Between yesterday and tomorrow

Chapter 4

After an eventful evening, I decide to go to sleep, Tommy decides to stay here for my last night. We cuddle in the bed, Tommy tries to talk more about him joining me and what I feel. I faint to fall sleep to make him stop talking. I know it's mean and I know I should feel happy to have such a dedicated boyfriend, but I can't, I don't exactly know why. Here I'm suffocating and I can't be here anymore. I feel as if he's a part of the suffocating and I wanna leave all of that here.
As Tommy proceeds to fall asleep I go to my bathroom and sit on the floor, it's what I do in a crisis.

It feels ridiculous that to start my new life i feel the need to push away my boyfriend. I mean him and i has always been an evidence... but now i feel stuck in this life, boring af, with him, also a bit boring.

So tommy is a part of my distress? Oh shit, I can't brake up with him- i mean i- i don't know how, i haven't got much experience, i don't know how i got here... And he loves me a lot(i mean i think so since he wants to go to SF with me) I can't do that to him, he'll be heartbroken. And my family will think I can't even keep a good guy, or that I broke up to "enjoy more" my stay in the USA. I then start to spirale down into weather tommy is good for me or not. What is good for my life. What choices am i making. Is this the right path or not.

But there is no guide on how to live life, i suppose i have to go with the flow i mean it's what i have always done... What the hell am i doing? I mean 02H00 am is the good hour to have an existential crisis but i have to get my shit together. And right now the important thing is not weather i stay with tommy or not, but today and my future matter. My life in SF will matter so right now , the good thing to do is sleep and get ready for my new start.

I wake up at 05:00, Tommy spooning me and putting his hand on my stomach. I don't feel good. It's either last night's alcoohol or him. I mean i should havee figured this out sooner, it's been a few month since i don't feel so attracted to him, or any dudes for that matter? Wtf. Everytime Tommy wants to get intimate i come up with an excuse, well most of the time, and when i don't have one, we sleep together, and i guess it's okay-ish in bed, but no guy has ever been great with me for that matter, either i had all the no goods, or am i just not attracted to guys?

That's stupid. I like sleeping with tommy and i liked it with the others, i just don't love it, maybe it's normal to feel this way and it's just not as great as it seems.

5 minutes after my reflexion on men and tommy kissing me, i start to get ready, i decide that my airport outfitt will be an oversized white shirt, and some black chino pants along with some doc marteens. I quickly put some earrings and mascara and when looking at my self in the mirror i think that something is missing, i look too serious, i untie my hair and open two buttons for my shirt so my collar bones are showing. I take all of my stuff put some perfume and i'm ready to go. When arriving in the living room, Tommy looks at me with a smirk:

"You look gorgeous.And sexier than usually... You don't look as serious as usual and it's good babe.

-Hum thanks i guess.

-I hope that it's not to seduce some dudes at the airport. Tommy reply jockingly.

-No don't worry there is NO risk for that to happen." I say that rethinking about my earlier reflexion and i don't know why but his reflexion maakes me cringe even more now.

After some tearful goodbye I am on my way to the airport, Tommy driving and Cruz with us. I don't want to leave without having Cruz next to me.

I told Cruz and Tommy to wait at a bench while i registered my self. As I walk confidently to the counter i do not notice the sign saying wet floor, I'm usually not this clumpsy but looks like I am today since I obviously slip. I think that my fall will be embarassing and i dread the feeling of the floor, so I close my eyes. But instead of the coldness and harshness of the floor I feel a gentle touch on my back and a soft smell of an enivrant parfum that attracts me.

I soon realise that somebody catched my fall. Butr that's nor the smell of Tommy or Cruz. By the time I realize what's happening and I open my eyes, my helper has put me back on my feet.

I look up to see a woman who's face is half hiddden with a hat, she's wearing some black boots along with a long black light coat, a black tailor pant and obviously a black suit jacket.

"Thank you for catching me, I am so sorry for falling almost on you.

-No worries. You got lucky, next time I might not be here to catch you, beautiful."The mysterious lady then proceeds to disapear in the crowd while i stand here, in chock of what just happened.

I felt more from that woman's embrace than from any guy kissing me. I - i don't how to explain and why but i feel something, something new but good like butterflies but stronger, i didn't even get to get that woman's name nor to look fully at her face for that matter, but i definitly want to find her. It's not in a weird way but that woman did something to me. I mean sure when i come to think of it i often find women quite pretty or attractive, but i never act on it. Because I think i'm straight. I mean it's ridiculous one single interaction with a woman can't change my mind.

I look around at other woman and men to see what i feel: i see a jacked guy that looks badass and i fell the same i do for tommy, i then spot a tall brunette in a tight dress and i feel more, a lot more, but then not the same i did with the mysterious lady.
This is crazy and i realize, i am not gonna poursue a stranger in an airport just because i have a tiny crush on her. I am not in a movie.

After pulling myself together i go register then i come back to Tommy and Cruz:

"Babe why were you so long? I saw that a woman catched your fall but then you just stood there having some kind of revelation. What happened?

-Yeah sis i saw you and it was kinda funny, like when our lil sis gets a crush she gets all frozen.
-Yeah but it's ridiculous you don't have a crush for that woman baby. Right?

-No, no! I just was shooken up from the feeling of the fall. I feel bad lying to him, but he seems genuinely worried that i have a crush on that woman. So i just stand there awkwardly scratching the side of my neck and I then look at Cruz who gives me a sorry look, almost as if he understood all my constant reflexion about men and woman. Shit, my lie wasn't Cruz proof... Even though i love to tell him evrything, i feel weird about him knowing something that even i don't know for sure.