Masks Always Fall

Chapter 23

Sleep evaded me for what seemed like hours, body buzzing and heart racing even as exhaustion pulled at my mind. I rolled fitfully from side to side, too restless to find rest as visions of Ms. Clarkes kiss tormented me endlessly.

Her touch, taste, smell were branded onto my senses like a white-hot brand. In darkness they consumed my every thought, scattering those concerns I'd fled the classroom to escape facing. Was this wrong of us? Illegal, unethical - yet nothing had ever felt so right, so meant to be.

Frustrated, I snatched my phone off the nightstand to check the time. Ms. Clarkes Instagram message from earlier caught my eye, still unanswered in my haste to lose myself in distraction.

"Are you okay?"

Oh Ms. Clarke, if only you knew the turmoil wracking my soul. I wrestled between longing and logic, desire and duty, heart and mind with no resolution in sight. How could one woman upend my entire existence so thoroughly within minutes?

Was I okay? No, not remotely.

Exhaustion must have finally claimed me, because before I knew it Zahara was roughly shaking my shoulders, her voice urgent and high in the gray light of dawn.

"Emma, wake up! We're leaving for school in ten minutes, get your booty in gear."

I blinked blearily up at her silhouette, slowly processing her words as my sleep-muddled brain rebooted. School...pep rally...cheer uniform.

Shit.

Adrenaline jolted through my veins, suddenly wide awake. I threw back the covers and leapt into motion, stumbling blindly through the dark room as I searched for my uniform pieces strewn in a duffle bag on the floor.

Skirt, top, sneakers - where was my damn jacket? Heart rate skyrocketing, I prayed I could get ready in time as scenes from last night with Ms. Clarke replayed on loop. What would happen when I saw her?

Would she acknowledge what happened between us, or pretend nothing had changed? Did I want acknowledgement, or denial where prying eyes could see?

Finally dressed, I gathered my things and ran after Zahara with a knot twisting in my gut.

My stomach dropped as I clambered into the waiting van, breathless from my mad dash. Noel turned to give me a disapproving look and head shake before starting the engine, as if she could read the turmoil raging inside me.

As we pulled away, my gaze instinctively sought out Julianne's black Tesla amidst the morning commuter traffic. What if she changed her mind overnight? Decided to pretend our kiss never happened after all, wrote me off as just another delusional student crush? I couldn't survive that rejection, not after experiencing her embrace.

No, I had to be the one pushing her away first this time. Hurt her before she could hurt me, gain back some semblance of control over this spiraling situation. As much as it would tear my soul to pieces, I'd distance myself, play disinterested, convince us both there was nothing between us worth saving.

My stomach churned violently at the thought. But what choice did I have, if I wanted to protect this woman I loved? Protect my secret.  One way or another, we had to end before we destroyed each other - no matter how much it cost me.

I'd force myself to let her go before she slipped through my desperate fingers for good. For both our sakes, it had to be over.

I trudged down the hall on legs weighted with lead, exhausted eyes trained on the tiles to avoid the crowds passing in colorful blurs. All noise blended into an incoherent drone in my ears.

"Damn, Emma, you look like you were hit by a truck!" Kayley's cheery voice cut through the fog, her energetic form popping into my line of vision.

I sighed, slamming my locker shut with more force than needed. "Wow, thanks Kayley."