I've dreamed of the perfect marriage ever since I was a little girl: a marriage complete with a hardworking husband while I tended to the home and our children, preferably four little rugrats to call my own. I dreamed of a life filled with laughter...
Author's Note: This is a good enough-for-now chapter. After losing part of the chapter from forgetting to save (rookie mistake...I know!), and then having to re-think the words...most not coming back...I'm so over this chapter. So, we will proceed forward!
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My hands shake as I watch Lottie walk away. My throat feels like it's turned into sandpaper and a cotton ball is slowly moving down it. I want to go after her, but I can't...or, I shouldn't. I'm not sure what I should do. I want her to turn back, but she won't. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I've lost all control . . .
. . . I need control.
It's why I stepped away from my parents after high school.
It's why I built my own business.
It's why I only agreed to a marriage in contract.
My whole life, I've been used as a pawn in my parents' and their friends' games. As a child, I was encouraged to listen to conversations at events for the specific purpose of gathering secrets about my parents' so-called friends. They demanded how I dressed, how I talked, and who I spent my time with. They even had my marriage to Abigail planned out ever since I was a child, a situation I found comfort in because it meant Abigail and I were at least in the situation together. Having her by my side gave me purpose--a goal to focus on so we could escape. For years, she and I were pulled and pushed one way or another, being used to further the advancements and power of our parents. I thought we hated it together; I thought we needed to get out together; I thought we were in it together. But, we weren't in it together. She, it turns out, was using me just like my parents were using me.
"When it comes to the world, son, you trust no one. Only yourself."
I trusted Abigail. I guess my father was right.
My life since high school has been carefully constructed by my own hands. I'm careful who I let in so I can keep it that way. To do that, I need absolute control because it means that I determine the outcome. It means I control the pieces. It means no one else can control me. It's how I survived and how I continue to survive in a world where loyalty is easily sold for the right price--often a very small price.
Right now, I'm having a hard time finding that control and it's making me feel like I can't breathe.
I need to fix this.
My mind races with the situation between Lottie and me, formulating every possible action and outcome, but none of them seem plausible and it's making me itch and my chest tighten.
What do I do?
How do I come back from this?
How do I fix this?
The more questions I have, the more answers I don't have, which makes me feel shaky, anxious, and sick to my stomach.
