Lily's Playlist

Track 18: California King Bed

****Sensitive subject matter. I know this is a spoiler, but please don't read if you are sensitive to miscarriages*****

***FLASHBLACK***

~2 years prior~

I finally felt like I was getting my shit together. My maternal aunt Patricia was a big part of that. I felt more freedom and independence in the three weeks living with her than I ever felt living with my dad. She helped me purchase my first vehicle- A midnight blue Jetta I named Lady Kitana. I always loved her character on Mortal Kombat. She's fierce and sexy. A complete bad ass ninja, with a mix of seduction and violence. That was enough to make me wanna be like her growing up. Her story line told of how she spent centuries serving as an assassin to an evil Emperor stepfather. She eventually learned that she was kidnapped and was actually a princess. Her whole life had been a lie. I related to her story more than ever now and I felt like the name was perfect for my first huge step in being completely independent from my dad and brother.

I was looking at apartments too. My aunt told me I was free to stay with her as long as I liked. I appreciated it but I didn't feel comfortable at her home. My mother was a huge elephant in the room that no one wanted to address. I figured when I had my own place, I would feel better questioning my past. Until then, it was extremely awkward. Not to say Patricia didn't make me feel welcomed. She did. She introduced me to extended family, was teaching me how to cook and I didn't have to sneak food in my room.

I slowed down on the junk and increased my workouts. My body thanked me profusely. The nausea faded away. I still ate way too many fruit snacks. They reminded me of Ethan and the sweet times we shared together. I knew in order to truly start my life anew, I had to let him go. I just needed to get on my own two feet first. One night, I laid in bed, munching on gummy bears when my stomach began to cramp. I took it as a sign to put the candy away. I curled up on my side and the discomfort faded. I slept a dream-less sleep that night.

When I woke up, it was to more cramps and wetness between my legs. I kicked off my covers and saw there was blood on my shorts. I looked down at the red stain, trying to remember my last period. I had some spotting, but not anything this heavy since I moved to California...

...With that thought, it all clicked to me. The nausea, the vomiting, the cramping, the last time I saw Ethan. My heart dropped all the way to my stomach, increasing the dull ache in my abdomen as it all came back to me. The realization of what was happening crashed down on me and I screamed. A blood-curdling noise that sounded foreign to my own ears. The despair, anger, and guilt all erupted outside of me. I bawled and yammered as I pushed the sheets away from me.

"Oh No! This can't be happening! Please not my baby! Please no!"

That was how my aunt found me; pleading and crying for the child I didn't know I was carrying. The rest was a blur. Patricia got me up, forced me to put on pants and a shirt and got me in the car. I remembered her praying out loud as she drove us to the hospital and that soothed me. I haven't been to church since chapel in college but I always felt that even if the bible wasn't real, it was a good way to live your life. Her words brought me comfort. I cradled myself protectively, trying to pray for my baby even though something inside me knew it was too late.

In the labor and delivery unit, they did an ultrasound. The technician's face stayed neutral, but I knew what she wouldn't disclose. The doctor used the term complete miscarriage and the despair, anger, and guilt hit me all over again. While he explained how I might still experience pregnancy symptoms, silent tears streamed down my face. I was so stupid and selfish. I was so caught up in my hurt, I missed all the obvious pregnancy symptoms. And now my baby was gone. Our baby was gone...

By the time I got discharged and went back home, I was drained. I'd never been so exhausted in my life. Patricia must have told her daughter Bianca, because she changed the sheets on my bed and asked me if I needed anything. I shook my head and climbed into bed. I figured I would fall asleep right away but I stayed awake thinking about all the things I did wrong. The caffeine, the junk food, the alcohol, the obsessive working, the lack of sleep; everything I did to hurt my body; To hurt my baby. I was inconsolable that entire day.