Bound By Love, Torn By Loyalty

CHAPTER TEN

     I ran straight home that night. I didn't even bother getting the Uber I was thinking of getting. I just ran. Ran as fast as I could like my life depended on it, the wind resistance tearing at my eyes, wiping away my tears. The clouds grew bigger and bigger by the minute, and soon I found myself drenched and chilled, my teeth chattering at each shudder of breath I took. My vision blurred as time went on, but the determination in my heart led me home. 

     I didn't even bother to do anything. I was so tired all I wanted to do was crash into my bed and fall asleep. I took off my clothes and went straight to bed, not even bothering with oral hygiene. 

     Of course throughout the night, I was essentially fighting demons trying to fall asleep. I tossed and turned. I felt beads of sweat dripping down my forehead and yet I shivered the minute I took the covers off. I haven't felt this way in so long. 

     When I was younger I had always been kept awake by my parents shouting and screaming. Soon I would've fallen asleep either way out of pure exhaustion that comes with being a child. 

     But this hasn't happened for years and that alone makes my skin crawl. 

     I stop the tossing and turning and reach for my bedside lamp. I'm so happy I got dormed alone otherwise I wouldn't be able to do that, especially if I got roomed with any of my friends. I reach for my phone next to it that has just finished charging. My thumb hovers over TikTok, but, unlike myself, I go to Snapchat after looking at the orange pop up indicating 50 new messages. I haven't gotten this many Snaps in my life. 

     Instant regret has never hurt worse than now. Every Snap I went through was talking about this evening of people laughing, crying, sneering at me. 

     At least I'm viral?

     All I scrolled through was me as the object of the video, my cheeks reddening to scarlet when Tasha's and Sabrina's brother started looking at me like I needed to be in a mental asylum. 

     I quit going on my phone overall, knowing I wouldn't be able to escape any other social media. I didn't even get to post anything myself and wasted a good outfit for an embarrassing time. Besides, I wouldn't be able to tag anyone or anything since I literally have no friends but Mustafa and some random people who I've made small talk with during class. 

     Before i know it, I'm in an uncanny dream. I'm frightened for my life, trying to move and yet I find myself stuck in the same position. As soon as I move, I wake and immediately fall back asleep again. Just for that very same dream to happen, over and over again. 

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     It's Monday morning now. I slept away all my dread for today and now I can't do anything but drag myself from my hibernation and get up for my 8 am class. It so happens that I have music with Mustafa. I don't think I'll be able to get through the lesson without him or even me looking at each other let alone talking to each other, as if nothing ever happened on Saturday. The thing is, a lot happened, and my brain-dead self just ran away from everything. It seems I've been doing a lot of running recently. 

     I've finally gotten to Newat, the place looks smaller than I remember. I feel eyes staring at me as I walk down the halls. I'm wearing my black burqa with a white scarf. Even though I don't want anyone recognising me I also don't want anyone to think I'm in the morning, therfore, standing out even more than necessary. I keep my head low, my cap obstructing the view of my face. Hopefully, there won't be any new videos of the notorious weirdo Maryam.

     I sit down in the auditorium, the gracious curved walls closing around me, grateful to walk in without any weird stares from my classmates. I head over to the corner, where me and Mustafa always sit, then remind myself that I would rather avoid Mustafa than avoid him. I make my way over to the other side of the room, near the entrance, opposite of where I normally sit. As a matter of fact, Mustafa is standing there, Chloe in his arms. They give each other a quick kiss and Chloe makes her way out, probably to her next class, opposite to the auditorium because she majors in something in STEM. That block is a 5 minute walk away. 

     Mustafa turns around and sees me. I have no idea what to do so I stand there a glare at him, waiting for him to start this conversation. Or maybe not, if he wants. 

     "Hi." He says in a befuddled tone. 

     "Hi." I reply. 

     He starts walking forward, then stops to turn his head, as if waiting for me.

     "Are you coming or not?" I guess I'm following him after he made that remark. I will either regret this, or it will be the best decision I've made in a long time. 

     The whole entire lesson we are quiet. I see Mustafa taking glances of me, which makes sense since we are normally the loudest people in class. Well, mostly me. This awkward tension makes my skin itch. I keep adjusting in my seat and i think Mustafa notices. Even our professor is wondering why we are so quiet today. 

     Half way through our lesson Mustafa looks over to me and asks, "You're being weird. Why?" 

     "What do you mean why? Did you forget what happened on the weekend already?" That came out with a bit more aggression than anticipated. 

     "Sorry, I just never thought it would affect you this much. You're normally so confident and nonchalant with everything. You can't blame me, alright." 

     I don't know what to say after that, so I relent to just listening in on the teaching, not speaking at all until I hyperfocus of Mustafas hand scribbling words on a page. I'm suddenly curious as to why he's so invested in whatever this is. 

     "What are you writing?" I ask. 

     He stops writing and considers this question, looks up to face me and says, "A song." 

     "Oooh, what's it about?" I say even more intrigued than before. 

     "Nothing." He says emotionless. "And don't even try pushing it out of me I'm not telling." This came out more passive aggressive, so I shut my mouth and listen in on the lesson. Or at least I try. I can't help but think of what the hell is going on beside me. No wonder he hasn't been talking the whole lesson. 

     We didn't talk at all until lesson finished and we said goodbye to each other. I hope the next lesson isn't this patronisingly awkward. Or perhaps we will actually talk outside of school soon. Yeah, I should stop getting my hopes up