Sounds of the Prairie

Chapter 9 Essie

If marriage was always like this, I would never have another unhappy day in my life. Our wedding night had been the most immeasurable night of my life. It gave me exactly what I had dreamed of when my family had first come over this way. The opportunity for a different life all my own and of choices which were my choosing. Yet as we moved forward, riding out of town and continuing our journey, I couldn't help but miss them. I longed for my parents and Nicholas to celebrate in this part of my life with me. Ma could've helped plait my hair but instead I wore it long since she had always been better at braiding then I was. Where her hands made intricate, perfectly spaced plaits, mine always looked chunky and unevenly done. Pa could've given me away but instead I was robbed of that beautiful moment that we might have had and walked alone just holding my bouquet. Nicholas, oh Nicholas, when they took my little brother, they might as well have taken half of my soul. My soul, which was being torn between being happy and sorrow of who was not by my side. Joe rode up next to me and quietly stated, "Not telling you what to do but typically brides smile. Not mean mug the ground."

Till he said something I hadn't realized I wasn't, my cheeks hurting from smiling so much yesterday.

"Want to tell me what is bothering you?"

I caught Colorado smiling before riding ahead and scouting out the area. I did my best to change my demeanor so he wouldn't worry because that was the last thing I wanted. This should've been the happiest time in my life, in our lives, but I couldn't understand why I kept getting pulled towards sorrow. Joe sighed and pulled his hat snug down on his head about to ride forward until I blurted, "I feel guilt for being happy, guilt for even surviving, how am I supposed to be happy with that hanging over me?"

He sighed, "Wedding bring this on, did it?"

"Only some of it, mostly me finally feeling happy."

"How do you think that would make your family feel?"

I pulled Millie to a stop and she submissively obeyed while Joe made his horse do the same.

"What do you mean Joe?"

"If your family were still with us, even with them being gone, you think they'd want you to be dead with them? Or go on living your life?"

He raised one of his eyebrows in a quizzical look but did not wait for me to answer before he started riding again just before Colorado came up next to me.

"Trail ahead is good and clear." Colorado told me but I must have had a strange look plastered to my face because he asked me what was wrong while he looked between Joe and I.

"Just had an interesting conversation with Joe is all."

"Hmm," He said while reaching over to hold my hand, stealing it off my saddle, "You want to tell me about it wife?"

The more he called me wife the more I felt my sour mood dissipate like a spring rain in the afternoon sun.

"Since you are so nosey, fine. Guilt. We talked about my guilt."

His hand gave mine a firm squeeze, "Joes or yours?"

"Joe has guilt?" I was surprised. My assumption of Joe was that he was a righteous and admirable man, I could not imagine him having done anything to be guilty of but Colorado surprised me by saying, "If you are a man, and a good one at that, you always carry guilt. Doesn't matter if you need to or not."

"Do you have guilt husband?"

Just like me, he smiled at the new title if only slightly, "Of course I do. You can't do what I do and walk away from it clean."

Just as I felt with Joe, I felt the same with Colorado, only with him I turned my mind to what he did for a living, thinking how he had talked to me of killing men. The pain that caused and how it weighed on the soul. "Maybe that is what makes you such a good man."