Forever Till death...

Chapter 26

Jason

If this man rammbled any more nonsense about my feelings I would bash his head into his desk. And that was as calm as my fantasies of what I'd like to do to him went.
'Jason, you okay?' It takes a lot for me not to roll my eyes at this shit. I swear to god the minute I stepped foot out of this place I'd sow his mouth shut. That's if his heart would keep beating till then. He didn't know  it yet but it was failing him faster than it would take me to tell him what I really felt about all this shit.

How on earth could one person be so oblivious. His heart condition is so fucking obvious yet he's the doctor. I mean the symptoms were clear as day. His skin was a pale shade with a slight almost minute shade of blue, cyanosis, or did he think that was the cold? I can tell his neck hurts with how often he rubs at it and the mans ankles were more swollen than a fucking elephants, christ he's overweight but that should have told him something was wrong with him if his skin wasnt a red flag enough for him. He couldn't even breath evenly.

I wonder if I should break the bad news to him or just watch him suffer. I'd love to be the bearer of bad news but that didn't fit into things. I didn't know if I was just lucky or too fucking exact in my planning. I need a female doctor to get this shit into motion, and wouldn't you know it a woman will take his place if he drops dead or retires, Dr. Kelly. I've done my research and she'd be the most elligble to take his place if she already hasn't gone to Sweden. I need precision and who better than a sex staved woman on the verge of divorce due to her career success. This old fart isn't exactly attracted to me. Probably the planning, I don't believe in luck, except Keira. I was lucky to meet her in the first place. She's due anytime from today, she's giing intonthe ninth month. Probably tired to do anything, I smile at that. God I wish I could be the one there for her.

'Yeah, I was just thinking about my daughter.'

'Mh, You'd like to meet her, there is no greater feeling than fatherhood Jason. I can attest.'

Too bad you won't be one for long if you don't get your chest looked at.
'She's around seven eight months by now.' Eight months three days but he doesn't need to know the specifics.

'Thats lovely Jason, but you need to warm up to the idea that you may never see her or the baby.'

As if I need you to tell me what to feel, I know that dick face. Might as well lay it on thick since you think I'm a fucking idiot.

'I know, but just knowing I have a kid, a daughter, a little angel that's all good and pure, it's .. it's a lot, it's everything.' I say flexing my jaw looking away from him. He scribbles something down and I close my hand to prevent myself from grabbing that pen and sticking it up his throat.

'Thats a great thing, nothing is as pure as a child. I agree. It may be for the best you're not in her life right now as you get better ,And keira?' Now he's pushing it.

'What about her?' I ask not betraying anything.

'How do you think she feels about you.?'

'I think she hates me.' I say only I'm sure she does and his face falls before he sighs.

Does he think I'm about to walk into his psychoanalytic shit that easily? He's going to talk me in circles to the say a point he wants to put in my head so that I think I came up with it on my own. Yet he could just easily say it in one sentence. How fucking stupid does he believe i am, am i that good of an actor? I mean for the toughest quack in this shit hole he is too dense its hilarious. He's the reason I'm not allowed visitors yet because his mind tells him I am making progress but his gut is telling him I'm not. He's a good doctor, except he has a tell. That fucking pen and it's been working overtime today. I've played this game enough times with him and I'm not up for another round today. It seems neither is he. I have to watch what I say, the asshole records everything and he won't hesitate to use it against me.

'She hates me and it kills me.Every single day.' I say my mouth ticking slightly and his nostrils flare.  No lie there.

'Cut the shit Jason.' He says putting his pen down

'I don't understand?' I say in the right tone of voice.

'It's been months, you say the right things you do the right things and you act the right way but you know its all an act.' He says picking up that fucking pen his nostrils flaring again. Tell number two, those chimneys he has as fucking breathing holes.

'I just answer your questions the way I feel they relate to me.' I say my voice more perplexed than before.
'You are some type of crazed lunatic.' He says looking me straight in the eye    Lunatic probably ,crazed not exactly as he defines it, no. Not at all. I know what I'm doing.

'Jesus .' Is all I say .
'Look at you!' He shouts getting up, ' you think you're so smart don't you, that you're above everyone else! I can't stand your type, you're the animals that rape little girls, bomb innocents and walk around like gods gift to humanity.  '
I raise my brows in shock, about time he blew a gasket, we never really could stand each other with the mock pretenses.

'Dr. Miller' I say in a small voice my brows still raised.

'You sit here for hours looking  smug and content like you're the one doing me a favor when we both know you're an ungrateful bastard who is sick and disturbed beyond anyone's mere comprehension!' 'You are everything that is wrong with the system and you will rot here.' He throws his hands in the air his breathing fast. The man is killing himself without my help.

He turns to face the window for two seconds before facing me pointing his finger at me accusingly.

'I am going to make sure you never step a foot out of here since they won't put you where you really belong Jason Ross. You think you're ever going to see Keira and her baby forget it. He says sitting back down. 'Get out. Now.' He growls and I stand walking to the door. The door is opened from outside for me by the male nurse who probably responded to the button that Dr. Miller has on his desk.

I turn to him before the man can put my hands in the jacket.

'I know you think the worst of me Dr. Miller, but I really am trying to change I say before turning to the nurse. Dr. Miller can barely contain his sneer .

They hadn't come for me and it was an hour later than my scheduled talks with Dr. Miller. The door finally opened with nurse Roberts at the door. I was in the small bed facing the padded walls. White wall.

'Jason, hello. '
I smile at the one person I can almost stand so far in this place.
'Hi, is he ready for me?' I ask and she sighs.

'No, uh, he's in the hospital. He had a stroke.'she says gently.
My breathing gets shallow ,' when?' I ask and she comes closer, 'last night, after he left here.'

I look at her knowing look and my breathing gets faster, I try to catch my breath, 'After my session, right?' I ask looking at her my breathing getting faster.

'Yes Jason, but you can't blame yourself.  The things on that recording..'
'Is he going to make it?' I ask and she frowns,'   we don't know yet Are you okay?' She asks .

' I , I caused, I ,I made I put him in there, he was right, he he was'

'Calm down Jason, it wasn't your fault, what he said was very unprofessional of him, you had nothing to do with, Jason! Jason!' I hear her scream as I let myself be consumed by the panic and shock.

'He's having a panic attack, get me a needle!' I hear her yell as I let the darkness consume me.

'You sit here for hours looking  smug and content like you're the one doing me a favor when we both know you're an ungrateful bastard who is sick and disturbed beyond anyone's mere comprehension.!' 'You are everything that is wrong with the system and you will rot here.' He throws his hands in the air his breathing fast. The man is killing himself without my help.
He turns for two seconds to face the window. I open my closed hand and drop the adrenaline into his glass of water without moving any other muscles but my hands unnecessarily.  It'll be slower, but it will get the job done. I close my fist again as he turns back to me pointing his finger at me.

Tick tock.