Pencils & Polaroids

04: clown issues

When Sam asked me to "help" her get together with Grayson Finley, she didn't want me to become a match-making human-Tinder, she meant "don't get your rivalry with his best friend in between and fuck up my chance" kind of help. 

Because believe me when I say this, she built that connection slowly and perfectly all by herself while I stood in a corner (hidden and silent), gawking at her with pride and feeling utterly stupid while I did it. Because there was a connection between Sam and Gray. I was just too blinded by rage to never have noticed it. 

The whole of the first week, I gawked at "GRAM" with a frown. I did not come up with that ship name. (Okay, maybe I did. It was a surety that I'll be supportive of her new big step). 

The second week, however, the frown eased a little and suspicion took its position. Because damn was Grayson Finley being nice to me and asking me how I was. See, someone very brilliant has said old habits die hard. And that someone was brilliant because they were right. I know my "better than you" reply could've been replaced with a smile and a thumbs up. We're learning. 

The third week, Sam dragged me to the library after school to give Rainer his Geometry book which she had "borrowed" to complete her notes. One, Sam is brilliant at Math. Two, she doesn't miss a class so how would you explain any incomplete notes, and three, why wouldn't she just ask me? I'm better than Rainer at everything. 

But no, my best friend wanted to establish a good bond with his best friend. So she returned his book with my scribbling on the last page while I stood there like a robot with a flat face. If I knew who made that theory and posted it on the Internet, I would be on my way to punching them in the face. 

The fourth week, I'm right in front of the Cross Academy's cafeteria doors debating on which would be worse; stepping inside, grabbing my lunch tray, and having to sit at the same table as Grayson and Rainer because Samantha is at their table now, or ditch my best friend who is deep in love with an idiot and head for the woods? 

The latter would save my self-respect, my principles, and prevent embarrassment. But I cannot abandon my best friend with them. Not when she was the only one in the whole school who had my back throughout the last five years. She's never asked me to do anything until now. I cannot let her down. 

Well, I did avoid lunch just for the sake of this moment in the last four weeks, so it's about time I show up. I wonder if my presence would help or harm her. I've used weird excuses to skip lunch all these days--sometimes it was an assignment, house captain responsibilities, doubt clarification of topics I very well knew, hiding in the auditorium, sitting in the stands, purposely not doing my homework so I could use that as an excuse to skip lunch--and now I've exhausted all my options. 

If not anything, I know it would make Sam happy. And I'd do anything for her to smile. 

So with every bone in my body begging me not to, I take the first step inside the cafeteria. I already hate the eyes that take my presence into consideration. With a puff of exhale, I refrain from looking at anyone. Making headway to the counter, I grab my tray and glance at our usual spot that I've missed for the last four weeks. 

"Park?" Sam calls my name to invite me to the table she was sitting on. But she called my name so loudly, not just me, everyone around me is also looking at us. "Here!" She looks so happy, standing up and pointing at the empty chair beside her. 

Then my eyes take a glimpse at Rainer who casually looked up from his phone only to point the black iPhone logo at me as I take the walk of shame. Sam throws a striking yellow pencil at him. He catches it but he doesn't stop filming me. 

The entire cafeteria begins to clap in unison beats. With every step I take to the table, the ferocity of the cheering grows. I pin my gaze to the ground when I feel a sting in my eyes. I don't want to cry but the humiliation reaches a point inside my head where all I want to do is scream, run up to Rainer, throw his phone to the ground and slap him hard.