𝓜𝓲𝓼𝓽𝔂 𝓢𝓸𝓾𝓵𝓼

40 | our place

Either she was really busy, or she was avoiding me, because I didn't see her until our first class together.
When she called my name, a wave of disappointment submerged me, because she didn't even look up to meet my gaze.
Ouch. A really fucking big ouch.

Immediately looking away, I unexpectedly met Emily's eyes.
Before I averted my gaze again, I found her silently passing me a message.
I think my inner self understood it, but I decided to deny it and focus on my notebook where doodles soon appeared as I did my best to not allow her mesmerizing voice to go to my brain.
She was so cold. Just like a teacher who's there to teach to a bunch of stupid students, nothing more.

As if it wasn't enough, poetry class came rather quickly, and I found myself in her class again, this time all alone as the girls had their own « hot poetry teacher ».
Okay I basically just said Isabelle was hot, good job Amanda, I lectured my own conscience, refusing to glance towards her because I didn't want to have to face again the fact that she was clearly avoiding me and wanted nothing to do with me.

As I was completely lost in my thoughts, a voice startled me "Eh, can I work with you?"

Cathy was standing next to me, her pencil case in hand and a weird smile on display.

"Work on what?" I questioned, realizing I had no idea why all my classmates were getting up, moving in the room freely.

"A pair project. Have you not listened?"

"Ugh.. I zoned out for a bit." I admitted, unexpectedly catching our teacher's gaze for the first time of the day.
Not lingering even a second on me, her eyes quickly stopped on Cathy, who was still standing next to me.

I did my best to not lose a drop of her reaction as I accepted to work with her.
Cathy happily took a seat next to me, and that's when I saw Isabelle's lips create a thin straight line, like she was refraining herself to shout or something.

Tuesday night she told me she had witnessed Cathy kissing me -no, forcing her mouth on mine- and admitted being jealous.

Jealousy. What a huge word full of sense.
Because I realized this exactly how I had felt the whole day -in addition to hurt and ashamed-. I had this pang in my chest, making me want to just disappear, whenever she'd converse with any student other than me.

"So, what would you like to talk about?" Kindly asked Cathy, resting on her elbows and drawing Isabelle's attention on us again.
This time our eyes locked, just for a millisecond. But it was enough to allow me to see through her, breaking this carapace she was hiding behind.
She was hurt.
I believed she was.
No I knew she was.

Even though I still didn't know much about her, I also had learned to read her with time.
And she was right, eyes were sometimes way louder than the voice could me.

ღ

Eyes closed and laying on the pontoon, I had tried for hours to clean that mess in my head. But it seemed to be even more confusing with every song that played into my earphones.

I must have heard the whole album of Billie Eilish, followed by every calm or depressing songs that were in my phone.
I was very picky with the songs I listened to, the lyrics needed to fit me you know, it was like a second conscience guiding me when I needed help.

But soon all my playlist had passed already, forcing the application to choose random songs that could maybe fit my expectations of music.

I had never heard the first music that arrived after. And it was really not the type of music I usually listened to, something joyful and light.
But I didn't change it, wanting to know what this one had to offer me.