𝓜𝓲𝓼𝓽𝔂 𝓢𝓸𝓾𝓵𝓼

12 | stargazing

Sitting again on this hard bench, I let my gaze travel on this dark landscape, my arms firmly wrapped around my torso.
My cheeks were surely red by now, but they were absolutely dried. For once, no thoughts had invaded my head, leaving me all alone almost unconscious in the middle of the night.
Right now I felt like I haven't any place in this world. My body was pushing me out of this building every single night, and I didn't felt the urge to go back home anymore. I mean that wasn't even originally my home, it was Derek's.
From time to time I thought about what would have been his life if I hadn't been pushed in.
That must have been quite a thing to suddenly have a little girl, crying every time he tried to hug me and waking up every night shouting and asking for my mom.
I wouldn't have been able to handle someone like that at his place. But somehow he managed to heal my heart and mind, slowly creating a little area for himself.
I rarely speak about that subject with him, barely ever actually.
But I was so grateful for everything that he has done, every second he had spent with my annoying self, looking like he was really enjoying my presence.

There were words I had banished from my vocabulary after she lost the right to have a children in her house. After she decided she didn't want me anyway.
Those little three words as powerful as the warmth of the sun.
Those little three words she made me say a billion times. And that she returned sometimes, making me feel like I actually had a big place in her heart. Which was a lie.
I never thought about those words again, or at least I forced myself not to. Because I was scared. I was just really scared to give my heart again and see it fall into pieces for the millionth time.
I wouldn't be strong enough to handle that, I perfectly knew it.

Staying still as tears were invading my vision, I suddenly heard steps behind me. Right after a warm material met my shoulders, someone sat next to me, not too close. I knew it was her. I actually could smell her flower perfume.

She stayed quiet for a long time, making me wonder if she was really awake or just walking into her sleep. My fingers slightly brushed the jumper she had gently put over me.

Slowly turning my head towards her I observed her staring at the trees, wearing herself a big warm sweater complimenting her skin color. Meeting my gaze, a smile escaped her naked lips, forcing me look somewhere else quickly.
This time I didn't felt her burning look on me, she just remained silent and focused on the view. As if it was the most normal thing, to sit with her student in the middle of the cold night to watch the shadows dancing in front of us.

"You should go back inside. You're gonna be sick." I whispered after many minutes, not daring to look at her again.

"It's okay I can handle it." She replied with a calm tone.

"... What are you doing here Miss Anderson?"

"Nothing. What about you?"

She made me all confused. What the hell was that?
My fingertips began playing unconsciously with the nice fabric, before wrapping it tighter around me, appreciating the warmth it gave me even though I wasn't cold in the first place. I never was. Leaving in a freezing cold house for years taught me not to be.

"Nothing." I replied even lower, not even sure if she could hear me.

Another full minute of silence passed by, making this uneasy feeling in my stomach slowly fade as I was adapting to her presence.

"How do you feel tonight? Answer me in three words, without using fine, alright or good."

While my forehead creased in confusion, my face turned automatically toward hers.

"What's that?"

"Just answer." she kindly pushed me not searching for my gaze for too long like she always did.