Xalia Squalor; because sometimes being in is not enough

Losing the Faith

"Will the defendant state his name?" Klaus asks. Olaf smirks, "Count Olaf."
"Occupation?" Violet asks.
"Impresario," Olaf rolls his eyes. Violet turns to look at me briefly, before continuing, "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?"
"I have never told a lie in my life," Olaf says.
"That's a lie," Klaus argues. I bury my face in my hands, and Olaf continues, "I have always been honest about my desires, orphans. You, maimed or dead, and your fortune in my rarely washed hands. That's more than the rest of these people can say."
Violet scoffs, "These people are here to help us."
"Help you?" Olaf asks, "I see a banker who cares more about a promotion than three orphans, I see a man who was too afraid to protect you, and a woman who values paperwork over people's lives. I see a vice principle who was more than happy to let me into his school, as long as I stroked his ego. I see rich people who only cared about you because you were in, and villagers who only took you in to do their chores. I see volunteers, whose complicated codes and pretentious literary references are useless against the real treacheries of the world. And presiding over them all? A justice so blind she let me marry you. These so called decent people have done more to help my schemes than any of my associates. They should be up here right now."
Klaus protests, "They aren't. You are."
"Yes," Olaf agrees, "But you're up here too, Baudelaires. Tell me, on Mount Fraught, what despicable act did you perform to rescue your sister?"
Violet whispers, "We held Esme-"
"Louder?"
"We held Esme Squalor hostage-"
"And when you needed to reach the VFD headquarters on the Mortmain Mountains," Olaf says, "What did you help me do?"
Klaus mutters, "Burn down Caligari Carnival, but-"
Olaf stops him. He says, "Let's hear from some witnesses. You! Who caused the terrible accidents at Lucky Smells Lumbermill?"
"Klaus-"
"You! Who stole Hal's keys and broke into the library at Heimlich Hospital?"
"Violet-"
"And you in the crow hat. After the Baudelaires were accused of murder in the Village of Fowl Devotees, did they accept their punishment?"
"That baby busted them out of jail."
Olaf looks at the Baudelaires, and says, "And I don't need to ask you who shot Dewey Denouement for I was there. It was Violet, Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire, with the harpoon gun. Let me remind you, you're under oath."
Klaus whispers, "It's not the whole truth. You're manipulating the fact."
"So are you," Olaf stands up, "You're not the innocent orphans you've let everyone think you are. You have lied. You have stolen. You have abandoned people. You have set fires. Time and time again, you've done awful things. Here is the real truth nobody is willing to tell you. There are no noble people in the world."
"Our parents," Violet snaps. Olaf pauses, and says, "I see your parents never told you about the night at the opera and that box of poisoned darts. I call Esme Squalor to the stand."

"Name?" Olaf asks.
"Esme Gigi Geniveve Squalor," Mum snaps.
"Occupation?"
"Stunningly single and loving it. Fabulously rich. Insanely attractive. City's fourth most important financial advisor or something."
Olaf rolls his eyes, and I watch as Carmelita walks round handing out sausages. I walk over to Mum, and ask, "May I ask questions?"
Justice Strauss can't see reason not to, so I ask, "Mum, ever since I can remember, you've been obsessed with a stolen sugar bowl. We want to know why."
"I thought you'd never ask," Mum scoffs, "We were at the opera, and Beatrice was talking about morality."

"It's wrong," Beatrice sighs, "Something so valuable shouldn't be in the hands of one person."
Esme says, "Darling, you can trust me to keep it safe. I am rich, and beautiful."
Beatrice looks into the audience, and whispers, "There are traitors within VFD who do not want to put out fires at all. A certain man with a beard but no hair, and a certain woman with hair but no beard. They think fires can solve any issue in the world. What if they get their hands on Gregory Antwhistles research? Or what if they recruit a volunteer who feels lost and vunerable enough to join them? We could be looking at a schism. You want a family one day. I do, too. Don't you want to raise your children in a safer world? This sugar bowl is our only hope. It can save lives."
"It completes my tea set," Esme hisses. She moves to sit next to Lemony, who has been sat, not really listening, but listening enough that he knows what has happened. He moves back to sit with Beatrice, and sighs, "There's only one thing to do."
"It's a wicked thing."
"For a noble reason," Lemony argues, "What choice do we have?"
Beatrice's eyes are heavy in thought, before she finally sighs in defeat. Lemony hands Esme a spyglass, and begins helping Beatrice out the room. Esme suddenly spits her tea out, reaching for sugar. There's no bowl. She runs out the room, screaming for Beatrice. Once out the room, she steadily throws a dart. It narrowly misses both Lemony and Beatrice, who scoffs, "Was that a poison dart?"
"It's the seasons innest weapon," Esme shrugs, "One of my admirers smuggled it to me during intermission."
"So did one of mine," Beatrice says, holding a dart. There's a bit of arguing, before Beatrice sighs reluctantly. Lemony holds up another dart, and Olaf and Kit run into the lobby. Kit begs, "We are all friends here. Can we please have a quiet, radical discussion?"
"Friends don't steal sugar bowls."
A man, Olaf's father steps out from a door, and falls to the floor. He tumbles down the stairs, due to one small thing. A poison dart. Lemony and Beatrice hardly make it out the theatre. The theft led to a murder, which led to a schism, which led to two retracted marriage proposals, and a series of arsons. Friends became enemies, children became orphans, and all because of-

A large coughing fit breaks out in the audience, and I groan. Carmelita.