Love Always, Ella

Chapter Twenty

Ella

September 12th, 2018.

Christian,

I think this is going to be my goodbye letter to you. I have written about you for too long and my heart is tired of the pain. There has to be a point in my life where I realize my self-worth and recognize the fact that I no longer mean anything to you.

First I want to say that I appreciate you being my friend for so long. I appreciate the fact that you cared about me for almost a year, even if it was fake. At least I can say that you genuinely made me happy for that short period of time when no other guy had. I can't, however, say that I wish you well. Maybe someday down the road I will be happy that you decided to leave. Maybe someday I won't feel like my heart is torn apart when I see you share pictures of you and the new girl you've found. Maybe someday it won't hurt me that you wanted to hide me for so long and never make me your girlfriend, yet with someone else it came all too easily.

I will never forget all of the excuses you had for me as to why I had to be kept hidden. I will never forget all of the lies you told me, or all of the times I sat crying my heart out for you. There are horrible moments that I don't think will ever leave my mind, but what I do know is that sitting here writing about you once a month is going to come to an end.

With that being said, I know you will never read these entries, but I just want you to know that I will find someone who loves me in a way that you couldn't. I may be self-conscious to the point of no return, and I may hate to look at myself in the mirror because of what you did, but one day I truly believe that I will find someone to mend all of the broken parts you created in me. Every lie, every heartache, and every tear in my heart will be sewn up by somebody who is willing to stay and sees what I have to offer. I am truly sorry that you couldn't see that, and I hope in the future you realize what you lost.

By the time you do I guarantee you this journal will be long forgotten about and I will be with someone who puts a smile on my face with no fear of showing me off. Someone who wouldn't even think about another woman when he's with me. Maybe I'll even be happy by myself five years from now, I don't know. All I do know is that I am letting you go. I guess I just spent so much time attempting to fix what you had broken between us that I had forgotten to fix what you had broken within me. It's time I start to put myself first, so that is exactly what I'm doing.

Goodbye, Christian.

__________

The annoying sound of my alarm going off on my phone makes me want to rip my hair out. I am so not a morning person, but when I feel Patrick's grip tighten around me I remember what happened last night and it finally registers with me that he stayed.

Last night is something I can't describe to anyone even if I tried. I've never felt more beautiful than I did yesterday as he continuously told me how beautiful I was, his body on top of mine, the both of us just completely in love with each other. I had fears that I would wake up and he'd be gone, that he'd regret last night, or that he would finally come to his senses and just think, what the hell did I ever see in her? But that isn't the case because he's with me, right next to me, almost clinging onto me for dear life.

"Hey." I whisper, leaning up to kiss his cheek. "Wake up."

His eyes slowly blink open after about a minute or so, and as they adjust to the light I bring my fingertips up to trace his jawline, which looks even more beautiful in the morning. What I really want to do is stay here with him, but my grandparents will be up soon. I really can't risk the chance of getting caught.