MATEO || bxb

- 6 -

| Camden|

Last summer I had been seeing someone before that terrible night happened. He was fairly attractive, and I always had a good time with him. We could have a laugh about anything, and he was always ready and willing to get intimate and it had been fun. His name was Jonas.

I think Jonas' feelings for me may have been stronger than mine were for him. My heart was always preoccupied with the thought of Mateo, so I had never been able to commit myself to anything serious with any one of my flings in the last few years. I think if I had asked Jonas to be my boyfriend, he would have said yes. I think he might have even told me that he loved me soon enough.

And he would have been the perfect boyfriend. We didn't have any other complicated relationship to each other, like in the case of Mateo and I where Mateo was my brother's best friend. And Jonas was always kind and caring and thoughtful. He'd always message me good morning and good night and we could talk without it having to get sexual and he never pushed anything on me or made me feel uncomfortable or unsafe or unsure.

I really tried to like him back. That's the truth. I wanted so badly to feel for him as strongly as I believe he felt for me. But you can't force feelings and relationships on people. You definitely can't force yourself to fall in love. I could never get my feelings to go past friendly or sexual into the more romantic and sensual with Jonas. My body hungered for him at times, but my heart always drifted toward another.

And I feel bad for how I left things with him. After that night, I was obviously in a very vulnerable state and very much did not feel inclined to meet up with anyone for anything. I could hardly even see or talk to my friends who were purely just friends. I was too much of a coward to face him in person or even hear his voice on the phone, for if I had done that then I would have surely broken down in front of him. I did not want him to see me like that. So, I texted him saying that things were over between us and that I needed space. Of course, he tried calling, tried texting me, asking what was wrong. I just reiterated that I didn't want to talk, and things ended.

Of course, I'd seen him many times since then, but we never talked. We went to the same college, but we had none of the same classes, so it was easy to avoid him in that respect. And then if I ever saw him at lunch, I would simply walk away from the situation.

I certainly wish I could have done things differently. Had I been in a position where I had more emotional capacity then I would have thought of something to tell him, some kind of explanation, even if that didn't include telling him about that night. But I was too weak then and the past is as the past is. I cannot change it from the present and can only hope the future is brighter.

But I was more in control of myself again now. I took hold of my pain and crafted it into a segment of my soul. It's part of who I am now. Some days harder than others of course but I was more myself again these days.

So, when Jonas appeared before me in Suzie's smoothies the day after I'd gone to see the sunrise with Mateo, I was partly in shock and partly determined. I didn't want to tell him exactly why I had ended things the way I had but this was my chance to at least apologise.

"Cam?" he asked me once he was inside and finally noticed it was me at the till.

"Jonas," I replied still a little taken aback.

"You... work here now?" he asked.

I nodded. "I do. Yeah."

"Oh right." He didn't seem too pleased. "Well, could I get a Sundown Strawberry smoothie to go?"

"Of course."

He paid and I went about making the smoothie for him all the while thinking of what I should say and how to go about it. The smoothie was fairly quick and easy to make though so I didn't have nearly as much time as I'd hoped. And while there weren't currently any other customers, there could be soon, and I didn't think it would be appropriate to have this conversation here.