Forever Till death...

Chapter 28

Jason
'I'd like to ask you a personal question Jason.' Dr. Kelly says and it takes all my strength not to roll my eyes at her. That's all she ever asks.

'Is that okay with you?' I stare past her like I can't hear her. I feel like shit and I can tell I've lost weight. I caught a glimpse of my reflection on the glass windows from the therapy wing on my way here. The first time I've seen myself in a while since there are no mirrors here. I have dark circles around my eyes and my cheeks are slightly hollow. I needed the drugs to stop. Completely. That was my problem.  She'd immediately lowered my dose I confirmed from sneaking glances at my file during our sessions and the way I felt. She'd also filed a gross  misconduct complaint against Dr. Miller for prescribing overdoses for me and the recordings he loved so much. So as much as I wanted to snap, I was tired of being drugged up. I had to play along.

'Jason?'

'Your hair.' I say ,
'Your hair, it's real pretty.' I say looking at her now. I tilt my head slightly to gauge her reaction.

'You should wear it down more.'
She tries to hide it but she's affected. She's attracted to me. It's subtle but it's growing. I'd noticed she wasn't the only one. The female nurses treated me a lot better than the male ones. I'd heard them whispering to each other when I passed a group of them a few days back. They thought I was hot, one called me the 'sexiest man' she'd ever seen. One had giggled before the older one said it's a pity I was crazy. Nurse Roberts had sighed before saying she'd never thought I was carzy, just misunderstood. She blamed my parents and environment. I couldn't hear more than that. She had no idea.

'That's not an appropriate thing to say Mr. Ross.' She says. She can't keep eye contact with me and I notice her legs cross under her desk. I want to smile but it's showtime.

'Jason. Not Mr. Ross. That was my father.'

She perks up. It's written all over her, she thinks she has an in. I let her have it.

'Your father, were you close? You don't talk about him.' I blink slowly.

'He wasn't a good person.' She scribbles something down. I'm not bothered because she writes a summary of our sessions after we're done, I usually steal glances at the summary before our sessions start the next time. She has compassion towards me so far. It's not enough.

'Do you have any memories about him? About your parents?'

'Yes.' I say. Work for it Dr. Kelly, it's no fun if I just lay it all out.

'Can you tell me something about your childhood?'

'I can.' I say and I look at her. 'But I don't want to.' I say my eyes glistening. Her lips thin, that's it feel your compassion.

'This is a safe place Jason. You can tell me anything you like here and it will never leave this office.'

'I'd rather not. ' I say and she sighs.
'Why not Jason. You're completely safe here.'
'Last time I opened up, my doctor disappeared. I'd rather not.'

'Jason, you are not to blame for anything. You're stronger than that. You're not responsible for anything that happened. '

'Is he okay?' I ask a tear rolling down my cheek. She stands up and walks to me. She squats infront of me and takes my hands in hers. She throws a glance to the door before swallowing.

'You're a good guy Jason. You can't blame yourself. I want you to be completely honest with me so I can help you. You're safe with me.'
That was fast ,I may have her. I just need to make sure.

I remove one hand from hers clutching mine and push back the strands of hair that aren't in her ponytail. She blushes and I want to laugh. She's perfect for what I want.
I remove my hand and clear my throat. She looks away and stands up so fast I think she'll fall but she's steady before walking back to her desk.

'Our times up for today. I'll see you tomorrow Jason.' She says before pushing the button that unlocks and opens ths door. I stand up and a different male nurse is there. He puts the straight jacket on me before guiding me out. I don't bother looking back to gauge her reaction. I already know. It's time to set things in motion now. Finally.

Tonight I know I'll rest easy. I always think of her. Of them, but soon everything will be right. It has to be.

For the first time in the months i've been here, i'm taken outside today. I need it. Dr. Kelly walks beside me as she asks me her never ending questions. This walk would be better without her talking but it wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for her. Only those who are considered stable are allowed to be outside in their makeshift garden. There are nurses and guards all around just incase a patient flips out. Dr. Miller had denied me even that. So i indulge dr. Kelly. I have no choice. Luckily she keeps it simple asking mundane things like how it feels to be outside, what I like, what I dislike and basic questions that I know are not for my benefit but hers. By the grace of an entity I will forever be grateful for, she's called back inside the building about someone who had a break of some sort. She apologizes looking unwilling to leave but she must and I am finally alone.

I go to the tent where a male nurse is stationed and pick a few drawing papers and piece of coal and a crayon. They can't risk giving psychos pens,papers or brushes because of self harm and the safety of the guards. So it's either coal or crayon. I knew this before hand so it doesn't bother me.

I sit under a tree and draw the lines from memory. They aren't as fresh in my mind as I'd hoped because of the drugs but I had studied them before and the main elements are intact. A bell is rung and the guards round us up to make a line to go back in. I pick my papers and walk inconspicuously to stand right behind another patient.

I look at the guards and nurses preoccupied with rounding the stubborn ones up. I don't waste time. I put the now small crayon in my mouth quickly and swallow. I look around and thankfully noone has seen me. It's my turn to be searched. They take the piece of coal and remaining piece of crayon i broke off in my hand counter checking with the list .
The male guard pats me down and I walk to the male nurse infront of him. I open my mouth and he checks it. He takes my drawings assessing them. He sighs,' Crazy bastards.' He mutters under his breath before giving them back to me.

Another nurse is beside him. He takes the drawings and puts them on a chair. He puts me in the jacket and carries the papers as he leads me to my padded cell.

He unties the jacket and hands me the drawings.

'What's that supposed to be?' He asks nodding to the papers as he steps back to leave and lock the door.

'My future.' I say before turning to walk to the tiny bed that's mine.

'Your future's a bunch of lines?' He asks sarcastically and I ignore him. I hear him mutter fucking psycho before he walks away.

I hear the footsteps leave and I sit on the floor my drawings in hand. When it's silent, I put my fingers in the back of my throat and push out the crayon as silently as I can. It comes out without anything because I didn't eat my lunch for this purpose.

I sigh and crack my knuckles listening for any footsteps. Nothing. I take the papers and arrange them in order on top of each other. Today is Friday, the guards change at midnight. I've waited long enough I'll do it tonight. I stretch under my bed to reach for the bottle cap I took from Dr. Kelly's office yesterday. She hadn't noticed too preoccupied with her feelings. I carefully lift it with the small amount of water in it. Water that I had kept from swallowing at lunch to bring back here for this.

I pour it over the paper at the top carefully spreading the water to make it see through. My 'bunch of lines' on the papers morph together to form the key to what I need. The blue prints to this shithole.

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