Love Always, Ella

Chapter Twelve

Ella

August 23rd, 2018

Christian,

Do you still think about me?

I guess I'm just wondering because there's times that I still think of you. Like, I'll see something in a store that I think you'd like, or I'll see something on TV that I think you'd find funny. I want to reach out to you still so many times, but everything is so different now.

I often fight with myself because I know I shouldn't miss you, but damn it, I do. A lot. I miss the way you'd smile at me. I miss the way you danced to songs in the car when you totally couldn't dance. I miss talking all night long to you about anything and everything. You were my best friend. You knew everything about me, and now that so much has changed it's like you know nothing.

I've changed so much. I've grown, I've matured, and I think I owe part of that to you. Because of you I know how not to let a man treat me. I have standards now. I know for future reference what I want and what I don't want. I think maybe that's why I needed to experience this heartbreak with you. Because of it I gained so much knowledge for my future relationships.

So, I guess even though I got my heartbroken by you, I still would've gone through it all over again if I had the chance.

__________

"Mom, I'm fine."

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

I'm completely lying.

I'm the furthest thing from fine. If feeling like a train just ran over my entire body or like one thousand knives just stabbed my heart repeatedly then okay, I'm fine.

"Grandma called and told me what happened. I know that what you're going through must be the worst thing honey, but it'll get better in time. You just need to give it time."

Yeah, I just need to give it time. Sure, I'll just give it time. I'll just sit here in my room like I have been for a week and try to not think about the way he smiled and grabbed onto my hand, or the way he said things no other boy has ever said to me before. He said things that I've always dreamed of hearing. Like two years ago, before I used to go to bed, I'd stare up at the ceiling and I'd think about what my boyfriend would look like or how he'd treat me. I'd think about all of the quirks he'd have, or the little inside jokes we'd share. Then I met Christian and got my heart stomped on to the point I thought that it would never beat for anyone ever again. I professed my love to someone who didn't even care. I spilled my feelings out to someone I thought was my friend, someone I thought would be my boyfriend, only to find out he was embarrassed by me. I swore to myself that night when I cried so hard I thought I'd stop breathing that never again would I allow any man to treat me that way. Now I'm sitting here alone in this room with puffy red eyes crying over another boy who doesn't want to be seen with me either.

"I'm fine." I say again when I realize I haven't responded, almost like a robot.

"I just don't understand why you wouldn't tell me." My mother scorns. "We talk on the phone every night, and never once did you ever mention a-"