Pencils & Polaroids

59: worst christmas ever

ADELE MADE THIS SONG FOR THEM AND PARTICULARLY THIS CHAPTER! I cannot (will not) get over how perfectly it fits! :'))

. . .

He shattered something inside me that hadn't been broken before. Mind you, a lot of me is broken. Yet, he found that one perfect little hidden piece that I'd buried deep inside my chest and finished me off. 

I didn't want to react. I didn't want to give him the high and the satisfaction of two victories in one day. How I'd responded until now—that composure, the words, the unerupted volcano of feelings (despite how badly I wanted to explode) was the prescribed adult way of dealing with this shock. I could bet my father's bank balance, he should be feeling guilty to the verge, if he's human at all, that is. 

My affirmations during my travel to the gym were a loop that repeated the words: "You're alright. Love can't do too much damage. He'll be gone after today. You were deep down prepared for this. Erasing him off will hurt but later, it will hurt less. You are fine. You survived so much more, this is nothing. It's a stupid heartbreak. You will be okay." 

But you don't believe, regardless of the million times I've been embarrassed in my life, hurt by people I love, and ached for countless nights, I've never felt this kind of pain. This pain doesn't only make me weak, it makes me not want to fight, for anything I stand for. This pain makes me give up on myself. 

This pain makes me hate myself. 

And never in my eighteen years of life have I disliked the person I am. Until now. 

"MELLON!" I don't halt but Sadie appears right in front of me with two shot glasses. "Join me for shots, I'm celebrating our downfall." 

I eye the shots and then her inscrutable face. The thought that instantly runs in the back of my mind tells me I've entirely lost the ability to trust anyone in this life now. The damage to an already deep-cut wound is done and now there is nothing in the world that could stitch a heal. 

She sides with him on every deal. She executes his plan. She operates his pranks--even when I was on the hospital bed. That could've been a joke but she did what he said. She is one of them. She's the only girl who is close to him. She also happens to be the only girl who offered me a deal to partner up. He won. She came second. 

It all makes sense. 

I study the shot glass. "Is it spiked? Are there cameras here? Were you all planning to film my reaction to the prank? Live stream my breakdown?"

Her smile fades. "What?" 

I roll my eyes, "Cut it out, Sadie. You're his best friend and fuck--" I brush my hair out of my face, "--I should've known when you offered me that deal. You're in on this, aren't you? This was your part of the deal, right?" 

She furrows her brows even more. "In on what? Park, this is the first time you've said my name to my face and I'm still digesting that--"

"Congratulations on coming second." I sidestep her. "We're done." 

"Park!" 

Irrespective of calling my name, she doesn't follow me and I appreciate it. I don't want to face any more puppets of Rainer playing me their victim card. More so, I'm scared I'll end up trusting them because lately, the liar detector in my mind has gone to pot.