Architect and Mrs Dantata

42: AMAL

There's an invincible pressure on my chest, it's been there since yesterday when Zayd walked away from the suite. The longer I stare at the closed door in front of me, the more the pressure grows. Should I be here? Is that what he'd want?

It's almost 9AM. Well, that was the time when I left the suite. It should be about 9:30 now; that's how long I've been standing here, trying to muster the courage to knock on the door, get him to open up and tell him over and over again that I'm sorry. I can't lose Zayd. I just can't. Not now, not ever.

I stare a little longer at the door and the pressure presses down with a little more force. All of this is on me. Everything that has led to this very moment is on me. Zayd's been nothing but perfect while I've been the complete opposite; cold and selfish, wallowing in my own thoughts and grief while pushing him away. I don't blame him for being tired. He's tried his best and I can't overlook that. Like I said earlier, it's on me. All of it.

I blink back the tears that surface, repeatedly breathe in and out, and then raise my hand. My knock is small and I pray he hears it. I'm about to knock again when the door is pulled open and my heart drops when Zayd doesn't smile. I really messed up. Ya Allah, please don't let this be the –

"You've been standing out here for a while, Amal. Half an hour to be exact."

The words get stuck in my throat and all I can do is stare at him. The pressure on my chest presses down further and I feel my façade start to crack. Ya Rabb please don't let this be our end. I promise to try. I promise to try to get better. Just please, please don't take Zayd away from me.

The world starts to cave in, or at least it feels like that way. Just as my breaths get laboured, Zayd steps forward and pulls me to him. It's familiar, it's safe, it's home. I nearly lost all of this. I don't deserve him.

"Breathe, Amal." His pats on my back are soft and it's all I focus on alongside his voice. "It's okay, sweetheart. Please breathe."

I do try. For Zayd's sake, I try; in and out, in and out. I can't stop the tears so I do what I've been doing best for a while; I cry. He doesn't let me go, doesn't stop petting my back, doesn't stop telling me it's okay. He doesn't stop telling me to breathe. I really, really don't deserve him.

I don't know how long we stay there but when the pressure on my chest lessens and the words tumble against each other, I pull back and let them all out. I'm quite sure I'm quite ugly right now with how hard I'm crying but I don't care. Nothing else matters right now; just Zayd and our marriage.

"Wallahi I'm so sorry, Sa'ed. I didn't mean to spiral. I just couldn't stop myself...I wanted something to blame. It's a cowardly move, I know, but I just wanted to put the anger and grief on something so I could make myself believe that none of this was my fault."

He shakes his head. "Amal, no..."

"I shouldn't have pushed you away, not when you've been the most loving, patient and understanding person. Wallahi I'm so sorry, Sa'ed. It's just been so hard. That isn't an excuse, I know, but I'm so sorry. I'm really, really, really sorry, Sa'ed. Please don't leave me, I beg you. I promise I'll get better. I'll go for therapy if I have to. Just please –" It's so hard to breathe. "Please, Sa'ed, please don't leave me."

I won't survive it. What we went through back then was torturous enough and we weren't even married. I'd die this time. There's no doubt about it. He gently pulls me into the room and as soon as the door closes, he's kissing me. It's everything at once and I let it all out, allowing him hold me just like he always does. When oxygen becomes a necessity, he pulls back and I keep holding onto him. The tears come back with full force.

"Zayd, I'm sorry."

He smiles at me. It's small but I take it. I'll take anything. He caresses my cheek. "It's okay, Amal."