the terrible thoughts took over.

I shook my head, holding my hand over my open mouth as I sobbed.

"I don't want to," I said, my voice muffled as I stared down at the lighter.

I meant it too. I didn't want to.

With that, I threw the lighter across the room but instantly yearned for it again.

Why are you fighting it? You could feel good again. You could forget how badly Millicent disrespected you at dinner.

I clenched every muscle in my body, irritated that Millicent did that to me and that she only kept doing that to me.

Why? What did I do that was so terrible?

I love her... and she hates me.

I sobbed harder into my hand as I stood from the bed, there was no use in fighting it. I knew burning was the only way out of this.

For all I knew, Millicent was still talking about me with Armani's family at this very moment. Spewing hateful things about me.

I fell to my knees, reaching for the BIC lighter that previously fell on the floor. My tears grew thicker as I leaned against the end of my bed, my warm legs spread out on the marble floors.

My bottom lip trembled as turned my legs outward, exposing the scarred skin covering my inner thighs.

My cries were barely audible as I flicked the lighter on, and with the mere flick of it, my emotions seemed to fade. Even if all I wanted to do was cry, I suddenly felt... nothing.

Like my body instantly processed the numbing feeling that I was about to experience. That the pain was about to go away.

I lowered the lighter, holding it by my thigh as I stared down at the flame.

"Miracle," I heard an echoey voice call, but I was entirely focused on making it go away. Making the pain fade.

I knew that the voice was a mere figment of my imagination–of the other half of my thoughts that didn't want me to burn.

I leaned the lighter toward the skin, causing the voice to yell out, "Miracle!"

In my head, I went to count, but just as I got to one, the lighter was pushed out of my hand and flung across the floor.

It's like a flip had switched, and I was forcefully dragged back to reality. My eyes darted up to see a concerned Armani kneeling by me—No. No.