the only time i feel i might get better (is when we are together) - ziam

Twelve ‎✧ ೃ༄

He tossed and turned for a while before deciding to turn on a fan to cool the room down, as well as a Disney movie on his iPad, he truly had nothing better to do and he had a busy week ahead of him. Participating in something which could potentially be viewed as a little activity seemed more than relaxing to him right now so he wasn't hesitant to put one on. He chose the original Cinderella movie, loving how magical it all was and how quick he always became so infatuated with the movie, how he was speedy to zone out from the rest of the world and only focus on the digital screen in front of him. Out of all the Disney movies he had watched (which was a lot!), he would always without a doubt come back to Cinderella because everything about it not only screamed and yelled 'Disney' but it was just perfect in every way.

He lay, sat up in bed with one leg to his chest and one resting down. His thumb bobbing between his lips and his head resting against the leg which he had to his chest, he was comfortable and in the perfect position to watch Cinderella. He felt extremely safe for the first time in a long time, and that excited him. Maybe he could even safely regress for an hour without panicking or getting anxious? (However, he was not too sure if he was being a little over ambitious with that thought.)

Soon, he was all zoned out and immersed into the film. His eyes wide and lit up, taking in each passing scene and hand drawn glitter dust that floated across the screen. He completely adored it and soon moved into a more comfortable position, lying on his stomach. His hands playing with the ears on his teddy, flipping and flapping them about - fighting the urge to chew and suck on them like a toddler. He hated to admit it but that was one of his biggest habits and guilty pleasures, maybe he should invest in a teether? He supposed he'd really like one but he doesn't know where he'd put it, perhaps in his drawer by his bed? That's where he was planning on putting his other little space things, but as of right now he only really has his teddy so he doesn't have to worry too much about where things will be hid.

There are many little thing he'd love, especially a pacifier and a onesie but he just doesn't know how he'd manage to keep them a secret, he guessed he could play off the onesie as pyjamas but the pacifier would certainly be hard to explain. It'd be a lot better than sucking his thumb, both for hygiene and for his teeth that's for sure. His teeth were already effected from the thumb sucking, it's just too comforting that he can't help but do it. 

Zayn wrapped the blanket around himself and rested his head against the bed, subconsciously regressing into a younger headspace without even realising. His full concentration being on the movie that was still presented in front of him. He nuzzled his face against his teddy, feeling the soft and gentle texture of the teddy's fabric - even though it was old, it still felt very velvet-like and he can't help but feel the material against his cheek whenever possible. It was one of his favourite things to do.

He slipped his thumb back into his mouth, it bobbing between his lips. He felt happy, safe and most importantly: content. He was truly enjoying himself - he hadn't felt like this in months since before starting college and he's extremely excited to say that his little space isn't feeling much like a punishment much anymore like how it was starting to feel, but instead a place of tranquil again. He can already tell the next week will be a good one just based on by how he's currently feeling.

The boy was enjoying himself so much, engrossed with the Disney movie, that he didn't even register just how fast the time was going and he was soon greeted by Liam who had walked through the door, a full Tesco bag in his hand and the top few buttons on his shirt undone. The thumb instantly dropped from the regressed boys mouth, feeling startled, and Liam looked towards him, "I bought some stuff from Tesco, was thinking of making us a meal...? Are you okay...?"

Liam looked towards the TV, then back at Zayn who had quickly sat up and was having a mental battle to leave the headspace which he found himself fairly deep in. It was proving difficult, he was non verbal and beginning to rapidly panic. The boy tugged on his own hair, anxiously in an attempt to try and make his way out of the loving space. "Zayn?"

"Zayn?" Liam tried again and sat next to the boy, "What's wrong?"

Zayn let out a quiet sniffle and reached for his teddy, to which Liam picked up and hesitantly gave to him. Zayn held the teddy by their hand - feeling their stitched in paw print - and calmed down, managing to find his way out of the headspace, "I-.." He began and Liam stopped him by wiping away the boys tears. "Are you okay?" Liam asked, genuinely concerned. Zayn just nodded, taking a deep breath, "I was just- I can't- It's hard to explain."

Fuck, this is it. Zayn thought. Liam was going to find out his secret and it was going to spread like wildfire, just like he'd always been afraid of.

"Take your time. Tell me what you want, and I'll listen. You look relaxed when I walked in, I didn't mean to make you panic." The boy spoke, his voice gentle and full of reassurance.

Zayn looked down, why was the boy being so kind to him? Can he trust him? "You won't understand."

"I'll understand if you help me to understand. If you allow me to understand." Liam said softly, wrapping an arm around Zayn, "I know I've been a complete dick to you for as long as you've known me, and I'm sorry... It's just- it's how I am. I grew up mainly on my own, I had my parents, obviously, but they were always too busy with work and other things. I didn't talk to many people, I didn't have many friends - it's hard for me to know my behaviour until others point it out. I'm not used to recognising it on my own and I guess as you got mad at me that day, when you were drawing and I had just walked in, it made me realise I was being a twat and since then I've been forever upset at myself for being so horrid to someone so kind. I'm sorry, really."

Zayn watched and listened, hearing Liam explain about why he acted the way he did, and although in a way his explanation confused him: he was finally grateful to understand, it created a sense of trust between the boy and although he still doesn't and probably won't, for a long time, completely believe Liam will be kind to him. He knows full well that this will be the first apology of many and that Liam's attitude won't stay positive - he's seen enough of the boy to know that.

"I'm working on myself, like, when I had that girl around the other day and then asked her to leave? That was me realising I was doing it again: being a dick to you. You looked so sad and I don't know why I never saw how I was effecting you. I'm sorry it took me so long. So please, if you trust me enough to teach me to understand... I'll listen?"

The boy nodded and cuddled into Liam's hold, "I don't even know where to start."

"Like I said, take your time. I'll listen... You were watching Cinderella?"

Zayn blushed, feeling embarrassed already, "I was... I came to the conclusion that it's possibly one of my favourite Disney movies. It's so peaceful and enchanting."

"It is, although if I'm being truthfully honest... I've never watched the full thing without falling asleep. Perhaps one day I'll have to watch it, in full, with you?"

"Maybe one day," Zayn whispered, "I like watching Disney movies... for comfort. I know I told you I liked them the other day, so you kinda already knew but yeah. Comfort.. That's when- when you walked in and I was lying on my stomach, watching it... I felt comforted and safe."

"Innocent." Liam hummed, and it almost felt as if Liam knew what Zayn was getting at it but in a sense, that felt almost impossible because how could this obnoxiously unkind man even know about age regression?

"Yeah. Innocent. Do you know what I mean?"

Liam looked down at him, shrugging. "Not necessarily, care to explain further?"

Hmm, Zayn thought. Biting at his nails, anxiously. "Liam.. Please- You can't tell anyone what I'm about to tell you."

"I won't. I swear. Go ahead." His arms wrapped further around Zayn until they couldn't anymore, Zayn rested his head back against Liam's chest and shut his eyes. He took a deep breath, "I age regress."

"What is that?"