Bound By Love, Torn By Loyalty

CHAPTER FIVE

     I have been crying for 14 days straight, no joke. Let's start from the beginning when I get an unexpected text from Nessa after a week of absolutely no traces of reunion in sight from anyone while rotting in my bed full of heart shaped chocolates and a vase of dying flowers beside me that I bought for myself to help ease the pain of... well, existing. 

     KPOP BESTIEEEE<3:"Hey can we meet up somewhere and talk?"

     ME:"Yh sure

     "Give details and I'm onw"

     KPOP BESTIEEEE<3:"Cristina's for the vibes at 10?"

     ME:"Meet you there"

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     "Hey, what's up?" I say putting on a fake smile. Deep down I'm worried about all the hurt caused. 

     Nessa jumps then turns around to mirror my smile. Bright but depressing. She jumps at anything though. I slide into the booth opposite her. Despite the cafe being old, the owners still managed to keep it lively while still maintaining that archaic feel. I'm surprised the seats haven't been worn down from me and Nessa sitting here so often.

     "I'm going to get straight to the point. You're avoiding me. I'm avoiding you. And honestly I have no idea why since you are literally my best friend and talk about everything with you. So can we just clear things up. And then I promise everything will go back to the way it was."

     Yeah my ass.

     "Go ahead." Nessa seemed to have been shocked at me being understanding. That may have shed my heart into millions of more pieces. 

     "What the fuck happened on Monday? I mean I had my reasons, but I never knew you got pissed too, and especially at the thing I got pissed at-"

     "Mustafa." I cut her off. 

     "What?" Nessa's eyebrows have furrowed. She seemed more confused than Mustafa when we drove home. Ugh, actually, I don't want to think about that right now. I still haven't recovered.

     "I got pissed at Mustafa." I say reluctantly. 

     "Wha- Why?"

     "Why don't you tell me what got u so worked up and then I might tell you." That came out harsher than I had anticipated so I ended with a small, unenthusiastic laugh. I don't think it worked. 

     "What the fuck, Mareyam? I came here to talk, not fight." Nessa says. She gradually reddens as each passing second goes by. 

     I sigh and say, "I have had an enormous crush on Mustafa since the beginning of the year that consequently turned into me being hopelessly in love with him. I never told you because of what happened last year with you and..." I trailed off, "well you know what happened. And ever since then conversations around boys have been so awkward. Apart from our Korean men of course." I say with a wink. "Anyway, your turn." I say shyly. I had more to say but things were going good and I didn't want to ruin that. 

     Nessa looks forward for a second, expressionless. She seems to be finding the right words to say so I cut in before she decides to say anything else. "Just say it." Nessa looks at me bewildered. "You have something to say but won't say it. Just say it." I lean forward and look deeply into her amber eyes. "You can trust me." 

     At that Nessa looks like she is about to cry. She sharply inhales and says, "I have a crush on Mustafa too. And I have spoken to him multiple times before. And I thought we had this thing going but when I saw him kissing Chloe, who is starting to become my best friend, all my thoughts went down the drain. You don't know any of the context but you will find out one day. I just can't tell you. Sorry."

     Nessa looks down into her lap and fiddles with her fingers. Her nails were short and stubby from constantly biting them. I immediately feel concerned for her, she stopped biting her nails years ago. 

     I open my mouth to say something when a waiter comes with our drinks. Nessa already ordered for me. My heart flutters at the small amount of thought put into that. We take a sip of our iced lattes and sit in further silence until I relent and say, "You have nothing to be sorry about by the way. Just surprised you never told me. I bet you told everyone else." Nessa seems taken aback by my last comment

     "The others don't know and not everything is about you. I thought I could trust you but I guess not. You know what, I'm gonna go. You're clearly not mature enough for this conversation yet. As always." My eyes widened in shock. Nessa stands up to leave. I hesitate telling her to come back so I can explain but I have nothing. My tongue freezes the second I open my mouth. I sit there and contemplate what had just happened. It ended way too quickly. I think through all the things I could've done but then give up and call an Uber to get home. 

    The ride feels quieter than usual. The sounds of the world around me are muted by the wild misfortunes of my life right now. I feel an invisible weight on me, pressuring me into a dark loneliness. That's when it hits me. Right now I have absolutely no one. 

     I am desperate to take my mind off things so I go to Snapchat to look at other peoples issues. Instead I find the complete opposite. I see a plethora of hearts and red and roses because Valentines is near. And worst of all, my two best friends, Tasha and Amanda are taken, so they must be served with the best boyfriends to exist. That includes men that buy them huge bouquets of their favourite flowers, cuddly teddy bears and a special date night planned just for the two of them. " I won" they say. Everyone can agree on that. I am struck with jealousy because of how lucky they are to be living the lives they have dreamed of. I try to hold back tears as I have never felt more alone.

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It is now a week later, a few days before Valentines. Tasha, Sab, Amy and Ivy are all hanging out, without me, for Galentines. I should've known they were doing something behind my backs and yet my heart still constricts at the thought of them having fun together. 

     I soon give in and take my first step outside for days. I have no idea what I am actually going to do but nothing would feel better than having an everything shower and getting dressed into cute clothes to go outside for no reason but cleansing the soul. I dind a long dress and a black sweater with graphics on it to put ontop. I have never felt more me in a long while. I may not have a Valentines or any girl-friends but I have myself. May as well make the most of it right? Okay now I just feel delusional but we move. 

     I randomly appear at Sainsburys, picking up random things along my adventure through the aisles. I walk through the bakery section deciding what I can eat while watching a K-drama tonight. 

     "Which one are you gonna pick?" A man with a deep, husky voice asks. I register it for a moment then turn around to see Mustafa, in all black clothing, his basket filled with trinkets of things. I almost crumble at the sight of him. He is making a gift for someone, for valentines, probably for Chloe. I try not to sulk at that and look towards the baked goods. 

    Answering his question I say, "I think I might get the custard donuts." A grin creeping onto my face at the thought of the taste of custard donuts. I turn around to see Mustafa staring and grinning at me as well. We stand in silence until he clears his throat. He points a thumb to checkout and says "Going to go, see you later." 

     And that was that. My very uneventful yet depressing and soul cleansing few weeks leading up to valentines. As it turns out, my valentines day ended in a tragic heartbreak when I discovered how lonely I was. Tears were shed. Showers were postponed. I gotta pick myself back up though and try to change up my life and make amends. Despite this I don't think I'm actually ready. I probably will never be prepared for my life to turn upside down in a matter of two weeks. It is what it is I guess.