Love Always, Ella

Chapter Fourteen

October 20th, 2018

Christian,

Do you remember the last time we saw each other? I had just found out that there was someone else, and instead of forgetting about you I wanted to see you one last time. I actually thought that if you saw me one last time that you'd choose me over her. I really thought that I loved you. Maybe you didn't love me, but I think I loved you.

I stooped to the lowest version of myself that I ever have that night. I begged and pleaded to remain in your life. It was pouring rain out that night. It was like a scene from a movie. You told me that I wasn't the one you were going to choose, and I collapsed onto my knees in the mud, feeling my entire heart break into two. It got so bad to the point that my nose started to bleed. Do you remember that? You got so scared that you had to go and get my mom. I cried so hard that I popped blood vessels in my eyes and my nose.

I'll never forget the look on my mom's face when she saw what you did to me. She was so disappointed that I thought so lowly of myself that I'd ever sink to my knees in the mud for another man. Especially you.

I gave you almost a year of my life. I gave you everything I had, and instead of treating me as I deserved you left me in the mud, nose bleeding and all that night to go and see her. Because she was more important? She was more important than taking the time to give me closure? She was more important than someone who genuinely cared for you?

I wish I could erase this memory more than anything. I was weak, I was broken, I hit the lowest point of my life that night. But as much as that destroyed me it also made me stronger. Never again will I let a man make me beg them to want me. Never again will I plead for anyone to claim me. Never again will I ever allow a man to take away my dignity.

Never again.

_____

A night of endless tears seems to be the daily ritual for me. Lying here crying my eyes out and wanting this pain to go away seems to be never ending. The memories, the words left unspoken, the kiss I never thought would be the last and dammit, if I had known it would be the last I would have savored it. I would have savored it and lingered there a lot more than usual.

When I'm at work or when I'm around Jess I don't think about it as much. When I'm out and doing something the pain isn't there, but then I see a little kid wearing a superman shirt and I feel my heart completely break, or I see superman on TV, or superman everywhere possible. It's like no matter where I go I always see something that reminds me of him, and I hate it. I have grown to hate superman.

The worst part is that Patrick and I aren't even an official couple. We were never girlfriend and boyfriend, never in an actual relationship, but it sure felt like that the night at the arcade. But if we weren't in a relationship, and even if it was technically just for a month I still feel heartbroken. I feel crushed and run over, just completely torn apart. Almost like a sweater being pulled on and pulled on until finally the seams all tear apart and all that's left of me is just a bunch of little pieces of fabric.

I continue to sit here crying like a lunatic, but as soon as I'm about to reach for my journal to write in my usual entry of the night I see him running up to the porch from the beach. Even though it's dark out I know it's him. It's all like some sort of movie that you'd say, Oh, come on. That doesn't actually happen. It's happening right in front of my eyes though, and before I can even think about what I look like, I open up the door and just stand there as he runs up the two wooden steps, completely out of breath and sweating from head to toe.